I Saw a Steamroller Coming and I Stood in Front of It

     Call it INFJ precognition or psychic abilities, but I had foreseen everything. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew what the answer was before the question was even asked. I knew how badly I would react. If I were an INTJ, I wouldn't have gotten myself in this situation, but alas, I am an INFJ. Too idealistic, too hopeful. Having too much faith in something that I knew was impossible. Really, why am I an INFJ? ISFJs are wiser and more pragmatic. INTJs wouldn't even get into such trouble.

     It's pretty hilarious how my whole reaction was very controlled, in a very twisted manner. Maybe it's the xNFJ's far-sightedness. I was more concerned with how well I can conceal my act and how much of it can just be passed off as an incident. Also, I was worrying about how much it's going to hurt in the shower. It's the INFJ disassociation thing where my thoughts, my emotions and my body became 3 separate entities.

     How do I feel now? I feel like I'm hanging at the edge of the cliff. I don't know if I want to pull myself up. I know very well that if I don't get everything under control, probably under another huge layer of lies I'm going to tell myself, something will have to give way. Right now, it seems like it's between my sanity, my personality, and my existence.

     The sanity part will come if I choose to do absolutely nothing and let myself get overwhelmed. I think that's the least likely of the three because doing nothing means being a burden and not trying to not be one. The personality part, I stubbornly refuse to change. It should be absolutely easy for me to over-develop my Ti, because it is already quite developed as a result of my upbringing. But even with everything that has happened, with how much I hate being who I am, I think it's not the personality type that's the problem, but my own incompetence as an INFJ. I would rather die than become a selfish person.

     But suicide is not an easy thing to accomplish. It's not the act of committing it, since I already have a plan drawn out and I know the chances of success. It's that I have made too many ties with people around me and it defeats the purpose of suicide if the last thing I do in my life is to, once again, burden others. If I just kill myself like that, it will cause sadness, disappointment, hatred, guilt, and stuff like that. I could always cut my ties, but I can't right now. A few of these ties are still providing sustenance to people I'm not about to just abandon like that. I have sworn to protect them and to counsel them, and those are promises I intend to keep.

     I want to go through this blog called "Introvert, Dear" ran by a fellow INFJ who initially began this blog as a method for self-development. I believe it is through rationalising my thoughts, by allowing my Ti to take over for a while and taking the advice of an understanding stranger, that I will come to be able to make my decision. There is little I can do with the situation, but there is a lot of personal decision-making I have to do. What I intend to do from now on, how I'm going to act, etc etc.

1. INFJ and Soulmates
     When it comes to love and relationships, we INFJs don't want to be with just anyone.

     As introverts, we're independent, and as INFJs, we're perfectionists. A lot of us would rather be alone than date or marry someone just for the sake of having a warm body around.

     If we're acting authentically, we INFJs don't usually do casual hook-ups, one night stands, or friends with benefits. We like to dive deep, and investing in shallow, temporary relationships isn't our style.

     We want to build relationships that last a long time -- forever, if that were possible -- and myabe somehow it is for the mystical INFJ.

What qualities do INFJs seek?

1. Someone who respectfully protects our sensitive nature.
     We're more sensitive emotionally than many other personality types -- we're like a finely tuned instrument -- and this sensitivity affects who we choose as a partner. We seek someone who will be gentle with us and deal with conflict fairly and constructively. Tension, constant arguing, criticism and passive-aggressive behaviours will quickly sour the relationship for us.

2. Someone who holds emotional space for us.
     Because of our sensitive nature, we INFJs literally absorb other people's emotions at time. This means we internalise a lot of emotional "garbage", so to speak. One of our greatest strengths is meeting other people's emotional needs. Joel Mark Witt, who owns Personality Hacker with Dodge, calls this "holding emotional space" for others.

     Because we hold emotional space for other people, we seek someone who will return the favour -- someone who will give back to us emotionally by listening, empathising and letting us unpack the day's emotional crud.

3. Someone who nourished us with intuitive conversation.
     As dominant Intuitives, we INFJs have a strong need for deep conversation about ideas and possibilities. Simply talking about the day's events or the weather isn't enough for us. Intuitive conversation is like food for INFJs and we need to be nourished by it regularly. If our partner can't fulfill that need, we'll go looking for fulfillment somewhere else.

