You see, I chose to reject a person's assertion and instead, believe in what I can see and what I can hear. I can hear the rumours that are in class, I can see the kind of looks people give you two when you are together - honestly, I could not have blamed anyone who thought you guys were dating. Even with my ears shut to their gossip (well-founded gossip, so much so that I would rather call them predictions than gossip), with my own eyes, I can believe that you are dating. The more I look on, the more convinced I am.
Eventually, it reaches a point where it becomes impossible for me to deny the existence of a relationship between the two of you. When he asked me about what I thought, I wasn't lying when I said I think you two are dating. Sure, I was sad, heartbroken and all of those related emotions, but what ended up naturally becoming the dominant emotion was anger and a deep sense of betrayal. Indignation.
I don't think I can be blamed. You know how I feel about you - I'm not exactly very discrete about it. Yet, at the same time, you want me to ignore what I cannot unsee. In fact, you flaunt it in my face. Do you know what you are asking of me? You are asking me to shut out the voices that are gossiping about you two together. You are asking me to ignore the adoring stares people give when you two are together. You are asking me to ignore you two blatantly being all lovey-dovey and always together. When you know how I feel about you, how dare you still expect me to stay your friend with you doing all these? How much willpower do you think I possess? No...how stupid do you think I am?
I feel like I was being manipulated. You comfort me and tell me all these nice things, yet I feel like you are taking advantage of such things. I am already insecure about this as it is, thanks to the way this whole thing was handled, and you expect me to deal with this and not feel absolutely trash? How would you feel? Tell me. Think about it. Even if I gouge out my own eyes, I can still see you two dating from the way you guys act. I can see it without my eyes! Is this a holy miracle or something?
And you still want me to believe in your WORDS. If words were honestly that binding in this world, my friend, the First World War would not have happened! If words really meant that much, when Chamberlain went back to England with that Anglo-German Declaration signed by Hitler at Munich, Hitler wouldn't be planning his attack! You want me to believe in your words against what I can see, I can hear...against what others can see, what they can hear! Do you think I'm a saint? Or do you really think that I'm that stupid? Did you really think that by comforting me and things like that, you can make me into the most blind person on this earth?
It's not entirely your fault, of course, since I can probably be that kind of saint...or idiot...if I tried hard enough. But is it really worth it? Is it worth lying to myself? Is it worth doubting my own senses? Your friendship meant a lot to me, I wasn't lying about that, but you know me as a person. You know my values. I am not someone who runs from the truth. And this is what has become the truth in my mind - you two are dating, or will be dating, and even if I am a fool, I'm not foolish enough to stay around you long enough to have my heart completely crushed. Being rejected is one thing, but watching as the person you like date someone else when you still like them is another thing. You've watched Toradora, and reality is much more painful than that.
So does it matter anymore whether the truth I see is really the truth? Does it matter if I'm just paranoid or it's really intuition? I even abandoned your whole anagnorisis thing - leaving that one completely up to fate. If you realise it now, it is already too late, and it's totally not my fault anymore. I've given it ample time and it's time for me to carry on with my life, separate from your influence. My hope is that with time, all you will come to be is a symbol - of the past, of a childish mistake - for me to learn from and takeaway. You, as a person. The time we spent together, which probably meant a lot more to me than to you. All those will be abandoned as part of the past, meant to be forgotten.
I am not the kind of person to discard the past, but I need to be courageous. You, as you are now, with the kind of personality and character you possess, cannot assure me any longer with your empty words. I have lost faith in what you say - I can no longer believe in anything you say. I have always found strength in those that I help and strength in myself - you went from being a strengthening force to an obstacle.
I want to continue loving you. I truly do. But I cannot do that for you anymore, because it takes strength away from me. That new Smite skin for Hou Yi, his quote is "Being loved deeply gives you strength, loving someone deeply gives you courage." I will sacrifice that courage for strength because I cannot find the strength to move on if that's all you are going to do to sustain our friendship. You may think that the breaking of the friendship is mostly my fault - yes, it is. But a friendship works when two people mend each other's broken pieces. It's the price you have to pay, I suppose, when you chose to be my friend with this kind of circumstances we just went through. I told you, didn't I, to not be my friend.
I want to be able to move on because there is a dream I want to see bear fruit. I want to bring happiness into the lives of others - to give hope to those who have lost their light. My friendship with you and the potential of what can be, are small sacrifices for the potential of the future. Maybe you two will really end up together. But when I made the decision to turn away from you, I already made that more possible. At the same time, I think, I won't really care anymore. You two are going to be together and I'm going to be completely fine with it, congratulatory even, and maybe we will go on a double date, who knows.
You know in a place filled with psychological horror and you are not the main protagonist, there are only two routes to go. You either kill yourself, because you are unable to deal with what is going on. Or, you turn into those psychopathic and cold people, who learnt to adapt to the environment and yet can flip back once things return to normal. This is kinda like that. I dislike what I am about to become, but to survive in hopes of a better day, this is the decision I have to make.
Remember what you said. This is because of what you told me. You wanted me to be the dynamic factor because you aren't changing. Because you refuse to change, because of your lack of enforcement of your words, because of that decision I agreed to. It is because of that that I believe I want to be able to leave this when I still can. If your rejection was the straw that almost broke my back, can you imagine how it would be like if you and her ended up dating and I was still close to you? If I am salvageable now, I doubt I can still be salvageable when that happens. And think about it, I have no right asking you for help then, because as your friend, I have to be happy for you both. What then?
I am sorry, I really am. I wish I were stronger and I can pull myself through. But I know that if you two date, which in my mind is already happening, I will shatter. I know I won't show it and ask you to fix me, because I want to be happy for you when that happens. I don't want you to cry or feel guilty when I suddenly kill myself one day, just as you thought I was getting better, and then find out it is because of you that I killed myself. So I will find shelter before the storm hits, even if it isn't completely 100% that a storm will hit.
Paranoia or not, you should be able to see now, why I'm so convinced that you could be lying.
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