No, I don't intend to translate all that because that would just defeat the purpose of writing it in Japanese in the first place. In fact, I've even gone to the extent to ensure that Google Translate will be extremely confused with my phrasing and translate it incorrectly. It's not even that complicated and I'm sure that a competent Primary School level Japanese student can translate that without any problems. Still, it will be incredibly cryptic and the application is also incredibly subjective.
Anyway, I'm listening to this song that used to be the batch song of one of my senior batches. If memory serves me well, it was that batch that was Sec 4 when I was in Sec 1 - in other words, the first batch of seniors that I knew. Given the nature of my CCA in Primary School, there weren't strong distinctions between juniors and seniors back then, so this was technically the first batch of seniors I had. I love all the batch songs of my seniors, but this one is particularly meaningful and fitting for the kind of mood I'm usually in nowadays. It also fits the personality of that senior batch very well and they were the most similar to my batch.
Crash and Burn by Savage Garden
Lyrics:
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you,
Give me a moment please,
To tame your wild, wild heart.
I know you feel
Like the walls are closing in on you.
It's hard to find relief
And people can be so cold.
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore...
*Start of Chorus*
Let me be the one you call.
If you jump I'll break your fall,
Lift you up and fly away
With you into the night.
If you need to fall apart,
I can mend your broken heart.
If you need to crash,
Then crash and burn.
You're not alone.
*End of Chorus*
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find,
You're caught in a one-way street
With the monsters in your head.
When hope and dreams are far away
And you feel like you can't face the day...
*Repeat Chorus*
'Cause there's always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again.
You'll breathe again.
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you,
Give me a moment please,
To tame your wild, wild heart.
*Repeat Chorus*
The video is weird, but the song itself is amazing. The other senior batches' batch songs were My Love by Westlife and We Are One from Lion King II. It's as if there's a trend where with every succeeding batch, the songs get more light-hearted...until it reached our batch. We take after our first batch of seniors like you wouldn't believe.
Us Against the World by Westlife
Lyrics:
Us against the world, against the world.
Us against the world, against the world.
You and I, we've been at it so long,
But still got the strongest fire.
You and I, we still know how to talk,
Know how to walk that wire.
Sometimes I feel like the world is against me,
But the sound of voice, baby,
That's what saves me.
When we're together I feel so invincible.
*Start of Chorus*
'Cause it's us against the world,
You and me against them all.
If you're listening to these words,
Know that we are standing tall.
I don't ever see the day
That I won't catch you when you fall.
'Cause it's us against the world
Tonight.
*End of Chorus*
Us against the world, against the world.
There'll be days, we'll be one different sides,
But that doesn't last too long.
We find ways to get it on track
And we know how to turn back on.
Sometimes I feel I can't keep it together,
Then you hold me close
And you make it better.
When I'm with you I can feel so unbreakable.
*Repeat Chorus*
We're not gonna break,
'Cause we both still believe.
We know what we've got
And we've got what we need, alright,
We're doing something right.
*Repeat Chorus*
Us against the world, yeah it's us against the world, baby.
It's us against the world tonight.
Us against the world, against the world.
Us against the world.
And now for depressing posts on Tumblr, courtesy of me searching up "depression" on a website full of potentially depressing people. An attraction towards melancholy? Not really. It's just that these people at least understand me a little. It's understanding, not approval, that I seek. Sadly enough, as an INFJ who is depressed, that's about the last thing the world is going to give me. There have been attempts to try, certainly, but the surface is so clean and smooth - it has barely been scratched, if at all.
"Depression" Tag on Tumblr
Really? Only "sometimes". Look on the bright side then, at least some other times, you don't want to disappear. Also disappearing sounds like the best idea, because it does not involve complicated planning and fool-proofing the way suicide does. I think by the end of planning, I'm already too weary and wary to do anything. If I can just *poof* up and disappear, that'll be nice. What's that Harry Potter spell again? Maybe Obliviate? Wiping the memories of other people of me? That sounds like a perfect way to cut ties. Sadly, I think my letter to Hogwarts got lost on the way here.
It's embarrassing, shocking, disappointing, that I find being asleep much better than being awake. The whole notion of preferring to be in a dormant and unresponsive state is disgusting and I can't help but hate myself even more for that. It's a coward's way of thinking - to escape into a dream state where everything is as I want it to be and I don't have to work for anything. It's pathetic is what it is. But do I still prefer to be asleep? Yes, but I can't stay asleep. I should have known that with my kind of luck, I drew the insomnia card from depression and not the oversleeping card.
