Weekday Rants #10

     The unmistakable feeling of having made a wrong decision in retaining is inflated again. Today's GP paper, the essay section, felt like a breeze. There were so many questions that I could have done and I thoroughly enjoyed the process of writing the essays. I realised after the paper, with a jolt, that this paper felt easy not because I was prepared, but because many of these questions were what science students excelled at. What is done, is done, however, and I guess it's way too late to say I regret. I have regretted too much in the past few weeks already.

     "You might be an INFJ if...you are a hopeless romantic." I scowl at the idea, especially now, but honestly, the world seems to want to prove me wrong. I just listened to this one Vocaloid song that I used to listen to regularly before all this shit started to go down. ...Yeah, I still wish to meet a guy like the one in the song.

Ai no Scenario (Love's Scenario)
normal - lyrics
italicised - male antagonist
underlined - male protagonist
bold - female character

世界欺く揺るぎない正義
Unravel the unwavering truth that deceives this world
ほどいて真実の手の中
Truth it within these hands

大胆不敵な影が華麗に踊る
An audacious shadow dances eloquently
君が隠してる秘密いつか聞かせてよ
Tell me, someday, the secret you're hiding
伸ばした手で触れる事は誰もできない
It can't be touched by any hand offered in help
君が隠してる世界僕に見させてよ
So show me the world you are hiding

"I told you not to talk to him, didn't I?"

揺れる難解な心
I'm unable to find those eyes
解き明かして奪うその瞳
That dispel and steal away troubled, wavering hearts
不安がって泣いてだって見つけらんなよ
Whilst caught up in worries and tears
狙う真実はどこへ消えた
Just where has the truth I was aiming for vanished to?

"We'll always be together; I'll protect you forever."

たとえ世界欺く答えだとしても
Even if it were an answer that deceives the world
信じて差し出す掌
I'll put out my hand and say, "Trust me."
決して逃げない怖くはないから
I'll never run away because I'm not scared
目を開け弱さをかき消すんだ
I'll open my eyes and extinguish my fear

繰り返される運命に君はきついてる？
Are you beginning to realise how repetitive this fate is?
僕だ隠してる秘密いつか聞かせてよ
Someday I'll tell you the secret I'm hiding
歩み寄る偽りの影君は知らない
There's a deceptive shadow heading your way, but you don't notice
芽生えた記憶は絡む必然のとげて
All tied up in budding memories with thorns of inevitability

"I think we're just fate."

"Huh? What are you saying?"

守りたい思いでただ
With just the desire to protect
立ち向かって解くその絆
I'll take my stand and unravel this bond
何度だって助けるって揺るぎはしないよ
I'll save you as many times as it takes, I'll never waver in my resolve
隠す真実はどこへ消えた
Just where has the truth I've been hiding vanished to?

"When she got told 'I love you', she replies 'me too' with a serious face. What a joke!"

"You tricked her! Stay away from her!"

"It's her own fault for getting tricked, isn't it?"

たとえ世界を敵に回したとしても
Even if you'll make an enemy of the entire world
信じて僕だけ未来も
Believe only in me and the future
決してに着ない迷いはないから
I'll never run away because there's no doubt in me
シナリオ壊して抗うんだ
I'll break this scenario and fight back

"You knew the truth all along, didn't you? I'm sorry for saying such horrible thing."

"I promised you that I'd always protect you, didn't I?"

"Eh, what are you saying?"

世界を敵の回したとしても
Even if I make an enemy of the entire world
信じて差し出す掌
I'll put out my hand and say, "Trust me."
決して離さない思いは届いた
An answer I'll never let go of has found its way to me
結んだ運命のと手の中
A connected future within these very hands

繰り返された答えだとしても
Even if the answer has been repeated over again and again
決して逃げない怖くはないから
I'll never run away because I'm not scared
抗うんだ
I'll fight back

     So if the story isn't clear enough yet, basically the dark-haired guy is in love with the girl, who in turn loves him back. However, the girl is married to a blonde nobleman, who abuses her and forbids her from talking to anyone, or leaving her room. One night, the dark-haired guy breaks into her room and offers to take her with him. Knowing the abuse she suffered in the hands of her husband, he promises to protect her forever if only she'd trust him. She immediately takes his hand and the two leave. The final scene of this timeline shows them asleep in a church, holding each other's hand. The blonde nobleman, on the other hand, is in town searching for the two. His necklace glows ominously red and is revealed to be the source of the curse.

     The scene fades away and reappears in a more modern setting. The girl remains holding the hand of a dark-haired guy and the two are assumed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. One of the guys in the Student Council, with blonde hair, confronts the dark-haired guy one day and for seemingly no reason, throws him against the wall. The girl stops him and tells him off for acting so violently. A few days later, she walks by a classroom and stumbles upon her boyfriend ranting to his classmates. She then finds out that while her feelings for him were true, he was simply using her. In tears, she runs off, but is stopped by the blonde hair guy. After apologising, the blonde hair guys says "Didn't I tell you I'll protect you forever?".

     It turns out that the necklace the male antagonist wears is imbued with the power to allow its user to repeat the same scenario over and over again, so that he can attempt to get the girl back. Both of the guys are aware of this, but the girl is not. In the modern timeline, the girl mistakes the dark-haired guy for her previous lover, precisely because of his hair colour. 

     The song ends by flashing back into the past, when the two are lying in the church, holding hands. She opens her eyes, as if the answer had came to her in a dream, thus resetting the entire future (since she is now aware of the repeating timelines).

     The romantic in me is totally in love with the male protagonist. Not surprising, he is portrayed as a the ideal guy after all. It's still incredible though, how he retains his love for her and continues to protect her despite the flow of time, even into his next life. I think the one line I love the most is "Even if the whole world is against me, I'll hold out my hand and say 'Trust me.'" He isn't afraid of angering those around me, the entire world even, just so he can remain by her side and protect her. And at the same time "Even if the whole world is against you", he will do the same. That's...so desirable. Sigh. One day, maybe, one day. One day I'll find someone who will stand by me regardless of what the rest of the world thinks.

     Now, MBTI stuff...

1. You Might Be An INFJ If...

1. You are often on, or can be, "on the fence" about a particular decision/reason/solution, etc

     Yes, I'm particularly indecisive about a lot of things. My ISFJ friend has pointedly criticised that before, but I don't think it's a bad thing...in most circumstances. It's not a lack of decision - my decision is to be neutral and remain open to alternatives. I think even when a decision of mine seems fixed, it can always be changed, depending on how much the person wants it to change. In that way, I also gain insight into how badly/how far a person is willing to go for me.

2. You have a keen sense of when somebody is hiding something.

     Or it can just be paranoia? But usually if it persists for a long time, it's correct.

3. You hate small talk.

     I've discussed this before.

4. You are extremely self-aware of your own actions and try to make them as noble and as natural as possible.

     Basically, even when I do something stupid, it's intentional. I rarely do anything without reason, except when I'm caught off-guard of course. That's maybe why I like people who can catch me off-guard - they take me right back to my natural instincts.

