Call it INFJ precognition or psychic abilities, but I had foreseen everything. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew what the answer was before the question was even asked. I knew how badly I would react. If I were an INTJ, I wouldn't have gotten myself in this situation, but alas, I am an INFJ. Too idealistic, too hopeful. Having too much faith in something that I knew was impossible. Really, why am I an INFJ? ISFJs are wiser and more pragmatic. INTJs wouldn't even get into such trouble.
It's pretty hilarious how my whole reaction was very controlled, in a very twisted manner. Maybe it's the xNFJ's far-sightedness. I was more concerned with how well I can conceal my act and how much of it can just be passed off as an incident. Also, I was worrying about how much it's going to hurt in the shower. It's the INFJ disassociation thing where my thoughts, my emotions and my body became 3 separate entities.
How do I feel now? I feel like I'm hanging at the edge of the cliff. I don't know if I want to pull myself up. I know very well that if I don't get everything under control, probably under another huge layer of lies I'm going to tell myself, something will have to give way. Right now, it seems like it's between my sanity, my personality, and my existence.
The sanity part will come if I choose to do absolutely nothing and let myself get overwhelmed. I think that's the least likely of the three because doing nothing means being a burden and not trying to not be one. The personality part, I stubbornly refuse to change. It should be absolutely easy for me to over-develop my Ti, because it is already quite developed as a result of my upbringing. But even with everything that has happened, with how much I hate being who I am, I think it's not the personality type that's the problem, but my own incompetence as an INFJ. I would rather die than become a selfish person.
But suicide is not an easy thing to accomplish. It's not the act of committing it, since I already have a plan drawn out and I know the chances of success. It's that I have made too many ties with people around me and it defeats the purpose of suicide if the last thing I do in my life is to, once again, burden others. If I just kill myself like that, it will cause sadness, disappointment, hatred, guilt, and stuff like that. I could always cut my ties, but I can't right now. A few of these ties are still providing sustenance to people I'm not about to just abandon like that. I have sworn to protect them and to counsel them, and those are promises I intend to keep.
I want to go through this blog called "Introvert, Dear" ran by a fellow INFJ who initially began this blog as a method for self-development. I believe it is through rationalising my thoughts, by allowing my Ti to take over for a while and taking the advice of an understanding stranger, that I will come to be able to make my decision. There is little I can do with the situation, but there is a lot of personal decision-making I have to do. What I intend to do from now on, how I'm going to act, etc etc.
1. INFJ and Soulmates
When it comes to love and relationships, we INFJs don't want to be with just anyone.
As introverts, we're independent, and as INFJs, we're perfectionists. A lot of us would rather be alone than date or marry someone just for the sake of having a warm body around.
If we're acting authentically, we INFJs don't usually do casual hook-ups, one night stands, or friends with benefits. We like to dive deep, and investing in shallow, temporary relationships isn't our style.
We want to build relationships that last a long time -- forever, if that were possible -- and myabe somehow it is for the mystical INFJ.
What qualities do INFJs seek?
1. Someone who respectfully protects our sensitive nature.
We're more sensitive emotionally than many other personality types -- we're like a finely tuned instrument -- and this sensitivity affects who we choose as a partner. We seek someone who will be gentle with us and deal with conflict fairly and constructively. Tension, constant arguing, criticism and passive-aggressive behaviours will quickly sour the relationship for us.
2. Someone who holds emotional space for us.
Because of our sensitive nature, we INFJs literally absorb other people's emotions at time. This means we internalise a lot of emotional "garbage", so to speak. One of our greatest strengths is meeting other people's emotional needs. Joel Mark Witt, who owns Personality Hacker with Dodge, calls this "holding emotional space" for others.
Because we hold emotional space for other people, we seek someone who will return the favour -- someone who will give back to us emotionally by listening, empathising and letting us unpack the day's emotional crud.
3. Someone who nourished us with intuitive conversation.
As dominant Intuitives, we INFJs have a strong need for deep conversation about ideas and possibilities. Simply talking about the day's events or the weather isn't enough for us. Intuitive conversation is like food for INFJs and we need to be nourished by it regularly. If our partner can't fulfill that need, we'll go looking for fulfillment somewhere else.
