And then there are those generally liked characters that I never really liked. Especially in Shoujos. I've never, NEVER, liked the main characters of any Shoujo for their personality. None of them. They have either too exaggerated back stories that I cannot identify with, or are living way too idealistic lives. So often, it's the side characters, the ones that don't stand out but are undoubtedly there. The kind of pain they probably had to endure but isn't shown because they aren't the main characters.
Then there's Hyuuga Hinata from Naruto. Everyone knows her - the exceedingly shy girl with no self-esteem, but because of those qualities, she was the only one to notice Naruto as a kid. Naruto said that he liked Sakura and frankly, isn't the kind of person to be subtle about it. You would think that a weak-willed girl like Hinata would break under those circumstances? No. She continued liking him, for almost 13 years! That is true dedication, or insane obsession. I can only imagine what it feels like to have the person you like demonstrate in your face that he likes someone else. Hinata, weak? No, she is inhumanely strong when it comes to emotions. She even channeled her feelings for him into strength, learning to be courageous and stand up to protect those she cares for. If that is not admirable, I don't know what is.
It's characters like these, whose qualities are never acknowledged outright, but are actually admirable beyond comprehension. I know, the story would suck from their POV, but still, it's insane how many people overlook such things. I'm an INFJ, I know, and doing close character analysis - identifying overlooked qualities, hidden potentials, etc - is our thing. But when it comes to naturally, it is rather ridiculous to me when others around me don't see it the way I do.
And in some ways, these characters make me hyperaware of my own flaws, my own incapabilities. The way that I cannot hold faith in my own decisions, when my Ti constantly questions the wisdom of my emotional decisions, when my Fe won't stop asking whether I'm hurting others. Too developed Ti or underdeveloped Fe, who knows. It really sucks when Ti and Fe stand next to each other, coupled with the natural irrationality of Ni. Those two functions should be as far apart as possible and as an INFJ, I was doomed to always have inner conflict...but I'm too weak an individual to live with it.
I keep making myself listen to "Sound the Bugle" from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron and I think it's a good time for lyrics breakdown:
1. As the seasons change, remember how I used to be.
At this point, Spirit recalls the freedom and expanse of his childhood, running carefree with his herd. It's a stark contrast to the carriage he is trapped in. In the same way, I recall my own childhood. My family life has always been quite messed up, but at least outside of the family, with friends and in school, I found my sanctuary. But "as the seasons change", as the years go by, that sanctuary is desecrated as well.
There is not a moment that passes by that I truly feel at peace, that I feel content. I'm not one for a life of contentment, but I believe a person must be able to seek contentment when they are stressed out. I cannot do so. I don't know where my sanctuary lies anymore. Friends? No. You don't understand what a sanctuary is. It is a place that I can be quiet in and truly feel at peace, not with the people around me, but with myself.
Is it selfish? Kind of. To seek my own contentment despite knowing others are content is quite selfish. Still, I want to be a counsellor so I can be the crutch for everyone who needs it. But look at me now - how can I be a crutch to someone when I can't even stand by myself? As a child, everyone knew they could rely on me and they did. Now? I wouldn't want to rely on someone like me.
2. There's nothing more for me, lead me away or leave me lying here.
"Lead me away" in Spirit refers to him being led by the humans to a new place. "Lying here" means death. I think, for me, it's the other way around. I want to be led away from life, into death. Or just leave me lying here, continuing in a pathetic existence, until I can finally be led away.
3. There's not a road I know that leads to anywhere.
I can see other people's roads, as I always have been able to. The potential that lies within everyone, it makes me happy to see, because it reinforces my belief that the world will become better eventually. But then I look at myself and I cannot see my own path ahead of me. There is no path, or it's too dark to see. I know where I want to go, but I don't think I can go there anymore. I've lost the path.
4. If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow. So be strong tonight, remember who you are.
I have lost myself. Every time I walk past someone asking me to donate money, I still do it, but I cannot find in myself the courage to ask about their day, like I used to. At one point, I stopped holding their hands and hugging them. At one point, I stopped holding conversations with them. At one point, I stopped greeting them. And at one point, I even stopped looking at them. And every morning on the way to the MRT, I will walk by them and I want to bite my own tongue off in punishment. What does it mean if I just toss some measly amount of money to them and act like they don't exist. I can feel the kind of loneliness that they are giving off, so why can I not find in myself the courage I once possessed? At what point did I lose myself?
