"Did you sleep well?" I think the more appropriate question for this morning is "Did you sleep?" because I basically spent the whole night staring up at nothing. School starts again tomorrow and I have to face 1. SGC and 2. submitting progress reports. I'm like having a panic attack throughout the whole night while my cousin is snoring in contentment in her sleep.
When I said I've given up hope, it isn't that I've given up completely on the fact that things would get better - it's that I've given up on the hope that I can control whatever comes. If things get better, then it's because the universe finally decided to ease up on me. If they don't, then it's the universe deciding to be the jerk until my end. One more thing that stresses me out - the feeling of not being in control, of myself even.
I know I will still write my SGC, just in case things do get better. I mean, if I don't do it, then even if the universe tries to dig me out of the hole, I'll just dig myself in deeper. If circumstances do improve, my fatal mistake in not doing my SGC will end up putting me in bad circumstances again. "Preparing for a rainy weather" is a saying in both English and Chinese. I'm preparing for a sunny weather.
But my progress report, how can I go about it? It's a negotiation that I cannot lose. I will NOT show my progress report to my parents. There is no need to. Am I making a decision for them, thus taking away their free will? Maybe. But as an individual myself with the ability to instigate change, I will choose not to show them my progress report. I know how they will react, I know how much stress it will add, and I will not allow it to happen. I am already studying for Prelims and A levels, why should I worry my parents over CT2? And I can't even tell them not to worry because my mom has never been the one to have faith in anything that doesn't manifest itself. In other words, until I prove myself able to score well, she will continue to be very worried.
"It's okay, your sister can just be a kindergarten teacher or something. You, on the other hand, you have to do well." That is what I've been told since forever. They are looking to me for a miracle, a success story and insofar, I've failed them at every turn. My sister is proving to be a source of stress, enough to keep tensions up in the family even when I am pretending that everything's fine. Can you imagine the breakdown when it is revealed that the older child, the one they believed can handle herself, is suffering from depression and is failing in school? It's not something I ever want them to find out and live with.
It breaks my heart, though, to picture the kind of reaction my parents will have the day I kill myself. I have joked about suicide before to my mom and I had to hug her almost instantaneously, because that was the first time I felt such strong emotions from her. She didn't say or do anything but the fear and instant rejection coming off her was enough for me to immediately hold her to reassure her that I'm still there. And this is the person whose control over her emotions is impeccable. My dad's explosive anger...how bad will it be when I eventually break?
But then there's that small traitorous voice in my voice that says "Does it matter if it breaks their hearts? How many times has the world broken your heart?" And it's true. Yet, I feel horrible for thinking this way. Just because someone hurts me doesn't mean I should hurt them back. Just because the world has broken my heart, and my life, numerous times, doesn't mean that I should hurt the world too. I used to think I could shoulder the pain of everyone, I can't even shoulder my own.
A lot of my preferences reflect my stubbornness in still wanting to continue the fight. Subtle things, very subtle, like preferences for Pokemon teams. Hyper-offense. Why hyper-offense? Because in stalling and walling, you are passive and you react based on what others do. There is lack of control over the situation. You are resisting. In hyper-offense, the key characteristic of that sort of team is the ability to control the momentum of the game. Does that make me a control-freak? Maybe. I do hate not having control over things/people. I want to take back control, the control I've given up because I was too passive this whole time. I allowed myself to break under pressure, it won't happen again if I find back the control.
You know that song? Russian Roulette by Rihanna? Can I please get an entry ticket to that?
It makes me think, really, about assisted suicide. If suicide is a coward's way out, then assisted suicide is the way out for the biggest of cowards. To implicate someone and burden them with guilt for eternity...it a horrid way to go. If you want to leave, at least don't make the last thing you do a bad decision.
I really want to be in a cold country where rivers and lakes freeze up. I think death by drowning in ice-cold water is a very beautiful death. Your body burns up, attempting to fight off the cold, but then it realises that it doesn't help and then everything just shuts down and becomes cold. It's like a moment that reflects my entire existence. I fight then I decide I can't win, so I give up.
I've never really been scared of the dark, not the dark itself. People are scared of what is within the darkness, not of the darkness itself. How can I hate the dark when it is the only thing that will always be there to embrace me? How poetic. I'm turning into an INFP. Standing in the darkness while everyone is in the light - doesn't that just mean that darkness is the only companion I have that truly knows me? How can those creatures in the light understand what it feels like to be in the dark when they've never been there? That's the reason why I don't think anyone can ever really understand me, neither do I want them to. How deep one has to plunge to find me...I don't think it's worth it. But I'm not worried, everyone is content just walking by the shore or attempting to squint into the waters.
Even when sleep has been robbed from me - I can no longer sleep in peace - there's still darkness. At night, when I wait for everyone else to sleep before I can cry, the one I cry to is the darkness around me. It is comforting in a twisted sense...like that song, The Lonely. The lyrics are pretty beautiful.
Lyrics:
2 a.m. - where do I begin?
Crying off my face again.
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed.
I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be the most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.
Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.
To afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night.
Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep.
I'm the ghost a girl that want to be the most.
I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.
Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely.
Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby.
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again.
I'm really starting to think and behave like an INFP. Songs and poetic words, melancholy and self-absorption. This is going to drive me even deeper, isn't it? The realisation that in my depression, I have become unable to support others around me...that I will lose this final piece of myself. "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." If I really lose this last part of me, then there really is no point fighting anymore.
Well two more songs before I start studying...for something that may never come.
My Last Breath by Evanescence
Lyrics:
Hold on to me, love
You know I can't stay long
All I wanted to say was, "I love you and I'm not afraid."
Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?
*Chorus start*
Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts you
Sweet raptured light it ends here tonight
*Chorus end*
I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
I know you hear me
I can taste it in your tears
*Repeat Chorus*
Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one's there
Say goodnight
Don't be afraid
Calling me, calling me as you fade to black
(Say goodnight) Holding my last breath
(Don't be afraid) Safe inside myself
(Calling, calling me) Are all my thoughts of you?
Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight.
*Repeat Chorus*
(Holding my last breath)
Missing by Evanescence
Lyrics:
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And bare conscious you'll say to no one
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
*Chorus start*
Even though I'm the sacrifice
You won't try me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?
*Chorus end*
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breathe deep and cry out
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
*Repeat Chorus*
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
*Repeat Chorus*
Why are all these romance songs? At this point, I cannot help but mock these sort of depression. If a person can kill herself over one rejection, I would have killed myself many times over with the amount of equivalent shit I've dealt with. But of course, Evanescence can't possibly sing everything that happened to her. This rejection of love, it's probably the final straw and not the whole straw pile. I wonder, when will my final lump of straw be added?
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