4. Someone who connects with us on a deeper level.
Of all the personality types, INFJs may have the greatest capacity for creating intimacy with others. This is because our Introverted Intuition function allows us to see other people's perspectives, and our Extroverted Feeling function puts other people's emotions on our radar all the time.
We want to be intimately acquainted with our partner's innermost thoughts and feelings. A simple give-and-take relationship just doesn't cut it for INFJs.
5. Someone who respects our independent nature and need for occasional solitude.
We can be mistaken for extroverts because we care so much about other people, but we INFJs truly are introverts. And being introverted means we need plenty of time alone. "We don't do well with partners who are extremely needy or clingy".
Solitude allows us to decompress, process the day's events, and clear the "emotional cache" of feelings we've absorbed throughout the day. It also helps us recentre and focus on our own feelings, because when we're with other people, we're mostly focused on how they feel.
6. Someone who makes an effort to "get" us.
As INFJs, we're complicated, complex human beings. We may never fully understand ourselves, and often we do or say things that surprise us! Our partner may never completely understand us, but what matters is that our partner makes an effort.
"INFJs often grow up feeling misunderstood and under-appreciated for the gifts that they have to offer, so we value partners who truly appreciate us and make an effort to understand us."
2. INFJ and Embracing Our Flaws
A huge part of personal growth is coming to terms with how your naturally function and embracing your true self. Of course, there is always room for growth and improvement in any personality type. But what may seem like a flaw is actually a useful tool when it is nurtured properly.
INFJs can be perfectionists.
One adjective that stands out amongst all of the adjectives to describe an INFJ is "perfectionist". Yes, I am a perfectionist. Now, I am not a perfectionist about everything, but I do have unique situations when the perfectionist part of me comes out.
For instance, I feel like I cannot function in the morning if I do not make my bed. Who cares if the bed is made? I do. Some people may double check their work, but I will triple check it. It can get a little ridiculous and it can strain my eyesight, but I cannot help it.
With that said, INFJs can be pretty relaxed about most things, because we love observing other people's behaviours, but we do have our moments of correcting and situating things to be "just right".
We have high standards for ourselves and others.
While we expect much from other, we also expect a lot from ourselves. I am my own worst critic. I strive to be and do more everyday. This is not to say I think I am not enough, but I like to push myself to be better.
I have been told that I "expect too much" from people, which is the truth. Hello, INFJs are idealists -- we want the ideal.
We are also realists (in some magical way we can be both), so we are aware that our expectations are high. We get it.
Relationships can be tough for us as well, because we have the ideal relationship already built up in our head. We know what we want. However, our realistic sensibility allows us to love people exactly as they are -- flaws and all.
Our intuitive abilities are unexplainable.
Introverted Intuition is our dominant function, and you will hear the INFJ say, "I don't know how I know...I just do." When we say that, just trust us, because even what we "know", is hard to be put into words. It will come out wrong, someone will misunderstand. We don't know what exactly it is that we "know", but just trust in the gut feeling.
We are highly in-tune with our feelings and go with what our gut tells us. This can lead to some stubbornness if others try to persuade or suggest things that do not align with our inner value system. I am often told I shut down others' ideas when I had no intention of doing so. I get stuck on one idea, because it's what feels right to me, but I have learned to let go a little and let other people share their insight with me.
We value our privacy.
INFJs are typically difficult to get to know on a deeper level, not because we won't go there, but because we won't go there with just anybody. It takes a long time for us to trust someone fully.
We make the people close to us our top priority and cherish our time with them so greatly that we do not feel the need to share it with everyone else. And sometimes we need things just for us to keep.
With that said, we can come across as aloof or standoffish to others. We are highly protective of our inner world and it takes the Jaws of Life to take our guard down. When we do finally open up, it's because we have found someone who speaks to our sensitive souls.
Sometimes we slam the door.
The worst part of opening up so rarely is that whenever someone hurts us too much, we tend to shut them out of our lives. This is often referred to as the "INFJ Door Slam". I have done it myself on a couple of occasions.
To people who may not know us well, we seem incredibly callous and cruel to shut someone off from us in what seems like a short amount of time. The truth is, we are capable of forgiving, but when we are pushed to a certain point of pain, we shut off. We shut down. We can't do it anymore. It takes a long time for us to bounce back from that pain. My suggestion to any INFJs that find themselves in this situation is take your time, but at some point, you must forgive.