4. Someone who connects with us on a deeper level.
     Of all the personality types, INFJs may have the greatest capacity for creating intimacy with others. This is because our Introverted Intuition function allows us to see other people's perspectives, and our Extroverted Feeling function puts other people's emotions on our radar all the time.

     We want to be intimately acquainted with our partner's innermost thoughts and feelings. A simple give-and-take relationship just doesn't cut it for INFJs.

5. Someone who respects our independent nature and need for occasional solitude.
     We can be mistaken for extroverts because we care so much about other people, but we INFJs truly are introverts. And being introverted means we need plenty of time alone. "We don't do well with partners who are extremely needy or clingy".

     Solitude allows us to decompress, process the day's events, and clear the "emotional cache" of feelings we've absorbed throughout the day. It also helps us recentre and focus on our own feelings, because when we're with other people, we're mostly focused on how they feel.

6. Someone who makes an effort to "get" us.
     As INFJs, we're complicated, complex human beings. We may never fully understand ourselves, and often we do or say things that surprise us! Our partner may never completely understand us, but what matters is that our partner makes an effort.

     "INFJs often grow up feeling misunderstood and under-appreciated for the gifts that they have to offer, so we value partners who truly appreciate us and make an effort to understand us."

2. INFJ and Embracing Our Flaws
     A huge part of personal growth is coming to terms with how your naturally function and embracing your true self. Of course, there is always room for growth and improvement in any personality type. But what may seem like a flaw is actually a useful tool when it is nurtured properly.

INFJs can be perfectionists.
     One adjective that stands out amongst all of the adjectives to describe an INFJ is "perfectionist". Yes, I am a perfectionist. Now, I am not a perfectionist about everything, but I do have unique situations when the perfectionist part of me comes out.

     For instance, I feel like I cannot function in the morning if I do not make my bed. Who cares if the bed is made? I do. Some people may double check their work, but I will triple check it. It can get a little ridiculous and it can strain my eyesight, but I cannot help it.

     With that said, INFJs can be pretty relaxed about most things, because we love observing other people's behaviours, but we do have our moments of correcting and situating things to be "just right".

We have high standards for ourselves and others.
     While we expect much from other, we also expect a lot from ourselves. I am my own worst critic. I strive to be and do more everyday. This is not to say I think I am not enough, but I like to push myself to be better.

     I have been told that I "expect too much" from people, which is the truth. Hello, INFJs are idealists -- we want the ideal.

     We are also realists (in some magical way we can be both), so we are aware that our expectations are high. We get it.

     Relationships can be tough for us as well, because we have the ideal relationship already built up in our head. We know what we want. However, our realistic sensibility allows us to love people exactly as they are -- flaws and all.

Our intuitive abilities are unexplainable.
     Introverted Intuition is our dominant function, and you will hear the INFJ say, "I don't know how I know...I just do." When we say that, just trust us, because even what we "know", is hard to be put into words. It will come out wrong, someone will misunderstand. We don't know what exactly it is that we "know", but just trust in the gut feeling.

     We are highly in-tune with our feelings and go with what our gut tells us. This can lead to some stubbornness if others try to persuade or suggest things that do not align with our inner value system. I am often told I shut down others' ideas when I had no intention of doing so. I get stuck on one idea, because it's what feels right to me, but I have learned to let go a little and let other people share their insight with me.

We value our privacy.
     INFJs are typically difficult to get to know on a deeper level, not because we won't go there, but because we won't go there with just anybody. It takes a long time for us to trust someone fully.

     We make the people close to us our top priority and cherish our time with them so greatly that we do not feel the need to share it with everyone else. And sometimes we need things just for us to keep.

     With that said, we can come across as aloof or standoffish to others. We are highly protective of our inner world and it takes the Jaws of Life to take our guard down. When we do finally open up, it's because we have found someone who speaks to our sensitive souls.

Sometimes we slam the door.
     The worst part of opening up so rarely is that whenever someone hurts us too much, we tend to shut them out of our lives. This is often referred to as the "INFJ Door Slam". I have done it myself on a couple of occasions.