5. You frequently see general human intentions as selfish and self-promoting and in this way question your own motives/intentions.

     .....Are you stalking me or something? How did you know? No matter which decision I make, say for example in this most recent case, I feel like I'm being selfish. To stay by his side would be selfish, since he seems to enjoy her company more. To stay away would be also selfish since I'm trying to protect myself. There isn't a decision that isn't selfish.

6. You feel like a sleeping giant, waiting for that day when you can externalise all the internal thought/theories/knowledge/feelings that have been developing inside of you since forever.

     One day, I'll find someone deserving enough to know ALL and not just some.

7. You love to observe people's reactions to certain situations.

     That's why I like acting weird and saying unexpected things. I love watching people try to recollect themselves. I think it's an INTJ hobby too.

8. You love to make predictions.

     I don't. I can't help it. I'd rather stick around and be completely frigging oblivious to the very real possibility of them dating. Actually, no. I prefer to know and be able to have control over my own situation. Is it worse to know something is wrong the whole time, or to know it at the last minute?

9. The idea of the renaissance man appeals to you.

     Absolutely untrue.

10. You are a hopeless romantic.

     That I am.

11. Your friends come and go.

     Because I have no heart to hold them back. I think people come to me when they have problems - I seem to be a magnet for the melancholic and troubled. So my duty is to heal and send them on their way.

12. Your interests come and go.

     Those trivial interests, yes. But in my vision for the future, absolutely not.

13. You always ask interesting and unique personal questions that catch non-INFJs off-guard.

      That would be an INFJ who is barely about the age of 5. I think at a very young age, INFJs become aware of what kinds of questions tick people off and when to ask such questions.

14. You always read between the lines.

      Yes. I believe you are telling the truth, but just because it's true doesn't mean it's not just one small part of the whole thing. The real truth lies in the entire situation, and not individual's words.

15. Your mind is always analysing/questioning.

     Overthinking results in a painful life, and sadly, I don't have a choice.

16. You get so preoccupied with "the big picture" that it can keep you from getting things done...

     *Cough* Homework *cough*

17. Your English teacher tells you that you use too many analogies in your essays.

     I don't. English isn't the first language I learnt. On top of that, I believe short and succinct to be the best essays.

18. The only person in the world who really understands you would be another INFJ.

     False. Nobody can really understand me unless I allow them to...and they try hard enough to.

19. You live in a world of symbolism and deeper meaning.

     True. Even people who have become part of the past dissolve into meaning and is remoulded into a philosophy or symbol. Unless they stick around, or persist in sticking around, that will be the result.

20. You are surprised when someone comments that you are a nice person because you don't think so.

     But I really am not a good person. Just take the most recent example - shouldn't I be happy for him if they are dating and continue to remain as a friend? But nope, I'm a selfish piece of shit and decided to head for the furthest hill in the mountain range. "I hope I don't get my face blown up over here!"

21. You confront people about what they did wrong to you, and then feel guilty about it.

     That's why I choose to not confront and just let it be. If this is how it's meant to be, then what can I do? I shouldn't make someone feel guilty for something that was just...fate? Fate must hate me.

22. Everything you do is wrong, and you feel bad always, even if it was for the right reasons.

     But...it wasn't for the right reasons? As long as I made someone upset, then the reason isn't the right one.

23. You have barriers but will let them down in an instant to the right person.

     Clearly a dysfunctional INFJ right here. I did not choose the right person.

2. MBTI Squad 1

Has a lot to say but stays quiet: ISTP, INFJ, INFP, INTJ

     I believe in the truth, but there's a time and place for everything.

Has a lot say and says it: ENTP, INTP, ENFP, ESFJ, ENFJ

     Watch your bloody mouth. This is not the time for this.

Has nothing to say and stays quiet: ISFJ, ISFP

      *poke poke* Are you there?

Has nothing to say but still talks: ISTJ, ESTJ, ENTJ, ESFP, ESTP

     Can't tell what is worse, the person who says bullshit or the person that offends.

3. What MBTI Needs on a Bad Day

ENFP: To brainstorm fun possibilities and/or plan an adventure.

ENTJ: To form a concrete, detailed plan for improving the situation that has gotten them down.

ESFP: Lots of human interaction and praise.

ISTP: To be presented with a few fun options to take if they want them, then to be left alone.

ISTJ: Alternate solutions to the problem they're facing and the knowledge that they can rely on you if they need help.

ESFJ: To be told they're appreciate by the people they're closest to. And/or to be pampered a little!

INTP: A new project to distract them from self-destructive thoughts.

ESTJ: For someone to ask them what they can do to help. They probably know the answer.

ENFJ: A huge hug and a sincere reminder of why you love them and all that you've learned from them.

ISFJ: To have little favours done for them, as a reminder that they are allowed to relax.

ENTP: A stimulating conversation that helps them generate new theories or ideas.

ISFP: Patience with their mood (they need to work themselves through it) and perhaps a fun physical distraction.

ESTP: To do something rambunctious and physical with friends that will re-energise them to power through whatever situation is troubling them.

INTJ: A good book and the day to themselves to re-charge.

INFJ: A good long laugh with a friend they can be silly with and possibly some time outdoors/in nature.

Yea, but when I'm outside trying to chill, don't flipping talk to me, at all. Let me enjoy the atmosphere of the outdoors - physical and underlying atmosphere.

INFP: To be listened to with patience and to have their feelings validated.

4. Did You Know...

"Did you know you can't type a person until they are 25?"

     Hmmm...so can I become an INTJ? Types that INFJs most want to be: ENFJ, INTJ. I want to be an INTJ, please, and give no shits.

Random Nonsense #21

     I really need an advisor in my life, an actual advisor. Not the "it's not your fault"/"it's not your responsibility" kind of advisor because, really, I see those as very pointless words. They are honestly very empty words because they don't help me, not at all. When I ask for advice, you don't tell me to go backwards, you advise me how to go forward. In other words, if I already determined something as my responsibility, then arguing with me about that is wasting my precious time and effort. I'm not the kind to devote myself to something if I don't believe strongly in it.

     I'm really not sure what to do with my sister. And no, don't you dare tell me it's not my responsibility, because I think it is, and so it shall be. To be honest, I don't really care about her studies. It's definitely not for the same reasons as my parents - they believe that she simply isn't capable of that level of academic achievement. I think otherwise. I think she's just a late-bloomer, or late in relation to me, but she does make up for it by having social skills. I'm awkward as hell, even after 19 years on earth.

     In my opinion, at her age, it's perfectly fine to be very rebellious towards studying. I do want her to enjoy childhood while she still can, in the sense that she isn't yet swamped with academic burdens. But what bothers me is her attitude, not just towards studying, but towards everything else in life. Her attitude towards people. Her attitude when eating. Her very character. Those are things I cannot tolerate.

