I think it's absolutely incredible how different my sister is compared to me. I was that one little girl that never behaved like a girl - jumping in puddles under the rain, playing soccer with the guys during recess, getting into fist fights with guys while rolling in the mud, etc etc. And then comes my sister - protesting when a drop of rain hits her, hating the sun and liking make-up, always crying instead of standing up to whoever is hurting her. I used to think it was an older sister-younger sister dynamics, but I think it's more apparent in the two of us.
And my sister is a lot like my mom while I'm like my dad, with a mixture of my grandma on my mom's side. Even at the age of 6, my sister already took interest in nail polish, high heels, glittery make-up, etc, everything I scowled at as a kid. I didn't understand nail polish - the normal colour is fine and natural. I didn't understand high heels - I can't run in them, so what's the point? I don't understand glittery make-up - I'd rather my friends knew who I was, instead of trying to look like a pixie.
Even now I don't think I really understand...or maybe I understand but I don't accept it personally. I understand that nail polish makes your nails look pretty and exotic, but I think the natural hue is the best. I understand that high heels make you look taller and more elegant, but really, I wear them when I go out so that I can see over people's heads. I don't really care about the elegance, because even now, I'd rather be able to run and jump around than to have my mobility severely limited by my footwear. I understand that make-up covers your flaws and allows you to achieve your ideal image, but shouldn't you wear what you inherited (or what God gave to you, if you want to say it that way) from your parents proudly? Why should you be what you are not?
But it's a self-defeating point-of-view to be sure. I'd rather kill myself than deny the essence of who I am. That's not very ideal for survival, is it? People say that I adapt fast, but that's superficial adaptation. It's very INFJ-like, I think, to be able to adapt quickly on the outside, but be firmly and securely fixed on the inside. We can bend to the will of others, no matter the cost to ourselves, but to us, it isn't being adaptable - we are still following our inner values.
My sister is an extrovert, without a doubt. But she's definitely not intuitive. That's a horrendous combination with an INFJ. She talks too much, about things I can't really care about. As a sensing person, she comments on things that I don't care about too. Like the example of watching Digimon - she'll often ask me if I think a character is cute or pretty or handsome or cool. I'll just raise my eyebrows at her, remembering how I tended to overlook such qualities. It's not even that I'm more mature now, because even as a child, I was the type to think that characters cannot be defined by a single word. Every character has an aspect of cute, pretty, handsome, cool and it's ultimately the combination of these that make them a likeable character. But that's hard to explain.
And so I'm stuck in the house with an ISTP, an INTP and an ESTP/ESFP. It's not very pleasant, to be sure. I always feel like I'm crazy. I sense tension in the air, the crackling sensation of irritation/anger/annoyance, but it seems like it's just me. Maybe I'm crazy. After all, we live in a world where what the majority believes in is usually taken as the truth. So if everyone in my family acts like there's nothing wrong, then I'm the one who's seeing things. It doesn't help that I'm wary about the whole "INFJs are prone to overthinking" thing.
I asked my mom why she cares about make-up and her outer appearance so much. She's not someone who cares about what others think about her, or that's how she presents herself, so it's confusing to me. But apparently, "looking good makes me feel good", which is completely legitimate. Still, "looking good" is vague because I think as long as you clean up and wear some clean clothes, you look good. But for my mom, looking good means concealers, eyeliners, eyebrow thingys, mascara, lipstick, etc etc.
So being very frank, because I desperately want an answer, I asked my mom, "Is your self-esteem so dependent on how well you can manipulate your appearance? Shouldn't you just take pride in how you look?" I know she's a woman and having white hair isn't socially accepted as being pretty. But I think that's the problem with society. Having white hairs is a symbol of old age and thus, of wisdom, of life experience. It proves to others how much you have been through, of how much you have experienced, of your wisdom. Why should you conceal it? It's a natural process of aging, isn't it?
This society, if it were given an MBTI, would be an ESTJ society. It doesn't take too kindly to Introverts and we often loiter on the outskirts of society. S is very obvious because of how much people tend to focus on outer appearances. I've also told my mom that, I don't think looking good via make-up will make you feel good because "The more you focus on your outer appearance, the more those around you will focus on it too. If you want people to focus on your character and the kind of person you are, then you should not try to cover it under layers of make-up.". Of course, my mom didn't take it too well - she thinks me too unrealistic.