     To people who may not know us well, we seem incredibly callous and cruel to shut someone off from us in what seems like a short amount of time. The truth is, we are capable of forgiving, but when we are pushed to a certain point of pain, we shut off. We shut down. We can't do it anymore. It takes a long time for us to bounce back from that pain. My suggestion to any INFJs that find themselves in this situation is take your time, but at some point, you must forgive.

We're wanderers who live inside our heads.
     This is why it is difficult for us to verbalise all the things we think about because our thoughts live in an abstract setting. Socialising in large groups can be a bit difficult for us, because we have no interest in capturing everyone's attention. We want one-on-one time, and we want it to be quality time.

     Although we love people and getting to know them, we also drift away for a while. I often joke that I am a wanderer. Whether I am wandering around in my mind or in the physical world, I have no problem going off on my own.

     INFJs are lone wolves. We like to hide away for periods of time, but do not be alarmed. If we love you, we always come back.

3. An Open Letter to INFJs
Dear fellow INFJ,

     Considering we are the rarest of the 16 personality types, I feel it is important we connect and communicate as much as possible. We are complex people, to say the very least. Of course everyone is complex, but the INFJ personality adds extra layers of complexity that are not so easily seen by an outsider.

     We appear reserved and calm on the surface, when in fact, we have deeply chaotic and rich inner worlds. We rarely show these worlds to other people. We are fiercely guarded individuals, and ti can take years for someone to get to know us.

     Others may not understand why we like to plan things out or why we do not like things to change spontaneously. Our outer world must remain orderly because our moods are up and down and everywhere.

     It is not easy being an INFJ in our modern reality. We are deeply sensitive and empathetic. I am sure you have been told many times to grow a thicker skin, to toughen up, that you're too sensitive, etc. I honestly used to think there was something wrong with me. I cry about things. I feel other people's emotions as if they are my own. I can sense someone's energy to the point that I can either cry with them or keep it together because they need someone to be strong for them.

     I am sure you know exactly what I mean by sensing someone's energy. We are highly in tune with everyone and everything around us. We walk into an environment and the energy affects our mood greatly. We are exposed, raw nerves in a world that often tries to callous us.

     We are natural counsellors, so people trust us with their feelings. I know that this happens to me frequently and it leaves me wanting to be able to share my feelings with someone. When we do finally trust someone enough with our sensitive souls, it feels like a release. There is nothing more comforting than feeling understood.

     However, this can leave us particularly vulnerable when these people leave our lives for one reason or another. I know that I am guarded, but I try my hardest to let people somewhat into my inner life. There are few things more painful than feeling lonely.

     The main reason why I am passionate about sharing my perspective as an INFJ is that I want other people, INFJ or not, to know they are never alone. INFJs are often mistaken for extroverts because we genuinely love getting to know people.

     I think it is not only helpful, but I daresay crucial, that we take time to recognise that our differences are what help maintain balance in the world. It may seem like the world tries to change us to fit in better, but maybe the world could use a little more of what we have. We are naturally warm and nurturing.

     We can never explain why we care so much about everyone's well-being. We live to help others without expecting something in return.

     So, my sweet INFJs, you were born with hearts of gold. It may seem like the world doesn't understand you. Perhaps it doesn't. Our authenticity is rare. We should not be so hard on ourselves. It takes courage to be sensitive and kind.

     My advice to you (INFJs love to give advice) is to remain gentle and caring for those around you. It is difficult to care and give as much as you do. Learn to heal your wounds. Learn to care for yourself the way you care for others. You already know how to speak kindly to others. Speak kind words to yourself. Let the emotional scar tissue remind you that you have fought for your strength.

     Your quiet, kind strength will bring comfort to people in ways you cannot imagine. People will rely on you, which is what our personality type thrives on.

     Life is never going to be easy for us, but life is never easy for anyone. As INFJs, the best thing we can do is try to make life a little easier for everyone else.

4. How the Fe Works in INFJ vs ExFJ
     What is Fe? It's a function that orients us outwardly toward other people. Fe takes in information about other people's body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, allowing us to "read" and understand their emotions.

     Fe works in combination with our inferior function, Extroverted Sensing (Se). Se is aware of our physical environment and orients us to the here and now. So Fe and Se scan our environment and take in information about people (i.e. their emotions and states of mind) that are present in the here and now.