Have I completely given up? No, that's not it. But a commander, a soldier, anyone involved in a fight knows when they are fighting a losing battle. I have very limited time to remember who I am, to find back what I have lost, to regain the courage and self-esteem that vanished somewhere along the way here. Meanwhile, the world is adding more and more stress. How can I fight this battle when my most needed defences are gone? And how many people around me have I neglected while trying to find myself? The more I try to find myself, the more I ignore others around me, the more I lose the last part of me that remains - the ability to prioritise others above myself. Once I lose that one, then no, it's not even a losing battle, I have straight-up lost. I want to be one of the reasons why people smile, but I'm painfully aware that the people precious to me, when they smile, it's often not because of me anymore. I am more effective at making people worry and making them upset.
Hey but once again Tumblr comes along and gives me some quotes to structure by rant around:
1. The bad news: Nothing lasts forever.
The good news: Nothing lasts forever.
Besides depression. I mean it. Depression never goes away; you just have something that can keep it away. You see that girl that was depressed before and seems happier now? No, she didn't get over it. You don't "get over" depression. It's not a crush; it's closer to love than a mere crush. You can't just build a bridge and get over it. See, right there. She has a devoted boyfriend, that's why she's not as depressed. He keeps it away from her and she knows he will be permanently there to keep it away. That's what I mean by a permanent crutch. Non-living things can be a permanent crutch too, but that, in common terms, is called "material obsession" or just obsession. Video game obsession. Obsession with food. Obsession with pain. Anything that can be performed an individual on his/her own free will reliably. Is my video game going to disappear? Nope.
Nothing lasts forever. And I know that eventually I will win or I will lose; and it is happening soon. I can smell the end coming - I mean, breathing is kinda painful, not in the physical sense.
2. Depression is when you don't really care about anything.
Anxiety is when you care too much about everything.
Anding having both is just like hell.
Exactly. People with depression don't think about what they are doing, not because they are stupid. Conversely, I don't think through things because I am smart, I do so because I am anxious. I care way too much for a person who is depressed. I know people who are depressed before who just cut themselves blatantly at home, even while they know that their parents will know that they did it. What about me? Extensive plans. Not in school, not at home. Must be outside, on a day that I have PE, because it makes more sense. Excuses rehearsed, so that my parents and friends will just be exasperated and annoyed, rather than worried. Let me put it this way - I don't really care about anything to do with myself: let me just die in whatever way, but I care too much about how people would be affected: I've already concluded that they will get over it, but e.g. if I used carbon monoxide poisoning, would I accidentally harm other people who breathe it in too?
3.
This picture very accurately portrays what I see in my mind everything I look into the mirror.
4.
And thank you, Tumblr, for making feel like someone understands. I don't seek validation for what I feel, for what I may do to myself - because I hate myself for my depression and my suicidal thoughts, I don't want them validated. What comforts me, though, is that at least, there is a sense that someone understands, exactly, what this feels like. For an INFJ, it is the greatest gift in the world to know that someone understands without us having to explain over and over again in increasing amounts of detail. Anonymous? Doesn't matter. Because for those non-anonymous, for those who really exist around me, no one really understands. In fact, I think my case is more like an interesting specimen to those around me, how fascinating.
5. (This stupid post)
So this person is saying how he/she has not done anything in 2 days - I wish I had such good circumstances. I wish I can don't eat for two days and not have to feel guilt that I made my parents worried. I wish I can don't show up to school for two days and not feel horrible that my friends are now worried. Don't fucking complain when you at least have the emotional luxury to laze around in your depression because I would give the world to just let me breathe in a contentment for a few seconds.
You don't feel loved and cared for? I wish I thought like that too. It's precisely because I know people love me and they care for me, but that it's still not enough for a selfish person like me, that makes me more depressed. Not enough, not enough. I can feel that you care, but somehow, my self-centred mind doesn't think that it's enough. I'm a fucking ungrateful piece of shit, aren't I?
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