     My sister is very cute, something that seems to run in the family as children, and fortunately for her, unlike me, she doesn't seem to be growing out of it anytime soon. She is visibly attractive and genuinely loud and uncontrollable. That makes her quite popular at first sight, that's why I say she has amazing social skills. The problem comes in the way that she deals with these relationships. She displays the flaw that defines the reason why I absolutely hate strictly-defined Extroverts. She cannot concentrate her attention on one person and more often than not, I see her hurting her friends emotionally and being completely unaware of it. Even if she's aware, she spreads her attention too thinly among too many people and when the time comes, she realises that no one actually chooses her as a best friend. That is the problem of Extroverts with very little self-awareness. She is still young, of course, I've witnessed people around my age with that problem.

     Her attitude towards food is horrible. My belief is that if someone specially makes a dish for you, you should at least be polite and taste it. My sister stares at the food, pokes at it and then yells her displeasure. She complains about there being a little bit of garlic, she even talks back to the person who spent all that effort making the dish for her. Honestly, ungratefulness to me is intolerable. Even if the food taste bad, don't you dare say it. Yet my sister has the guts to throw the food on the floor and scream about it. She's 9! That's way past the age of doing that. It's nothing about culture, or religion, or tradition or anything. I just think that there's a certain amount of respect that needs to go into having a meal - like respecting the person who cooked it and showing your gratefulness. I disliked certain foods, but when it's served, you either shut up and not draw attention to yourself, or eat some of it. And for goodness sake, don't complain about right in front of the cook's face! That's so...insensitive.

      Her character is the worst, but that's mostly because she happens to have the character I hate the most. I absolutely detest people with no strong character and no sense of self. She is a people pleaser, like most ExFx types are, and has absolutely no beliefs of her own. She doesn't take anything away from her experiences and every single time the same thing happens, she deals with it in the same mindless way. I cannot stand people-pleasers. These kind of people aren't as selfless as they think they are. They are actually the most selfish. In trying to protect your own status among your friends, you end up offending all of them. You try to please everyone, and in the end you please no one. And when I look at people like that, I see absolutely nothing. There is no identity, no strength of individuality. The best example? When I like black, my sister suddenly likes black. When I change to purple, she changes to purple too. She tries to like the same thing everyone else likes, but it's too obvious. And sadly enough, just until recently, I actually opted to befriend someone like that. No personality, none at all. It's quite sad, really. What were you doing with your life?

     It's quite disturbing and I don't know what to do about it. My mom is honestly a very bad influence on her. Whereas I was always quite critical of everything my parents said, my sister has no such ability to think (I overthink things). She takes everything my mom says to heart and my mom can be a very straightforward and blunt person. She stereotypes heavily and is very unforgiving and apathetic. My mom is the type that laughs when people fall over and comments on them being idiots. My sister, being extra impressionable, just goes along. It was scary when my sister commented on an entire race of people when she knows nothing about them. And it's all because my mom is very racist.

     My mom and I don't agree either, so she doesn't let me influence my sister. She believes that if you have something to say, you should just say it. I believe if you have nothing nice or constructive to say, then don't say it. If you are going to criticise, be prepared to give advice. If not, shut your mouth and don't say things like that. When we go to a restaurant, it's hilarious. My mom glared at the waitress and basically spat venom at her the moment she accidentally spilled something on the floor. I, instead, went over and helped her wipe up the things and asked if she was feeling alright. My mom is thinking "she isn't performing her responsibilities right". I'm more towards "there must be something wrong, it's not her fault."

     So my sister has become someone who behaves horribly at dinner, avoids study like it's the plague, is overly critical and rude for no good reason, and is very pampered. And I want to do something about it. I know I should be able to influence her, but I am unwilling to become yet another contradicting force in her life.

     It's sad. It's Sunday night before exams, and I wrought with worry about my sister instead. My parents cannot understand me and think that I'm being very irresponsible. It's "none of my business" and I should focus on studying. It doesn't anger me...it makes me very sad to know how little my parents understand of me. How can I ignore the family and focus solely on myself? The disharmony feels very real to me.

     And now, I have to do verbal sparring with the wall too, since I essentially chased away my verbal sparring partner. Wasn't that good, but still better than a wall. I really want to meet someone who can actually retort to my arguments with something so insightful that I get caught off-guard. Most of the times, I can anticipate the opposition so perfectly that I just end up stopping the discussion, because seriously, I can conduct this whole debate in my own head. Well, I just really hope A levels are over soon because I'll get to meet new people and all. Perhaps it's because my choices were limited, that's why I had to settle for someone who ended being pretty much pointless. It's like when you stare a whole lot of nothing and then you see a tiny speck of dust and think it's valuable. It's not.

Random Nonsense #20: Dream Interpretations

     I don't think I'm a particularly superstitious person. Superstition is defined as the belief in supernatural causality -- one event that causes another without natural processes linking them, such as astrology, religion, omens, witchcraft, prophecies, etc -- that contradicts natural science. I think that in that sense, I am probably one of the least superstitious persons around because even my inclination towards theism (the belief that at least one deity exists) is only a hypothesis derived from the failings of scientific assertions, i.e. the loopholes within the Big Bang Theory.

     However, I think it is my inclination towards Psychology and its related fields that may make me seem like quite the superstitious person - mostly because I happen to enjoy entertaining these ideas. I'm not a very open-minded person, at least not by my definition. My definition of open-minded would be the ability to take in differing opinions with absolutely no resistance. I, on the other hand, rarely ever take in differing opinions if my own is already constructed. I will alter it accordingly, but I will never fully give up my stand, because I know I am a person who makes final decisions only after testing the hypothesis repeatedly.

     Why am I talking about this? Well, I was reading this dream dictionary again and some people believe that, just like astrology, to put prescribe meaning into dreams is being superstitious. I believe in astrology, not the ridiculous Daily Horoscope on the phone, but actual birthcharts. I don't believe the day, time and location of your birth determines your fate/personality for the rest of eternity, but I do believe that it somewhat affects it. If you think from a scientific perspective, about the relationship between the development of the brain and external factors at birth, e.g. temperature, climate, etc, then it may make some sense.

     Similarly, I do think that dream interpretations have quite a big element of truth. I feel the need to quantify it as "big" since I happened to state in a previous post that "all gossips possess an element of truth". Surely, the element of truth possessed by dream interpretations is greater than that of mere gossip - mostly unfounded kind of gossip.

     Then I have a question...if dream interpretations are trustworthy and reliable for dreams that occur naturally, for a person like me, who has learned from a young age to lucid dream, are these interpretations still as relevant? Lucid dreaming, for those unaware, is a phenomenon in which a person is aware that they are dreaming within a dream. Most of the times, people rarely lucid dream because the realisation that "this is a dream" often jolts them back to consciousness. For me, I don't know what it is, but I've brought it one step further into becoming able to manipulate things within the dream. In other words, I'm not just aware that I am dreaming, I take advantage of it.

     That obviously gives me power over a lot of people and occurrences within the dream but unlike what some other people may do with that power (You sick, sick people. This is why you don't get to lucid dream.), I often choose to only do slight manipulations and watch as situations unfold. I am also aware that when you lucid dream, your awareness lies in the subconscious of your dream self and your dream self continues to perform as they do. I discovered a lot about myself, even, from lucid dreaming - seeing myself from an outsider's perspective, if you will.