We're wanderers who live inside our heads.
This is why it is difficult for us to verbalise all the things we think about because our thoughts live in an abstract setting. Socialising in large groups can be a bit difficult for us, because we have no interest in capturing everyone's attention. We want one-on-one time, and we want it to be quality time.
Although we love people and getting to know them, we also drift away for a while. I often joke that I am a wanderer. Whether I am wandering around in my mind or in the physical world, I have no problem going off on my own.
INFJs are lone wolves. We like to hide away for periods of time, but do not be alarmed. If we love you, we always come back.
3. An Open Letter to INFJs
Dear fellow INFJ,
Considering we are the rarest of the 16 personality types, I feel it is important we connect and communicate as much as possible. We are complex people, to say the very least. Of course everyone is complex, but the INFJ personality adds extra layers of complexity that are not so easily seen by an outsider.
We appear reserved and calm on the surface, when in fact, we have deeply chaotic and rich inner worlds. We rarely show these worlds to other people. We are fiercely guarded individuals, and ti can take years for someone to get to know us.
Others may not understand why we like to plan things out or why we do not like things to change spontaneously. Our outer world must remain orderly because our moods are up and down and everywhere.
It is not easy being an INFJ in our modern reality. We are deeply sensitive and empathetic. I am sure you have been told many times to grow a thicker skin, to toughen up, that you're too sensitive, etc. I honestly used to think there was something wrong with me. I cry about things. I feel other people's emotions as if they are my own. I can sense someone's energy to the point that I can either cry with them or keep it together because they need someone to be strong for them.
I am sure you know exactly what I mean by sensing someone's energy. We are highly in tune with everyone and everything around us. We walk into an environment and the energy affects our mood greatly. We are exposed, raw nerves in a world that often tries to callous us.
We are natural counsellors, so people trust us with their feelings. I know that this happens to me frequently and it leaves me wanting to be able to share my feelings with someone. When we do finally trust someone enough with our sensitive souls, it feels like a release. There is nothing more comforting than feeling understood.
However, this can leave us particularly vulnerable when these people leave our lives for one reason or another. I know that I am guarded, but I try my hardest to let people somewhat into my inner life. There are few things more painful than feeling lonely.
The main reason why I am passionate about sharing my perspective as an INFJ is that I want other people, INFJ or not, to know they are never alone. INFJs are often mistaken for extroverts because we genuinely love getting to know people.
I think it is not only helpful, but I daresay crucial, that we take time to recognise that our differences are what help maintain balance in the world. It may seem like the world tries to change us to fit in better, but maybe the world could use a little more of what we have. We are naturally warm and nurturing.
We can never explain why we care so much about everyone's well-being. We live to help others without expecting something in return.
So, my sweet INFJs, you were born with hearts of gold. It may seem like the world doesn't understand you. Perhaps it doesn't. Our authenticity is rare. We should not be so hard on ourselves. It takes courage to be sensitive and kind.
My advice to you (INFJs love to give advice) is to remain gentle and caring for those around you. It is difficult to care and give as much as you do. Learn to heal your wounds. Learn to care for yourself the way you care for others. You already know how to speak kindly to others. Speak kind words to yourself. Let the emotional scar tissue remind you that you have fought for your strength.
Your quiet, kind strength will bring comfort to people in ways you cannot imagine. People will rely on you, which is what our personality type thrives on.
Life is never going to be easy for us, but life is never easy for anyone. As INFJs, the best thing we can do is try to make life a little easier for everyone else.
4. How the Fe Works in INFJ vs ExFJ
What is Fe? It's a function that orients us outwardly toward other people. Fe takes in information about other people's body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, allowing us to "read" and understand their emotions.
Fe works in combination with our inferior function, Extroverted Sensing (Se). Se is aware of our physical environment and orients us to the here and now. So Fe and Se scan our environment and take in information about people (i.e. their emotions and states of mind) that are present in the here and now.
