I really need an advisor in my life, an actual advisor. Not the "it's not your fault"/"it's not your responsibility" kind of advisor because, really, I see those as very pointless words. They are honestly very empty words because they don't help me, not at all. When I ask for advice, you don't tell me to go backwards, you advise me how to go forward. In other words, if I already determined something as my responsibility, then arguing with me about that is wasting my precious time and effort. I'm not the kind to devote myself to something if I don't believe strongly in it.
I'm really not sure what to do with my sister. And no, don't you dare tell me it's not my responsibility, because I think it is, and so it shall be. To be honest, I don't really care about her studies. It's definitely not for the same reasons as my parents - they believe that she simply isn't capable of that level of academic achievement. I think otherwise. I think she's just a late-bloomer, or late in relation to me, but she does make up for it by having social skills. I'm awkward as hell, even after 19 years on earth.
In my opinion, at her age, it's perfectly fine to be very rebellious towards studying. I do want her to enjoy childhood while she still can, in the sense that she isn't yet swamped with academic burdens. But what bothers me is her attitude, not just towards studying, but towards everything else in life. Her attitude towards people. Her attitude when eating. Her very character. Those are things I cannot tolerate.
My sister is very cute, something that seems to run in the family as children, and fortunately for her, unlike me, she doesn't seem to be growing out of it anytime soon. She is visibly attractive and genuinely loud and uncontrollable. That makes her quite popular at first sight, that's why I say she has amazing social skills. The problem comes in the way that she deals with these relationships. She displays the flaw that defines the reason why I absolutely hate strictly-defined Extroverts. She cannot concentrate her attention on one person and more often than not, I see her hurting her friends emotionally and being completely unaware of it. Even if she's aware, she spreads her attention too thinly among too many people and when the time comes, she realises that no one actually chooses her as a best friend. That is the problem of Extroverts with very little self-awareness. She is still young, of course, I've witnessed people around my age with that problem.
Her attitude towards food is horrible. My belief is that if someone specially makes a dish for you, you should at least be polite and taste it. My sister stares at the food, pokes at it and then yells her displeasure. She complains about there being a little bit of garlic, she even talks back to the person who spent all that effort making the dish for her. Honestly, ungratefulness to me is intolerable. Even if the food taste bad, don't you dare say it. Yet my sister has the guts to throw the food on the floor and scream about it. She's 9! That's way past the age of doing that. It's nothing about culture, or religion, or tradition or anything. I just think that there's a certain amount of respect that needs to go into having a meal - like respecting the person who cooked it and showing your gratefulness. I disliked certain foods, but when it's served, you either shut up and not draw attention to yourself, or eat some of it. And for goodness sake, don't complain about right in front of the cook's face! That's so...insensitive.
Her character is the worst, but that's mostly because she happens to have the character I hate the most. I absolutely detest people with no strong character and no sense of self. She is a people pleaser, like most ExFx types are, and has absolutely no beliefs of her own. She doesn't take anything away from her experiences and every single time the same thing happens, she deals with it in the same mindless way. I cannot stand people-pleasers. These kind of people aren't as selfless as they think they are. They are actually the most selfish. In trying to protect your own status among your friends, you end up offending all of them. You try to please everyone, and in the end you please no one. And when I look at people like that, I see absolutely nothing. There is no identity, no strength of individuality. The best example? When I like black, my sister suddenly likes black. When I change to purple, she changes to purple too. She tries to like the same thing everyone else likes, but it's too obvious. And sadly enough, just until recently, I actually opted to befriend someone like that. No personality, none at all. It's quite sad, really. What were you doing with your life?
It's quite disturbing and I don't know what to do about it. My mom is honestly a very bad influence on her. Whereas I was always quite critical of everything my parents said, my sister has no such ability to think (I overthink things). She takes everything my mom says to heart and my mom can be a very straightforward and blunt person. She stereotypes heavily and is very unforgiving and apathetic. My mom is the type that laughs when people fall over and comments on them being idiots. My sister, being extra impressionable, just goes along. It was scary when my sister commented on an entire race of people when she knows nothing about them. And it's all because my mom is very racist.
My mom and I don't agree either, so she doesn't let me influence my sister. She believes that if you have something to say, you should just say it. I believe if you have nothing nice or constructive to say, then don't say it. If you are going to criticise, be prepared to give advice. If not, shut your mouth and don't say things like that. When we go to a restaurant, it's hilarious. My mom glared at the waitress and basically spat venom at her the moment she accidentally spilled something on the floor. I, instead, went over and helped her wipe up the things and asked if she was feeling alright. My mom is thinking "she isn't performing her responsibilities right". I'm more towards "there must be something wrong, it's not her fault."
So my sister has become someone who behaves horribly at dinner, avoids study like it's the plague, is overly critical and rude for no good reason, and is very pampered. And I want to do something about it. I know I should be able to influence her, but I am unwilling to become yet another contradicting force in her life.
It's sad. It's Sunday night before exams, and I wrought with worry about my sister instead. My parents cannot understand me and think that I'm being very irresponsible. It's "none of my business" and I should focus on studying. It doesn't anger me...it makes me very sad to know how little my parents understand of me. How can I ignore the family and focus solely on myself? The disharmony feels very real to me.
And now, I have to do verbal sparring with the wall too, since I essentially chased away my verbal sparring partner. Wasn't that good, but still better than a wall. I really want to meet someone who can actually retort to my arguments with something so insightful that I get caught off-guard. Most of the times, I can anticipate the opposition so perfectly that I just end up stopping the discussion, because seriously, I can conduct this whole debate in my own head. Well, I just really hope A levels are over soon because I'll get to meet new people and all. Perhaps it's because my choices were limited, that's why I had to settle for someone who ended being pretty much pointless. It's like when you stare a whole lot of nothing and then you see a tiny speck of dust and think it's valuable. It's not.
No comments:
Post a Comment