     Well, that passive stance I take in lucid dreaming was discarded a few days ago. I've recently been actively trying to induce a dream in which I can destroy something from within my subconscious. It has become clear to me, with the amount of time it is taking me to get over the situation in real time, that perhaps, the solution lies in my unconscious. After all, logic and rationale lies within the conscious mind and those are very stable and resolute already - what needs fixing is my emotions and my unconscious feelings.

     "Burning. In dreams, fire can represent a lot of things depending on the context. Fire can symbolise destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment or anger. If you are not afraid of the fire and it is under control or contained in one area, then it is a symbol of your own internal fire and inner transformation. Something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing."

     This is the interpretation I am exploiting. In my dreams, sometimes I revisit memories of events that have passed. I can often call up these memories within my dream self, but to actually position my dream self into the actual memory is quite difficult. But I've managed it. I wanted to put myself into those memories on purpose and then burn everything down. Violent, I know, but in dreams, often the most violent acts represent cleansing and wiping away of what is not desired. I want to forget these memories, happy as they may have made me back then, but they no longer matter. Hindrances should be burnt away and that was exactly my plan.

     "If the fire is encircling you and someone else, then it signifies your bond to that person. The two of your share something significant. Dreaming about fire and water together symbolises a polarising issue in your waking life. You are going through an emotional conflict and it is pulling you in two directions."

     The reason why I still believe in these interpretations despite being able to lucid dream is precisely because of this. I can set fire within the memory, but what happens from there is beyond my control. Just as the dream dictionary said, the fire, instead of consuming all in its path, encircled the two of us within the dream instead. And you, in the dream, tried to put it out with water. I don't think I need to explain further what these mean. There is an undeniable bond between us and it is only when I try to severe that bond that you would try to sooth it with water that is way too small for the fire.

     Now, it is not the first time I've dreamt of these memories and not the first time I've tried to burn things. I already know what the fire will do and what the you in my dream will do, but this time, I acted differently. In the past, I will immediately stop the fire and whatever is charred is mended or hidden. That represents me repairing the bond that I wanted to severe. But what did I do last night in that dream? Something I never thought I possessed the willpower to do.

     I turned away from you in the dream, not caring that you are trying to put out the fire. The fire is encircling us, yes, but I didn't care. I just walked towards the ring and somehow, it parted. Quite hilarious, you know, how well it reflects our situation. Like the fire that parted to let me leave our bond, you allowed me to walk away as well. I opened a door, I have no idea where it came from, and I walked through it. Behind me, the fire engulfed everything, such a bittersweet thing though.

     "If you are setting fire to something or even to yourself, then it indicates that you are undergoing some great distress. You are at the brink of desperation and want to destroy something or some aspect of yourself."

     It is truly a violent endeavour. These are memories of us that I held so very close, holding them as if they could shatter at any moment. I think that no matter which memory it is, I always treasure them more than you do, because that is the truth of our unbalanced relationship. I always adored you much more and that left me to be weak and vulnerable. No more. I didn't just throw these memories on the ground for them to shatter, I burnt them. Never again will anything mean so much more to me than to you. Never again will I put myself in a vulnerable position for one as unreliable as you. I have not become cowardly, I realised in the moment I walked towards the fire - my determination to leave all this behind me - prepared to be burnt just to get away, but I have reached a greater awareness.

     I am not afraid of loving another - I am afraid of loving another like you. I am not afraid of showing vulnerability to others, but only those who deserve to know. I thought you were deserving - my mistake. And like I said, you will become a symbol of a mistake - be grateful, at least you will live on in my memory as a valuable lesson, albeit a very unpleasant one.

     When I closed that door in the dream, I paused for a moment, wanting to look back and check on how you were. It is amazing how in my dreams, I see words in English now, despite growing up with a Chinese background. I think if such things happened in real life, I would legitimately be freaked out, but I suppose in a dream, everything isn't that surprising. It was like warning signs, in big flashing words and I could hear my own voice in my head.

     "How dare you take me for an idiot!"

     "How much of a fool do you think I am?"

     "Why did I ever trust someone like you!"

     "Never again! Never again. I won't believe anything you say. Never again!"

      "Eyes on the prize. Don't look back."

      Well, then it was rather anticlimactic, because I didn't look back at the door and walked on. Then, I woke up. I think the fact that these very questions also appear in my dreams is a clear sign that it's not just doubts I have in my conscious mind. They are doubts so deeply entrenched that even while dreaming, I can hear them clearly. If I had been a suspicious person at first, I think I am even more so now. I make bad decisions when trusting people - that's a lesson I've learnt many times and once again, I'll have to learn it again. Just because someone looks genuine and you think they are genuine, doesn't mean you should ignore what your senses tell you. Someone people are just very good liars. What I hate most, is how I was used in all this.

Weekday Rants #9

     Once again, I am feeling unsettled, troubled, agitated, tense...all the synonyms you can find for that word. There's a deep sense of apprehension that I may have been misguided, horribly misguided. I should really be used to it by now and I am starting to be accustomed to it. The thing is, I am no longer as afraid of making a mistake. It's not that I'm convinced that I made the right decision, of course not, but that I want to be able to move past this event, no matter whether I do it the right way or not.

     You see, I chose to reject a person's assertion and instead, believe in what I can see and what I can hear. I can hear the rumours that are in class, I can see the kind of looks people give you two when you are together - honestly, I could not have blamed anyone who thought you guys were dating. Even with my ears shut to their gossip (well-founded gossip, so much so that I would rather call them predictions than gossip), with my own eyes, I can believe that you are dating. The more I look on, the more convinced I am.

      Eventually, it reaches a point where it becomes impossible for me to deny the existence of a relationship between the two of you. When he asked me about what I thought, I wasn't lying when I said I think you two are dating. Sure, I was sad, heartbroken and all of those related emotions, but what ended up naturally becoming the dominant emotion was anger and a deep sense of betrayal. Indignation.

     I don't think I can be blamed. You know how I feel about you - I'm not exactly very discrete about it. Yet, at the same time, you want me to ignore what I cannot unsee. In fact, you flaunt it in my face. Do you know what you are asking of me? You are asking me to shut out the voices that are gossiping about you two together. You are asking me to ignore the adoring stares people give when you two are together. You are asking me to ignore you two blatantly being all lovey-dovey and always together. When you know how I feel about you, how dare you still expect me to stay your friend with you doing all these? How much willpower do you think I possess? No...how stupid do you think I am?

      I feel like I was being manipulated. You comfort me and tell me all these nice things, yet I feel like you are taking advantage of such things. I am already insecure about this as it is, thanks to the way this whole thing was handled, and you expect me to deal with this and not feel absolutely trash? How would you feel? Tell me. Think about it. Even if I gouge out my own eyes, I can still see you two dating from the way you guys act. I can see it without my eyes! Is this a holy miracle or something?