We process those emotions internally, which can lead us to feel overwhelmed at times. We have a relative lack of an introverted judging function to scale emotions down to size, so sometimes we lose perspective and emotions feel bigger than they really should for the given situation. Many INFJs are also highly sensitive people and are "more easily overwhelmed" because they "notice" everything.
Fe is the dominant function for the ENFJ and ESFJ, so why aren't they overloaded by other people's emotions even more than INFJs are? The answer is that as extroverts, they process their emotions in the outer world, so they are less likely to internalise other people's negative feelings. They actively do something to deal with their feelings. They might try to cheer up their depressed friend, solve a friend's problem, or simply remove themselves entirely from the situation causing the negative feelings. Meanwhile, INFJs internalise such feelings and go into "brooding".
5. Confessions of an INFJ
a) I want to be alone 75% of the time.
b) I think the things most people talk about are boring. I'm always testing people to see if I can talk to them about the things that really matter to me (usually I can't).
c) I'd rather have on person in my life who gets me than dozens of people who just know me.
d) I know my friends better than they know themselves (but I can't tell them that).
e) Sometimes I wish I could disappear. But not forever, just for a little while.
f) I'm a perfectionist and I obsess over little things, like how the decorations in my room look or what clothes I should wear. I spend more time on projects than I let on to other people.
g) If I just had a little more time, I think I could figure everything out.
h) I don't have a lot of fun just hanging out.
i) I'd rather use conversation to talk to someone about their true thoughts and feelings (but this doesn't happen at group dinners or parties, so I avoid these things).
j) I love going to a movie/concert/museum with someone who is just as quietly absorbed in it as I am (I'm always looking for that person, but I rarely find them).
k) I get depressed when no one seems to get me. I get depressed when it hasn't been sunny for days. I get depressed a lot.
l) I worry that I'm wasting my time and abilities.
m) I wish everyone could just be quiet for a little while without being awkward about it.
n) I wish I could be an extrovert sometimes, because their lives seem easier. ENFJ? ENFP? Both will do.
o) I feel really bad when someone asks me to hang out and I turn them down. I can tell I'm hurt them and that hurts me.
p) I have to be at the top of my game when I socialise or go to work (not sick or sleep-deprived, and comfortable), otherwise those things are painfully exhausting for me.
q) I enjoy things more in retrospect than I do in the present moment. I look forward to things I'm planning, but when they actually arrive, I'm thinking about the next thing.
r) Things never turn out as good as I see them in my head.
I have my answer now and once again, it is the answer that I expected myself to give.
I am an INFJ and that's both a blessing and a curse, but I will accept the curse if it does not subvert the blessing. INFJs are, perhaps destined, to be caught in one-sided relationships. To love and not be loved back equally is something that should not bother me, unless I'm being uncharacteristically selfish. I think to be able to love someone and not expect that love to be returned is the ideal, but I'm an incompetent INFJ and almost bowed to self-preservation.
I do not regret feeling emotions this intensely because it is only my incompetence that hurts me. In reality, to be able to feel emotions intensely is a gift. To be able to love and love with such depth is a beautiful and precious phenomenon and I do hope that one day, everyone will be able to experience it, but of course, to have it returned in the same intensity. Hormones and the natural pain of the situation be damned. It is an honour, indeed, to understand the feeling, or part of the feeling, of unconditional love at such a young age. Some people go through their entire lives not understanding that kind of...what's it called? Agape.
I will bite back the pain because that pain will only result in terrible consequences. I will wish that I can find in myself the strength to make way for the positives of being an INFJ, instead of giving in to the human need for preservation. After all, I take inspiration from Naruto, who is an ENFP. After the Sasuke Retrieval Arc in which Naruto and Sasuke fought, the latter rejecting any form of friendship left between, Jiraiya advises Naruto to let go of Sasuke.
Jiraiya: Give up on Sasuke. If you want to live as a Shinobi, you need to be wise. If you remain a fool, living a life of pain will be your reality.
Naruto: If that's what it means to be wise, I'd rather live my life as a fool!
Well said, Naruto, well said. I have caused enough pain in my outburst and it took indulging my Se function to snap me back into character. After all, is it not the ideal for an INFJ? To be willing to love even after rejection. That's an ideal.
And now I'm watching Pain's conversation with Naruto so I guess I'll end here and listen to his profound speech.
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