It's a T society, without a doubt, because logic is prized so much higher than feelings. IQ is prized over EQ and while yes, IQ is fixed and EQ can change, that doesn't mean that you should always prize the quality that is more easily controlled.
Why am I so depressed about life in general, even though I'm the one who said that I can jolt myself out of it? It's precisely because this is an ESTJ society. I know that with time, with the effort put in, I can talk myself and walk myself out of the shithole I am in. But the ESTJ quality of this society will just walk me into another shithole. Why? Because this damn world will not wait for you.
It is my fault, but it is still unfortunate, that I dug the hole I'm standing in even deeper at this time of the year. If I were given the whole holidays to sit in peace and meditate, going over my thoughts and emotions carefully, it is almost a 100% success rate that I can walk myself out of this suicidal state. But this world does not and will never wait for me. Exams are coming up next week, I need the holidays to study. There is no time, no effort to spare, for me to focus solely on myself without the nagging voice in my head telling me I have to study.
And it's bad, because I'm the kind of person who cannot have 2 channels working at the same time. INFJs suck at multitasking, yes, but it's a particular type of multitasking that I suck at - the kind that requires compartmentalising. For example, if both of the activities I'm doing requires cognitive skills, then I can multitask them. However, if one activity requires logic while the other requires sensitivity and emotional intelligence, then I cannot multitask.
First, how do I define multitasking? Why do I need to define that? Because if you are doing 2 things at once, but you can't do both at the same efficiency as if you were to do them separately, then it's not multitasking. Multitasking, thus, is the ability to do 2 or more activities at once, each with the same efficiency as if you were doing them individually.
I know people find it incredible that I can be doing Hypothesis Testing (specifically the T-distribution bit, because it's quite difficult) while still solving a previous Vectors question at the back of my mind. I won't do the question at hand wrongly, and I will be able to solve the question at the back of my mind too. However, if you ask me to do a simple Maths question while I'm thinking about some emotional stuff, then I cannot focus at all. That's why I am often praised for my efficiency in studying despite being inconsistent.
I'd rather be consistent, but I cannot, because like I said, I don't want to deny who I am. If I'm really upset about something, then I am. It's not that simple though. I usually cannot tell what it is I'm feeling. It's just a really bad pang, but I cannot identify the emotion. You may think if I'm so ready to acknowledge my emotions, then I must be an INFP. No, that's not it. Just because I acknowledge it, doesn't mean I'll share it or even show it. Most likely, the way I behave when I'm happy and when I'm really upset is the same. It's just that I accept the emotion internally, but I lack the Fi of an INFP to understand it.
So because I don't deny my emotions, there is also the fact that I cannot ever focus for a long time without the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns setting in (Yay, Economics). My emotions will come up and I will be distracted, not just for hours, but for days. But in those rare occasions when my mind is quiet and I can do work, I'm incredibly fast. The Math Revision package was stated to be about 20 hours long and I know people who spent the whole holidays doing it (even when they meant to finish it in a week). I picked it up one day and finished it in 10 hours, that's the kind of efficiency I'm working with.
I want to be consistent, I want to be able to wake up at 8 and study until 10 at night without being distracted. I've tried before and at the end of the day, when I finally allowed the emotions I shut off to come back, it hit me so hard I just spent hours crying instead and lost the motivation to study for a whole week. So clearly, it's not good for me to hide emotions from myself. Imagine the kind of pain my parents would feel if they saw me crying. It's not their fault so they shouldn't have to see my moment of weakness.
I'm not sure how this year will end, but logic tells me that I won't survive it. Already I'm trying to hold on to the ledge and pulling myself back up. But I have weights to take on - exams, testimonies, etc etc, and I have to continue pulling myself up while taking on more weight? It sounds like a recipe for failure. INFJ, the realistic idealists, pessimistic optimism is in my personality. I'm pessimistic about how this year will end, but optimistic idealism allows me to give myself the chance to at least pull myself through this year and see how it goes. It's funny, really, but not surprising. When the MBTI community said that INFJs are walking contradictions, they weren't kidding.
Now for a random video I took from an INTJ's Tumblr page. I think it's pretty self-explanatory because well...it's supposed to be such a video. Duh. Ni people on Tumblr...seriously. INFJs and INTJs are rare, but there are so many of them on Tumblr. It's called "Dating Tips", but really, it's more about interaction between people and growth and such.
No comments:
Post a Comment