      And you still want me to believe in your WORDS. If words were honestly that binding in this world, my friend, the First World War would not have happened! If words really meant that much, when Chamberlain went back to England with that Anglo-German Declaration signed by Hitler at Munich, Hitler wouldn't be planning his attack! You want me to believe in your words against what I can see, I can hear...against what others can see, what they can hear! Do you think I'm a saint? Or do you really think that I'm that stupid? Did you really think that by comforting me and things like that, you can make me into the most blind person on this earth?

     It's not entirely your fault, of course, since I can probably be that kind of saint...or idiot...if I tried hard enough. But is it really worth it? Is it worth lying to myself? Is it worth doubting my own senses? Your friendship meant a lot to me, I wasn't lying about that, but you know me as a person. You know my values. I am not someone who runs from the truth. And this is what has become the truth in my mind - you two are dating, or will be dating, and even if I am a fool, I'm not foolish enough to stay around you long enough to have my heart completely crushed. Being rejected is one thing, but watching as the person you like date someone else when you still like them is another thing. You've watched Toradora, and reality is much more painful than that.

     So does it matter anymore whether the truth I see is really the truth? Does it matter if I'm just paranoid or it's really intuition? I even abandoned your whole anagnorisis thing - leaving that one completely up to fate. If you realise it now, it is already too late, and it's totally not my fault anymore. I've given it ample time and it's time for me to carry on with my life, separate from your influence. My hope is that with time, all you will come to be is a symbol - of the past, of a childish mistake - for me to learn from and takeaway. You, as a person. The time we spent together, which probably meant a lot more to me than to you. All those will be abandoned as part of the past, meant to be forgotten.

     I am not the kind of person to discard the past, but I need to be courageous. You, as you are now, with the kind of personality and character you possess, cannot assure me any longer with your empty words. I have lost faith in what you say - I can no longer believe in anything you say. I have always found strength in those that I help and strength in myself - you went from being a strengthening force to an obstacle.

    I want to continue loving you. I truly do. But I cannot do that for you anymore, because it takes strength away from me. That new Smite skin for Hou Yi, his quote is "Being loved deeply gives you strength, loving someone deeply gives you courage." I will sacrifice that courage for strength because I cannot find the strength to move on if that's all you are going to do to sustain our friendship. You may think that the breaking of the friendship is mostly my fault - yes, it is. But a friendship works when two people mend each other's broken pieces. It's the price you have to pay, I suppose, when you chose to be my friend with this kind of circumstances we just went through. I told you, didn't I, to not be my friend.

     I want to be able to move on because there is a dream I want to see bear fruit. I want to bring happiness into the lives of others - to give hope to those who have lost their light. My friendship with you and the potential of what can be, are small sacrifices for the potential of the future. Maybe you two will really end up together. But when I made the decision to turn away from you, I already made that more possible. At the same time, I think, I won't really care anymore. You two are going to be together and I'm going to be completely fine with it, congratulatory even, and maybe we will go on a double date, who knows. 

     You know in a place filled with psychological horror and you are not the main protagonist, there are only two routes to go. You either kill yourself, because you are unable to deal with what is going on. Or, you turn into those psychopathic and cold people, who learnt to adapt to the environment and yet can flip back once things return to normal. This is kinda like that. I dislike what I am about to become, but to survive in hopes of a better day, this is the decision I have to make.

     Remember what you said. This is because of what you told me. You wanted me to be the dynamic factor because you aren't changing. Because you refuse to change, because of your lack of enforcement of your words, because of that decision I agreed to. It is because of that that I believe I want to be able to leave this when I still can. If your rejection was the straw that almost broke my back, can you imagine how it would be like if you and her ended up dating and I was still close to you? If I am salvageable now, I doubt I can still be salvageable when that happens. And think about it, I have no right asking you for help then, because as your friend, I have to be happy for you both. What then?

      I am sorry, I really am. I wish I were stronger and I can pull myself through. But I know that if you two date, which in my mind is already happening, I will shatter. I know I won't show it and ask you to fix me, because I want to be happy for you when that happens. I don't want you to cry or feel guilty when I suddenly kill myself one day, just as you thought I was getting better, and then find out it is because of you that I killed myself. So I will find shelter before the storm hits, even if it isn't completely 100% that a storm will hit. 

     Paranoia or not, you should be able to see now, why I'm so convinced that you could be lying. 

These Songs #1

     It's incredibly how easily I get moved to tears by songs that are easily relatable. Relatable not necessarily in the sense that I have experienced the things the songs are about (although it is true more often than not), but in the sense that I can empathise and...sort-of feel the emotions the song is trying to portray. So like yeah...it's pretty pathetic imagining it from a third person's view...

     At first, I'm all like "Hell nah, I ain't gonna cry over nothing, not anymore!" And one of these situations happen:
1. Really, really touching part that somehow made me feel like I'm part of it.
2. Shit, is this singer stalking me? Why does he know exactly what I'm feeling?
3. Great, I didn't want to think about this.
     And then my face goes all like...

     Then I flip to my side and I'm just like...curled up into this fetal position on the bed and crying silently.

      Why do these songs gotta be so rude?! I wasn't going to cry, you know, not about ANYTHING from now on and then I cry over a bloody song. WILLPOWER, girl. WHERE IS YOUR WILLPOWER?! How are you going to sustain everything you've brought upon yourself and what is thrust upon you in the real life if you start crying about things like that? You will last no more than a week, I guarantee you - and the plan is FOR ETERNITY. So man up!

     But yes, I'm here to introduce to you the culprits. I've discovered my love for Coldplay songs...I don't know why. I'm not deep and shit like that...like the INFP, so I can't exactly explain why I like these songs or the band or anything. I just...feel like they aren't empty and shallow songs that I usually listen to for the beats?

1. A Message (ESFJ Theme Song apparently)

Lyrics:

My song is love

Love to the loveless shown

And it goes on

You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart is made of stone

And it's hard to see you clearly

You don't have to be on your own

You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say, "I don't meant that"

You're a target that I'm aiming at

And I get that message home

My song is love, my song is love, unknown

And I'm on fire for you, clearly

You don't have to be alone

You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"

You're a target that I'm aiming at

But I'm nothing on my own

Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait

Not gonna leave it until it's much too late

On a platform, I'm gonna stand and then say

That I'm nothing on my own

And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown

And I got to get that message home

2. In My Place (ENTJ Theme Song?)

Lyrics:

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah how long must you wait for it?

Yeah how long must you pay for it?

Yeah how long must you wait for it?

Oh for it

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under-prepared

But I wait for it

If you go, if you go

Leave me down here on my own

Then I'll wait for you (yeah)

Yeah how long must you wait for it?

Yeah how long must you pay for it?

Yeah how long must you wait for it?