And I think that is why INxxs are very prone to depression and suicide, although I can explain NFs better than NTs. INFPs and INFJs feel so much, there's so much inflow of emotions and we don't know how to express our own. Our extroverted counterparts, as I have explained in a previous post, are able to compartmentalise these emotions into "mine" and "others" since its part of their extroversion. INFP's extreme emotions come from within, with Fi, INFJ's extreme emotions come from outside Fe, which becomes convoluted inside via Ni-Ti loop. As far as I am concerned, there is little Extroverts can do to understand how INFPs and INFJs feel, and that's why compatibility for our types is so limited. You can certainly try to understand, but what you understand in the end is a sheer underestimation of what it truly is. Trust me, I know you're trying, but because of our differences, you can never understand.
Not every INFJ or INFP is like that of course. It has a lot to do with nurture as well. I can't speak for INFPs, but I know not all INFJs have such thick shells covering their true personality. Upbringing is a key factor to how deeply an INFJ has hidden himself/herself. I know for a fact that I have shells so thick, sometimes I even lose sight of who I really am and come to believe in the mask I wear. And for INFJs and INFPs like that, it's a painful life to live. After all it's a lonely world when only 3-5% (INFJs and INFPs) of the world's population can really sympathise with you, and that's only if they try, which they often don't.
Ah, but that's because we are looking at this from different perspectives. I have often seen posts asserting that xNFJs are the most religious type. I can't say for our Extroverted cousins, since they are ranked the "Least likely to be Atheists" while INFJs are still top few, but still not that high on the list. For INFJs, it's not that we are religious, no. I think this other person says it well. "INFJs are prone to believing in fate, even if they are atheists". In my case, I don't think I was even meant to be alive, so what I did do wrong, was to be alive. It's rather like Yui and Fae in Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. The manga, not the anime, since the anime found it necessary to skip that part for some reason.
After which I would thank you for finishing the job I had no courage to carry out. I have no courage to speak of. I have spent my life digging holes around me and I know better than anyone that there's no way out. Yet, even when reality is clear to me, I still fear the idea of death. No, not of death, but the failure of inflicting that death. So if someone could slit my throat and guarantee that death for me, I'll be ever thankful, but please, I don't want to dirty your shirt and let the last thing I do alive be a burden too. Maybe I'll find some way to piss off a murderer or something so that I don't have to stab myself and then chicken out halfway. Still, these pictures of people cutting...at least I'm not that cowardly. Why are all the cuts so shallow? I know I underestimated the sharpness of a penknife, but seriously, that didn't even hurt enough so why cut so shallow? I don't understand this.
You girl, you have some serious problem if you think you're depressed. Second choice? SECOND CHOICE? You better be fucking grateful that you are even a choice at all! Some of us aren't a choice for anything. Bitch please, how about you try not even being a choice for once. See how the rest of us feel. You are second choice for your friends? How about the fact that not one of my friends from the past ever checks back on me? At first I thought it was just them, but it has to be me! How about never being a choice EVER? Seriously...at least you are second. Just like those silver medallers crying about not getting gold when there are tons who didn't even make it there.
At this point, I would like to point out how every single one of these posts that seem understanding are from people who are equally or more depressed than I am. Perhaps that's what inspired the manga, Jisatsu Circle - the fact that only people in depression or have went through depression can understand those depressed. When others try to understand, it's like a mockery of our depressed feelings, because they don't understand the intensity of it, at all.
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Jisatsu Circle
Jisatsu Circle, in English, Suicide Circle, is a 2002 Japanese independent horror film, written and directly by Sion Sono. The film explores a wave of seemingly unconnected suicides that strikes Japan and the efforts of the police to determine the reasons behind the strange behaviour.
For the sake of this post, I will be addressing the manga version of the story, since I've yet to see the film...neither do I want to see it. The story begins with the same opening scene as the film, where 54 girls, while holding hands, jump off the platform at a train station, an attempt at mass suicide. However, one girl survives - Saya Kota - who opens another Suicide Club after her survival grants her seemingly mysterious powers. Other depressed students see her as a leader, almost deity-like figure, the way Saya used to see her own Suicide Club leader.
One line that strikes me the most was when Saya said that "Only Mitsuko-san understood us", which is related to the previous comment I made. Because of the way that all the students perceived Mitsuko to be the only person who understood them (and maybe she was), they devoted their lives to her and willingly joined in her rituals. After Saya survived her suicide, she took on a similar role in her new Suicide Club and even took on the name, Mitsuko. It is then revealed that every leader of every Suicide Club in Japan was named Mitsuko.
Saya's childhood best friend, Kyoko, feared for Saya's future and attempts to pull her out of her depression. However, their friendship was already damaged before and Saya, seeing Kyoko's every action as a further rejection and betrayal of their friendship, counteracts Kyoko's attempts by forcing her into the Suicide Club too. After being captured and forced into the Club, Kyoko awakes to the suicide attempt - holding hands while leaping off the school building. In the last moments, Kyoko and Saya are seen reconciling and sharing happy memories, only for the scene to end when Saya's head smashes against the concrete. Kyoko survives the suicide and it is suggested by the final credits that she will become the new Mitsuko.
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