But that's not that important. I understand his concern...it's just that it's not very encouraging since I'm struggling to persevere as it is. There are other matters more significant right now.
How sad it is, that after all I have persevered - to suppress my own emotions, to be selflessly unconditional in my love, to always blame myself and apologise first - the lesson I have learnt makes me a morally worse person. I will come to lose the thing that will make me me and really, I don't care anymore. Anything is better than the pain I feel and frankly, you were the straw that almost broke the camel's back. I came so close to the edge and now, I decide that I will walk back, changing myself.
You have taught me the one lesson I never wish to learn - that it is not worth it to be self-sacrificing and to love unconditionally. It breaks a person into pieces, it tears their heart apart, and everyday is spent in sorrow. I've had enough of that. I was the most selfless person I knew, more than you can ever be. Because selflessness is defined by your dedication towards one single person. To spread out your dedication is to dilute your contributions, just like what I feel from you. My friends were right - "He is not worth it, not by far." I've always thought that it's okay, because it's not up to me to judge a person's worth. Yes, that's still right, but it is my place to judge a person's worth to me - and you ain't worth shit. Perhaps once, you did, but no longer.
I'm not afraid to say this to you - that I regret ever knowing you, that I regret ever loving you - because I came out of this with my entire innocence torn into pieces. My innocent idealism, my unconditional love, my selflessness, you have exhausted them all. I believe that as long as you put in your all, good things will happen. They will not. Learn to give up and be self-preservative. I wanted to help you realise in you what you have hidden/not realised. It is none of my business. I wanted to push you away into a happier situation, thinking that if you treasured me enough, you will come and find me. You won't and I was foolish to think that a piece of passive trash can ever take the initiative to do anything. You are too afraid to hurt yourself.
No? I'm wrong? Don't lie to yourself. You say that you don't like to offend people or interfere because you worry for them and believe in individual autonomy. That is a lie. You are afraid of people hating you, so you never risk any of your relationships. I was a fool to give my heart to and love someone like that. It was not worth it.
And that is how I look at you, but you won't look at me like that. Guess what? I won't try either, it's not worth the effort. In order to achieve my dreams of helping humanity, I cannot spend effort on people not worth the time and the heart. How close I've come to my own destruction. And that's because I did not want to sacrifice a single moment of selflessness. Now I have learnt, thanks to you, that to be selfless, one has to be selfish first. There can never be a purely selfless person, it is unsustainable. It's not a stretch. The kind of pain I felt everyday, it's not something someone selfish and immature like you can ever comprehend.
I'm no longer jealous, because I can do much better than you. Someone who will chase after me when I run away. Someone who will walk with me through life, not walking behind me passively, but next to me. I'm lucky to have learnt this lesson - imagine the horror I would have lived if you had accepted my confession. Nothing in my dreams will ever get accomplished with someone like you next to me.
You are an ENFJ, yet you never really understood me. Even after I've told you so much, there's so much of me you don't understand. You are like Newland Archer, you can't see me as I am, but only as what you think I am. It's not your Ni being underdeveloped, a person with inferior intuition can understand me - I have proof. It is your own inability and while I wanted to help you with this, it is not my place to do so. Why should I? You have done nothing but hurt me, and the reason why you help me in the first place is because you have hurt me before.
My fault that I love you? Don't make me laugh. It's not like I've not been confessed to before. How did I deal with it? I gave him the distance he needed, I did not crowd him with my presence, I came only when he truly needed it. Distance is what heals wounds, I understood that even from the first time. You made no attempt to fix what has been broken. It's not your responsibility, but the very fact you never tried means that you can't be bothered to, and I don't see why I should be bothered to anymore.
The foolish girl has grown up, thanks to you. She has matured, thanks to you. She can never be as selfless again, thanks to you. She will never offer her heart up before the other person does again, thanks to you. She has learnt the meaning of pragmatism and grown out of idealism, thanks to you. It's all thanks to you. It was unfortunate that the person she had to love was you, a person incapable of loving her back the same way.
Once upon a time, I thought there was no one else I would pick. It wasn't just emotions, it was intuition telling me that I've found him - but I realised that it didn't matter anymore. It is an idealist's foolish dream to think that the world works that way, that the world is truly beautiful that way. You have darkened my world, taken the colour away from it, but I thank you for seeing life the way it truly is. Don't give your heart away before the other person offers it. The pain is not worth anything. You will lose everything that matters more to you.
I should have learnt that before, when a best friend betrayed me. What hurt me the most wasn't the betrayal, but the fact that I saw the betrayal coming and chose to believe the best of her. Similarly, I knew this would hurt me and that you won't ever try to change for me, yet I stayed. I had a knife stabbed right into me and I let it sit there, twisting it deeper. Time to pull it out and bandage the wound, isn't it?
I'm taking my heart back. You are not worthy of it and will never be. The day of your anagnorisis is already too late and really, I don't give a rat's ass about how to cope with it. Even the guy I was angry with for so long and didn't forgive, known for being emotionally unaware, came over and asked if I was alright and tried giving me a hug (that I rejected). Even the most emotionally insensitive guy could do it, someone that I pushed away for so long. That there is what friendship is, the courage to do things without fearing judgement. The courage of standing up for a friend despite risking worsening relationships. The courage to take her side despite knowing that it may be wrong. That is friendship, not that "friendship" you preached. Yours is a fool's errand.
Once upon a time, we would both have chosen Option 1. But now it is what sets us apart - experience, wisdom and pragmatism. To believe the first is indicative of someone who hasn't truly experienced heartbreak before. A person who has never given their heart to someone too incompetent to accept it, or even guard it. You have taught me to go for the second option. I want someone who loves me unconditionally and sees me as their sun and moon, and I will try to match it. I won't put my heart in the hands of another, never again. I don't trust people enough to do that anymore. Thanks to you, I have lost my trust.
And so, goodbye, one last time. When we talk again, it will be me in person, but my feelings for you will never be the same again. I have buried her, the stupid little girl, who won't ever move forward and keeps standing where she is. I will see you now, the way you are, a person unworthy of my feelings or even friendship. You pretend to be concerned for everyone, but you won't change for any of them. I regret, once again, ever knowing or loving you.
No comments:
Post a Comment