Oh for it

Sing it, please, please, please

Come back and sing to me, to me, me

Come on and sing it out, now, now

Come on and sing it out, to me, me

Come back and sing it

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

And I was lost, oh yeah, oh yeah

3. Paradise (INFJ Theme Song, YEAH!)

Lyrics:

When she was just a girl

She expected the world

But it flew away from her reach

So she ran away in her sleep

And dreamed of para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl

She expected the world

But it flew away from her reach

And bullets catching her teeth

Life goes on

It gets so heavy

The wheel breaks the butterfly

Every tear a waterfall

In the night the stormy night

She closed her eyes

In the night the stormy night

Away she flied

And dream of para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

So lying underneath the stormy skies

She said

I know the sun's set to rise

This could be para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

Could be para-para-paradise

This could be para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

Could be para-para-paradise

This could be para-para-paradise

Para-para-paradise

Could be para-para-paradise

Random Nonsense #20: MBTI Stuff

     So I was going to do a post about my favourite Pokemon of each type...but there are 18 types and I'm way too lazy to go through all of them. I get exhausted doing posts involving the 16 types in which I have to give comments for all of them - imagine the frustration by the time I'm done going through all 18 Pokemon types.

1. The Types as Mothers
ESFJ: The one who's a mom to you, your friends and your friends' moms.
In other words, the mother who does not understand the meaning of privacy and "Yes, mom, I know. No, mom, you don't need to tell my friends too. They also have mothers."

ISFJ: The one who makes cookies every Friday for you to have when you get off the bus.
I mean I appreciate the effort and the kind of feelings you put into baking these but...I'm kinda sick of eating the same thing every Friday? Nonono, don't look like that! I'll still eat them!

ESTJ: The one who has a chore chart with great rewards, like going to theme parks, because that's what they had as a kid.
I'll take myself to the theme park. Ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do, not even my mom!

ISTJ: The one who always helps you get your projects done on time, offer hot cocoa periodically as you finish certain sections.
...Mom, why are you not asleep yet? It's 3am. GO. TO. SLEEP.

ENTP: The one who helps you name your ideas and lets you go to special schools that concentrate on your interests.
If this applies to fathers too...I really need to make an order for an ENTP real soon. The best kind of father you can have for your kids.

INTP: The one who lets you help them with their interests, and teaches you all about the subjectivity of the world.
......I suppose if you want my help...

ENTJ: The one who always has a plan for how to have the most awesome summer ever.
No mom. I have my own plans. We can compromise but if you don't want to, then I won't either.

INTJ: The one who never lets you win games; instead, they wait for you to be good enough to legitimately beat them because they know that's more satisfying.
......Am I an INTJ now? I feel like I will be that kind of mother who wants a son so that he can play video games with me, and then I'll beat him at everything, like how I beat his dad at everything. HAH.

ESTP: The one who totally endorses you learning extreme sports, and learns them along with you.
YES! YES PLEASE! Can I finally take Advanced Muay Thai? And skateboarding? OH, CAN I DO SWORDSMANSHIP TOO?!

ISTP: The one who loves playing catch or frisbee with you in the backyard, and always has a fun new idea of something to do.
My mom in a nutshell. I think 90% of the casual conversations we have involves her trying to drag me out of the house to exercise. Look, I love team sports where I can beat the crap out of someone, but there's only two of us.

ESFP: The one who turns the basement into a theatre so you and your friends can put on plays, complete with sets.
....That won't be necessary.

ISFP: The one who never makes you feel bad about crying, and always has a joke to make you better.
Awwww......that's like a cute and mild-mannered mom. But I want to keep my very short-term memory, hyper and practical mom.

ENFJ: The one who's always got your back, and always lets your friends stay over for five more minutes, and then dinner, and then for the whole night.
So basically the mother I will totally take advantage of. Don't worry, my friends will be over everyday...since you don't mind. You don't do you *smiles* See, I know you won't. Still...mom stop holding my hand, I can do this myself.

INFJ: The one who never makes you feel like you're crazy, and is always interested in your ideas about the world.
Oh please, I need this. My mom does not want to entertain my crazy ideas or theories. 

ENFP: The one who always wants to go on adventures with you, and loves cuddling after the adventures.
*Sniff* This is so beautiful. I can't decide whether ENTP is more beautiful or ENFP. Please hug me?

INFP: The one who goes out and buys those empty books from the craft store and lets you write and illustrate your own stories.
....I don't need these...

2. Things the Types are Always a Slut For
ENTP: Irony
OHHHH~ I like them too!

INTP: Aliens
....why? Because you are one of them?

INTJ: Their laptops
My best buddies on earth, understand me so well.

ENTJ: The mafia
...Uh-huh.

ENFP: Adderall
That's...that's not very nice to say about someone.

INFP: Tumblr
Lasts for about an hour, I suppose, when I'm extra bored?

INFJ: ENTPs
HELLO?! Another one of these shippers again? If you want to ship our types, can you at leat present me with one first?

ENFJ: Cult leadership
......what.

ESFP: Pissing off their parents
*rolls eyes* Childish.

ISFP: Lana Del Rey
LOL, really?

ISFJ: The food network
Funny, because the one ISFJ I know can't cook or bake to save her life.

ESFJ: PTA Meetings
Really? REALLY? And she's the daughter of a teacher too! How fitting.

ESTP: Gatorade
No, I don't need your energy drinks.

ISTP: Hunting their prey
...Mom? What are you doing?

ISTJ: The honour roll
Pssshhhht.

ESTJ: Capitalism
!!!!! YOU, COME HERE AND FIGHT ME!

3. Intuitives Expressing Love (with Anime Pictures of Guys I Fangirl Over for Those that Apply)
ENFP: I love you! *hugs tightly* Hey, you want to go skydiving together? They say the view is amazing!
Number one, you almost killed me when you hugged me. Number two, no, I don't want to die, thank you.
Kise Ryouta from Kuroko no Basuke

ENFJ: *Lots of hugs* You're really special to me, I really hope you know that!
Holy shit, let go of me! And bitch, of course I'm special, do I look/act like anyone else? Don't say redundant things!

ENTP: Where do you want to go tonight? I was thinking of somewhere...quieter, so I can hear you better.
Oh? Hmmm~ What do you have in mind, sweetheart? Aren't I saying your name loud enough already~ (hehehehehehe...two can play at this game)

Tyki Mikk from D.Gray Man

ENTJ: *hands you the remote* It's alright, I'll watch whatever you want, as long as we stay here together.
What a rare occurrence! You should do this more often.

INFP: *stargazing together* All these stars...do you know how many there must be? But you know, i prefer it here in our little planet...because you exist only one this planet.
*Backs away* ......Ermmm...alright, I ermm...gotta go?

INFJ: For tonight, I was wondering if we would just hang out together, I miss you.
See, we are normal! Straightforward and normal. No creepy INFP bullshit or too much physical contact. Though I won't like to date an INFJ...it seems like ENTPs are the most entertaining and charming.

INTP: *silently sits beside you* ...Uh, hey, how are you...? *gently holds your hand*
*Looks up in surprise* *Blinks* ..... *Smiles* Do you have the time?

INTJ: *sighs* I keep telling you to be careful when you're running like that *treats your wound* you better stop getting hurt because then I have to keep treating you.
TSUNDERE ALERT. TSUNDERE ALERT. Yes, please!

