I think I finally understand my inner contradictions. It is actually a very INFJ thing. INFJs are the most realistic idealists, yes, but that is because they are able to logically and rationally understand situations and people. But the contradictions come in when INFJs are also the kind of people who choose to blind themselves from the "truth" because they believe things can be better. It's rather like wishful thinking. We want to believe the best in everyone, but unlike ENFJs, we can, very clearly, see the "truth" of those individuals.
Speaking of ENFJs, I should stop attributing his shortcomings to ENFJs because they are honestly very good people. Just because one ENFJ is incompetent doesn't mean the whole lot of them are.
How did this realisation come about? Well, isn't it surprising how two very typical Si-dom (ISFJ) and Si-aux (ESFJ) people are able to see the truth quicker than I? It isn't that they are quicker per se, it's that I chose not to acknowledge what I see and chose to believe. I am basically looking at a void, something of absolutely no value, and trying to make value out of it. That's what I feel like I'm doing. I see a person so trash that it surprises me that something can be that trash, so much so that I start believing that, nah, it's not possible.
Trash. Isn't that incongruent with what I've said before? No, that's not true. An INFJ doesn't usually give praise, so it means that whenever I give praise to a person with no reason - the hidden intention is to convince myself.
"I trust you." But I've never said why and in what sense. Let's answer that in points, shall we?
1. I trust you because I believe you are not a bad person. But at the same time, I know that you are way too immature to see why you're seen as a bad person. You can tell me to list the evidence, but I can either produce a list so long we'll never be done, or I can choose to keep silent. It is my intuition that tells me that you aren't a bad person, but it is the same gut feeling that tells me that you won't ever change and my friends, who don't usually hate people, will continue thinking that you are a horrible existence. So I trust, because I believe, but that's not very concrete, is it?
2. I trust you because I know you won't do anything concrete about it. Sometimes I fear telling my closest friends things because I know they will try to fix things. I know they care enough about me to be constantly searching for solutions for me, and that I'm burdening them. I know you won't. To you, to be troubled about someone is already doing enough and that reassures me that, really, you won't be burdening yourself with me. You simply don't care enough to. So I trust because I know you aren't really bothered enough to do anything concrete.
3. I trust, not in the sense of you being there for me. I trust you to keep silent about my secrets and that's really sad, because my soft toys do the same. To be honest, if we were put into a trust fall, I would offer to fall flat on my face instead of trusting you to catch me. Hell, you know the kind of trust fall where people close their eyes and tie up their limbs? I can't trust you enough to even do the trust fall with my eyes open and limbs intact. You feel like you are there for me when I need you, but that's not true. You are there during the aftermath, always, when it's far too late. It's like the firefighter coming after the entire house has already burned down. You certainly made the effort to come, but the house is already burned down.
"Are you mad at me?" You say. Don't worry, at the rate you are going as a confidante, you don't have to worried that I'm mad. I'll be dead by then and dead people can't be mad. Seriously, you don't approach me because you know I'm angry at you (or something like that, I don't know, retarded thought processes), but honestly, if you really think yourself as my confidante, don't you have more things to worry about? Like...me being dead soon?
You can say, oh, I'm putting you in the same situation. NO, I'M NOT. You letting me back away after knowing that I gave you the unique position of being a confidante, where no one else has the position, means that I essentially have nobody else to confide in. Me backing away from you is leaving you to your friends who can at least help with your situation.
My Fe is telling me that you are sad, confused, hurt and perhaps, a little bit of a feeling you don't quite understand. But what is Fe in competition with my 3 other functions?
My inferior function that comes out under stress, Se, notices that you aren't willing to approach me to resolve anything and would rather keep the distance, knowing full well my situation. It registers that as plain abandonment. I may have been the one who distanced, but your reaction by mirroring the same step backwards becomes abandonment because of your unique position in my life. I know I hold no such position in your life, that's why it's so damn easy for you to just walk away like that. If you weren't born an ENFJ with tact, then it would be plain easy to admit that I'm quite replaceable. Sadly, my incompetence shines again in trusting the wrong kind of people and I've elevated you to a position where you have become quite important. How unfair, isn't it.
My Ni understands that you will keep up this behaviour. Do you not understand? If I come back to you again, this is just going to happen again and again. If I'm the dynamic force and nothing is changing, then ask yourself "Who is the one doing something wrong here?" No matter what, the extremely unequal relationship between us is going to persist, probably without end. I suppose it's me getting hurt the whole time anyway, so it really doesn't matter to you personally. Why is it that people cannot understand their own emotions? Seriously, why can you still not see what you're feeling, holy shit. It's so aggravating.
My Ti rationalises and understands that I'm simply sacrificing too much time and energy, waiting for this event that Ni has predicted. It tells me to ignore it. This is what it tells me: It doesn't matter if he realises it too late. It doesn't matter if he comes running after I've already moved on. Not my fucking problem then, is it?
You put 3 different functions against such an unstable and unreliable function like Fe. Tell me, how am I supposed to continue? You are a trash person, surviving very well on ENFJ traits that I can pinpoint so directly that I know they are what they are - ENFJ traits. I know another ENFJ and I know that's not all there is to your MBTI. It is the sign of an extremely underdeveloped ENFJ too. But it is in my INFJ nature to believe that people can become better and reach a higher level of self-awareness. Yet, I'm starting to lose hope in that prospect too. It's really hard to make me give up on seeing the good in someone, especially a person I care for.
It has already been a week. Soon, I will make my final decision and now it's very much inclined towards my Ti instincts of self-preservation. I have given multiple opportunities but since you aren't taking them, I'm just becoming increasing more convinced that you're not interested. If by the time limit, you really don't do anything, then that is the conclusion I'll make - that you're not interested enough to take action and if that's the case, I'll retract my interest too.
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