Once again, I've proven to myself that I have absolutely no resolve - completely indecisive. I told myself - "You're not going to regret saying these. You are going to offend and feel completely justified and not worried. You are going to be violent and merciless." And by the end, of just one day, I feel terrible. Stop looking like that! Do you know how bloody painful it is to be so worried but having been sworn to silence? And to watch other people care for you when it should be me? Wow, absolutely no resolve. My level of resolve and determination is subzero, on the negative scale.
I'm like lecturing myself the whole time. "Turn and walk away. Don't give an opportunity for conversation. Don't look for too long, turn away immediately." Hell, I even tried shoving during PE and it was a terrible attempt. I wasn't putting any strength into it at all and the whole time my brain is screaming "Do not turn around." Because if I turn around and look at his face, I am going to end up apologising. "Walk away. NOW."
It's horrible. Bloody unfair is what it is. You aren't even bothered enough to approach me and I'm here dying over the whole situation. I decide to be your friend, but my heart doesn't want to shut the hell up and allow for blurred lines. I decide to hate you, but I can't put my heart into it. It hurts me to be so horrible to you and seeing that expression? Holy shit. I think if I hit a puppy with a steamroller, I'll still feel less sorry. A puppy. With a steamroller. And meanwhile all I do is ignore you and be slightly mean? Wow, why do I feel so terrible.
Do you know how scary it is, for a person like me, who dislikes giving up control, to love so deeply that I cannot control my emotions? I want to slap myself. My friends said they want to slap me. No, don't do it. I'll do it myself. Stop pinning. Stop being so damn pathetic. I'm retraining myself a lot already, but clearly, not enough. And seriously, you aren't...you aren't even that special (I feel bad AGAIN, what)! I have been confessed to by richer guys, smarter guys, more mature guys, but what the flying hell, am I a masochist or something? Do I like getting hurt?
And even this whole pushing away thing isn't even for my own benefit. It's certainly to my advantage to keep you close, even if my physical distance from you in school doesn't give me that same warmth. I decided on this whole pushing away thing because I decided that keeping me around is not a good idea - that to have me as a friend (or anything blurrier) is a detriment rather than a benefit. Like really, I think if you liked me back, it'll benefit me more than it'll benefit you because really - you can do much better. My friends obviously say I can do much better, but really, I know deep inside that I think you can do much better than me. I feel like I'm inadequate as a friend, not to even go to the extent of potential girlfriend, because I'm such a huge burden. I don't even want to hold my own burdens.
I've witnessed already, that you can do perfectly fine without me and once again, it's me that's pathetic. I think that Fi is pathetic, yet I'm letting my own desires weaken and shatter my resolve. If I'm truly that Fe-oriented, with the foresight of Ni, I should be able to take a step back, ignore the pain for now, because I think it's towards a better future for you. For me? Well, I'll probably just drown in my sorrows or something, but that's a small price to pay to see you happy. Again, pathetic, absolutely pathetic. If a human being is willing to give up his/her happiness just to see another person smile, not even at him/her, there's seriously something fucked up about his/her sense of self-preservation. You ain't going to survive well, my friend.
You know those Tumblr quotes, where girls rally together and decide that they will become more attractive, more fit, more desirable, just so they can turn around and spit in the face of the guy who rejected them. I'm the biggest reject of that group because even if I do become more attractive and more fit and stuff like that, I'm never going to spit in your face. I can't bring myself to do it. It's absolutely ridiculous. You, just your presence alone, has made me suffer so much pain, yet I can't even get angry at you without feeling horrible about it. Really, is that fair? I know I don't get angry at people for long, but you, you hold a Guinness World Record for the shortest time I get angry, but also for the most frequently I get angry. I dislike having no control over my emotions, and you, you perpetuate that fear.
People think it's the confession that takes the most courage, it is not. It is the ability to put up with the rejection and not hate the person that takes the most bravery. It is so easy for people to brainwash themselves into hating, to spit on that rejection and move on. It is courageous, I think, to stick around and try to be friends, even though I know that I can't do it without being hurt. But I've said before, brave people die young and it is the stupid people who are brave. "It's not your fault for rejecting. It's my fault for confessing and loving in the first place." I still believe in that, but...do you know, it is precisely that that makes me so aware of how stupid, irrational and rash I'm being? It's easy for people who never truly loved before to give advice, but my heart is telling me to pursue, my brain is telling me to run away and my wisdom is telling me to stay put. What the hell. Can you guys come to an agreement please?
And honestly, I know deep inside, that even after we leave this school, if you asked for me, I will literally make a journey across half the world to come find you. And guess what? I know you won't do the same. Isn't it stupid? Isn't it absolutely crazy and irrational? I pride myself, as an INFJ, in being the most realistic of the idealists, yet I'm still so damned illogical. If a person won't make the same journey for you, why should you do it for them? But if you did ask for me, I will be there, as long as I get the message. Hell, I'll take the first plane-ride back to Singapore.
What is this - first love syndrome? It's not even the first time I've liked someone. I've liked enough people to know that this isn't "just a crush" because the longest time a crush has ever lasted before was 2 weeks. TWO WEEKS. And I was all over that shit. Not a moment did I think I was going to ever be this pathetic. Leaving my school overseas to come tend to my boyfriend? Not a chance. But now, hey, I'll be right there, in two seconds if possible. WOW. What a drastic change. Stupid, naive girl. Your mom was right. Girls are always happier being pursued than pursuing. You are always going to be sad from now on, good job.
I think it's being a realist that makes it worse. Because I know I'm not just lonely and seeking company. I know it's not just because I'm depressed and need someone to lean on. I know I truly do love and that is a scary prospect. To surrender control to someone unwillingly to take it, it's one of the most dangerous positions a person can put their emotional state in. I always thought my friends were idiots when they came whining to me about their relationships - what trivial matters, I thought. Now I'm the one dragging my feet around all day whining about that. Oh, how fate has turned against me!
But you know what I'm scared of? The inevitable. I see on Tumblr these situations and I know if I don't fish myself out soon, once you do get together with someone, I'm going to be in more pieces than I already am. I know it. I can foresee it. It doesn't take Ni to tell me how horrible that can be. And what's worse? One day, some other guy is going to ask me out again (not like it's not happened from then till now) and I have become physically unable to say yes. They say that time it takes to get over rejection is 6 weeks to one year. It has already been a year, where is my relief? Where the hell is it? It's late!
Look at me being so angsty. I think by outward appearance, I'm one of the least angsty people around because I'm so damn "I don't care" about everything. Yet I think the angst here is equivalent to a million rejected teenagers. And it's all because "I know".
I know the situation I'm in. I know the repercussions. But I also know I won't get over it. I know how pathetic I seem to myself. I know that, for your good, I should leave to. I know all these. But I also know that my intuition and wisdom, not emotions (for I know when it's switched off), are telling me to give it more time and be patient. What I don't know is what I'm supposed to be waiting for. But what can I do but wait? I've tried everything and it seems like, I just can't tear myself away. I have to put up with it. But maybe I've already pushed you too far away. Maybe.
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