Kanata Nanami (representing Pisces) from Starry Sky

-------

Starry Sky Characters

Spring Characters

Suzuya Touzuki (Cancer), Nanami Kanata (Pisces), You Tomoe (Capricorn)

Summer Characters

Kinose Azusa (Sagittarius), Ryunosuke Miyaji (Scorpio), Homare Kanakubo (Taurus)

Autumn Characters

Iku Mizushima (Gemini), Kotarou Hoshizuki (Libra), Naoshi Haruki (Leo)

Winter Characters

Kazuki Shiranui (Aries), Aozora Hayato (Virgo), Tsubasa Amaha (Aquarius)

4. MBTI and Four Elements
Fire: ESTP, ESTJ, ENTJ, INTJ
Water: ESFJ, ENFP, INFP, ENTP
Air: ISTP, ISTJ, INFJ, INTP
Earth: ISFP, ISFJ, ENFJ, ESFP
     But my star sign is Taurus and it's the most Earth sign of the Earth signs!

5. INFJs Under Stress
Ni: OMFG, my future is fucked. My future is SO fucked. I have to fix it. I have to fix it RIGHT NOW.

Fe: But what about how THEY feel? OMFG, I BURDENED EVERYONE. I DESERVE TO HANG.

Ti: This new information doesn't match what I already thought and now nothing makes sense and I have to change my ENTIRE WAY OF THINKING because it MUST MAKE SENSE and I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.

Se: 420 blaze it.

5. Intuitives as Cats or Dogs
ENFP: The dog that is always super excited to see you and even more excited when you bring friends home.
Awwww....a little too noisy and obnoxious, but adorable all the same.

ENFJ: The dog that insists on stopping to interact with every other dog you encounter on a walk.
Right to behavioural training for the dog and on the way to get a shorter leash.

ENTP: The dog that likes to challenge younger children/dogs. They will grab their toys and run away just to see how they will react.
....I actually think that's pretty funny. Shhhh...

ENTJ: The dog that may not always be the biggest but is surely the leader in any situation. Whether it be in a dog park of deciding where to sit to watch TV.
Behavioural training for this one too. Too dominant and assertive could lead to aggression.

INFP: The cat that loves to cuddle, they slowly crawl up to you when you are alone and rub their noses on your hand for attention.
*Squeals* That's...that's so adorable.

INFJ: The cat that loves to lay down across the keyboard while you are furiously trying to finish a paper. They demand attention and love when they get it.
Wow, I'm that kind of obnoxious cat. *Purrr~* Scratch me behind the ears human and let me rub up on you. Stop moving.

INTP: The cat that loves to explore the house, is always trying to learn new things and create new beds.
Don't buy it a cat bed. Get it some things to make one.

INTJ: The cat that only comes out at night and stares at you, unmoving, as you begin to doubt approaching them.
WORLD DOMINATION. I think this is what the INFJ cat is like at night too.

Weekday Rants #8: Some Smite Updates

     I swear, I have not been so excited by a Smite Top Plays video, but this week's one is bloody amazing. I have not seen such an amazing Athena play, ever. The first three are a little underwhelming, despite having a pro player in the third one (it's MLC!), but I promise, the Top 2 plays are things of legends.


     And there was a remodel for Loki! Finally! I was waiting for this God of Mischief to actually look like a God of Mischief. Oh, might I mention, he was also the first God I mastered and while the connection lag (as expected since I'm playing from Asia and there are no Asian servers) deterred me from playing Jungle roles for a while, I still have sentimental attachment to Loki.

     This was what Loki looked like before, with the gold skin. Notice how underwhelming and not-very-threatening he looks.

 
     And this is what he looks like now. Perfection.

 
     I just saw the video displaying the two new skins for Hou Yi and Chang'E and...well...you have to see it for yourself. It's a little ridiculous, but it does fit Chinese mythology. For those who don't know, here is the background to their respective mythological tales:

     Hou Yi, the Defender of Earth, is a Chinese God. A long time ago, ten suns shone in the sky above earth and the heat ravaged the earth. The people prayed to the Emperor-God Di Jun who called the great archer, Hou Yi. With a mythical red bow and a quiver of white arrows, Hou Yi fired at the sun - a warning shot. When the suns impassively remained, he shot down the suns, leaving only 1 in the sky. Fearful of his archery, the last sun set below the horizon.

     Chang'E, the Faerie of the moon, was once among the immortals that lived in the Heavens and was the most elegant dancer. She drew the affection of the hero archer, Hou Yi, and the two were soon married. Yet, the suns which Hou Yi had shot were the ten children of the Jade Emperor and after Hou Yi's deed, they were both punished and made mortal. Chang'E grew melancholy and danced no more. To restore their status in the Heavens, Hou Yi found the Elixir of Immortality, but while hiding it from thieves, Chang'E had no choice but to drink it. It gave her immortality, but she was also banished to the moon, forbidden to see her husband, with only a Jade Rabbit as her companion.



     Yes, Hou Yi, very philosophical words - "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

     Now for some MBTI stuff. I have a whole backlog of these.


1. MBTI Squad
People think they care and they do: INFP, ENFP, ISFP, ESFJ, ENFJ, INFJ

     Oh really. I just reached a sudden realisation today that I am a very compulsive liar and a pretty good actor too... In fact, I take pride in how my genuine lies have never been seen through before and that my acting is always on-point.

People think they don't care but they do: INTJ, ENTJ, ESTJ, ISTJ

People think they don't care and they don't: ISTP, ESTP, ESFP

People think they care but they don't: INTP, ENTP

     *Stares* Darling, is that true?

2. How to Tell When Each MBTI Type is at Their Angriest
ENTJ: They just bought all your shit and liquidated it just to see you have nothing, they show you everything you did wrong up to this point and make you eat it.
Biggest asshole ever. They basically leave you with absolutely nothing, although it's all material stuff so I guess they can be replaced with time.

ESTJ: You're fired, from everything. Also loud screaming about how you are a failure.
Okay, goodbye and good riddance.

ESTP: They're on top of you, pummelling you senseless.
You want to fight? You real bro? I will beat you up and watch you crawl home on your sorry knees!

ISTP: A swift punch to the face, then they walk away, without seeing if you're alright.
Okay, that was weird.

ENFJ: None of your friends talk to you anymore, they've manipulated them all into hating you.
Oh shit. That's actually legitimately the worst thing to do. Come to think of it...was that girl in Primary School an ENFJ because that's literally what she did to me...It was fortunate that I did find people who believed in my innocence, but oh boy was she amazing at turning people against me.

ESFJ: 5 hours of straight yelling and screaming until your ears bleed.
This is when earplugs from live firing with assault rifles in NCC becomes useful. 

ESFP: They scream at you in front of everyone, then break down and cry making you look like the monster.
Are you serious? I have half a mind to kick you in the face...or concede (for now).

ISFP: A swift punch/slap to the face, then endless tears.
Now I feel bad. Also, girls, don't slap. I know girls, for some reason, prefer slapping but that does not hurt as much as punching does and slapping hurts your own hands. I recommend a well-aimed kick between the legs, or if you're like me, beat them legitimately first and then kick them there. 

INFP: When you feel an Fi bullet go through your chest from 10km away. A single sentence that hurts you in a way you never thought possible.
Oh you think this is bad. Wait till you see the INFJ's. INFPs are being way too merciful. One shot isn't enough - it's too quick. 

INTP: They become a psychopathic mad-man swinging around an Fe knife wildly. They become a child throwing a tantrum, suddenly uncomposed.
An Fe knife doesn't sound too bad actually. It's just a childish outburst of anger.

ENTP: They've twisted your words and actions into a gauntlet of your demise.
Yes, this is a very admirable way to deal with people you hate. Well done, ENTP.

ENFP: They play devil's advocate and feed on your insecurities and turn them on you until you hate yourself.
Nice...breaking people from the inside-out, very sneaky.

ISFJ: They take you on the worst guilt trip of your life, laying out everything they've done for you and telling you they regret it.
That's like low level anger in an INFJ.

ISTJ: They walk away and refuse to come back. You're not worth their time anymore.
But like...you've gotta come back if you two are stuck in the same location...just saying.

INTJ: They make you see how stupid you are, as if they are shoving a cats face in its own urine stain.
Once again, massive respect for our fellow Ni-dom, though it's not the kind of attacking method I would use.

INFJ: They take your emotions and just relentless cut them and eviscerate them until you are irreparably broken, with such accuracy that it must have been meticulously planned.
So just a note of warning, if an INFJ truly gets angry to that extent, first, record it down in history, because that is an extremely rare occurrence. Then, get as far away as possible because we will make you hate your very existence, down to the very last detail.

3. Ni Problems
1. Your friends get annoyed when you predict what will happen in a movie, including the ending.
"I told you so! Wow, why am I even watching this?"

2. Knowing something and not knowing how you know it.
"What if you're wrong?" "I don't know! I just...know?"

3. Getting annoyed and confused when someone jumps from one unrelated topic to another.
"Okay, look. This is irrelevant. This belongs in topic A, but that belonged in topic B and there isn't a link between them. You stop talking right now."

4. You're constantly inside of your head. It's not surprising for you to zone out and lose your sense of self and the physical reality.
"You know you can just say it right." *Silence* I actually just had the entire conversation in my head so I don't need to say anything anymore.

5. Planning is a necessity. You just don't do spontaneity.
"No, we aren't going to meet 'when we are free'. You tell me what time, what place and you make sure you are there." "No, I'm not studying __ today because I had planned to study __ and nothing will make me change my plan."

6. You love metaphors and symbolism.
With my constant mentions of anagnorisis and tragedies, and a whole lot metaphorical bullshit that sounds fancy as hell.

7. You remember exactly how you felt at an event and what impression it made on you, but you can't for the life of you remember the colour of the walls, what food was served there or the name of anyone you met.
...Now that I think about it...yeah. I remember how this delegate was so nervous that I started fidgeting too...but I can't remember what school, what name or even...what colour his tie was. It was just this really, unsettling kind of nervously that makes the air stifling.

8. As far as planning goes, everyone else is 5000 steps behind you. The problem? Nobody seems to care about catching up.
Like you know, the anagnorisis? I have the entire bloody plan done for whatever I will do for each scenario and what to do for each separate developments including the scenario. But guess what, nowhere close yet.

9. You cannot live in the moment. You cannot.
Well unless my life is only in this second, which it is NOT.

10. Having an incredible epiphany in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to write it down and nobody to tell.
Oh my, so I'm not crazy. I have random realisation and theories from out of nowhere on trains, while walking, in class, etc and I have no idea how I even thought of it.

11. Liking a movie or book simply because it actually did something you couldn't predict.
That is one reason why I don't read fiction anymore. At a certain age, I think around 9, I read the first 3 chapters and immediately go read the last page. And I'm just like "Yup, I knew it. How boringly predictable."

12. One of your predictions turn out wrong and you are confused and angry at yourself.
Come on, intuition is like our primary sense. It's like me telling you that the colour purple you are looking at isn't actually purple but was green all along. It's like me telling you that even though you feel like you're sitting on a chair, you are actually not. Intuition, especially those about the larger scheme of things, has rarely been wrong. That's why I think the matchmaking service is actually not a bad industry to get into.

4. The Types as Coldplay Songs
ESFJ: A Message

ESFP: Green Eyes

ESTJ: Princess of China

ESTP: Hurts like Heaven

ENFJ: Viva la Vida
Frigging graduation song, walking into the amphitheatre with shiny ribbons of green-black-white tied around ponytails, class group-hug with us EXCO in the centre, etc etc

ENFP: Magic
I like this one~

ENTJ: In My Place

ENTP: Talk

ISFJ: Ink

ISFP: Every Teardrop is a Waterfall

ISTJ: Violet Hill

ISTP: Glass of Water

INFJ: Paradise
*Gasps* I actually got my favourite one! YES! I love this song so much!


INFP: Yellow

INTJ: Warning Sign

INTP: White Shadow

5. What the MBTI Types Want the Most from Others
ESTJ - Respect
"Your hard work and dedication is admired by us all and you have earned our respect. How would you like to lead this project?"

ENTJ - Submission (in a good way)
"I have complete trust that you are doing what is best for us, the decision is in your hands and I'll follow your lead."

ESTP - Admiration
"That was really cool, what you did back there! I'm very impressed with you and all the rad stuff you do!"

ENTP - Awe
"That's incredible...how did you pull that off? Your mind never ceases to amaze me, you are truly very intelligent and marvellous."

ESFJ - To be liked
"You're always so nice to everybody! You really bring all of us together! Everything just feels so much happier and more harmonious with you around!"

ENFJ - Love
"I love you (ENFJ), you're really important to me, your companionship means a lot to me, thank you for always being so giving and thoughtful."

ESFP - Applause
"*Crowd goes wild*!!!!"

ENFP - Acceptance
"You are an inspiration to me. You brighten everyone's day; Keep being the unique and special person you really are."

ISTJ - Trust
"Your work ethic and consistency says volumes about your character. I know that I can trust you with even the toughest and most important tasks going forward."

INTJ - Peer-review
"I learn so much from you with every passing conversation. You are free to pick my thoughts any day, as well, if I learn anything new, you'll be the first to know!"

ISTP - Confidence
"You got this, you've proven your ability to thrive on your own and we're always impressed with the results you deliver."

INTP - Autonomy
"Have as much freedom as you need. Your worth is based off of your own merits and no one can take that away. Your mind is unique, beautiful and deserves space to breathe."

ISFJ - Thanks
"You are always so kind, patient and giving to everyone. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Not a single good work goes unnoticed."

INFJ - Understanding
"You are a special snowflake of wonder and are truly real in a rare way. The same understanding you give everyone should be given to you as well. I will do my very best to understand you."

ISFP - Acknowledgement
"These artistic expressions are wonderful! You make this world more beautiful. The world would be a cold colourless place without you."

INFP - Sincere Validation
"Your emotions are real and they matter. Your values, ideals and expression matter. What you and what you are matters."