     We process those emotions internally, which can lead us to feel overwhelmed at times. We have a relative lack of an introverted judging function to scale emotions down to size, so sometimes we lose perspective and emotions feel bigger than they really should for the given situation. Many INFJs are also highly sensitive people and are "more easily overwhelmed" because they "notice" everything.

     Fe is the dominant function for the ENFJ and ESFJ, so why aren't they overloaded by other people's emotions even more than INFJs are? The answer is that as extroverts, they process their emotions in the outer world, so they are less likely to internalise other people's negative feelings. They actively do something to deal with their feelings. They might try to cheer up their depressed friend, solve a friend's problem, or simply remove themselves entirely from the situation causing the negative feelings. Meanwhile, INFJs internalise such feelings and go into "brooding".

5. Confessions of an INFJ
a) I want to be alone 75% of the time.
b) I think the things most people talk about are boring. I'm always testing people to see if I can talk to them about the things that really matter to me (usually I can't).
c) I'd rather have on person in my life who gets me than dozens of people who just know me.
d) I know my friends better than they know themselves (but I can't tell them that).
e) Sometimes I wish I could disappear. But not forever, just for a little while.
f) I'm a perfectionist and I obsess over little things, like how the decorations in my room look or what clothes I should wear. I spend more time on projects than I let on to other people.
g) If I just had a little more time, I think I could figure everything out.
h) I don't have a lot of fun just hanging out.
i) I'd rather use conversation to talk to someone about their true thoughts and feelings (but this doesn't happen at group dinners or parties, so I avoid these things).
j) I love going to a movie/concert/museum with someone who is just as quietly absorbed in it as I am (I'm always looking for that person, but I rarely find them).
k) I get depressed when no one seems to get me. I get depressed when it hasn't been sunny for days. I get depressed a lot.
l) I worry that I'm wasting my time and abilities.
m) I wish everyone could just be quiet for a little while without being awkward about it.
n) I wish I could be an extrovert sometimes, because their lives seem easier. ENFJ? ENFP? Both will do.
o) I feel really bad when someone asks me to hang out and I turn them down. I can tell I'm hurt them and that hurts me.
p) I have to be at the top of my game when I socialise or go to work (not sick or sleep-deprived, and comfortable), otherwise those things are painfully exhausting for me.
q) I enjoy things more in retrospect than I do in the present moment. I look forward to things I'm planning, but when they actually arrive, I'm thinking about the next thing.
r) Things never turn out as good as I see them in my head.


     I have my answer now and once again, it is the answer that I expected myself to give.

     I am an INFJ and that's both a blessing and a curse, but I will accept the curse if it does not subvert the blessing. INFJs are, perhaps destined, to be caught in one-sided relationships. To love and not be loved back equally is something that should not bother me, unless I'm being uncharacteristically selfish. I think to be able to love someone and not expect that love to be returned is the ideal, but I'm an incompetent INFJ and almost bowed to self-preservation.

     I do not regret feeling emotions this intensely because it is only my incompetence that hurts me. In reality, to be able to feel emotions intensely is a gift. To be able to love and love with such depth is a beautiful and precious phenomenon and I do hope that one day, everyone will be able to experience it, but of course, to have it returned in the same intensity. Hormones and the natural pain of the situation be damned. It is an honour, indeed, to understand the feeling, or part of the feeling, of unconditional love at such a young age. Some people go through their entire lives not understanding that kind of...what's it called? Agape.

     I will bite back the pain because that pain will only result in terrible consequences. I will wish that I can find in myself the strength to make way for the positives of being an INFJ, instead of giving in to the human need for preservation. After all, I take inspiration from Naruto, who is an ENFP. After the Sasuke Retrieval Arc in which Naruto and Sasuke fought, the latter rejecting any form of friendship left between, Jiraiya advises Naruto to let go of Sasuke.

Jiraiya: Give up on Sasuke. If you want to live as a Shinobi, you need to be wise. If you remain a fool, living a life of pain will be your reality.
Naruto: If that's what it means to be wise, I'd rather live my life as a fool!

     Well said, Naruto, well said. I have caused enough pain in my outburst and it took indulging my Se function to snap me back into character. After all, is it not the ideal for an INFJ? To be willing to love even after rejection. That's an ideal.

     And now I'm watching Pain's conversation with Naruto so I guess I'll end here and listen to his profound speech.

And I'm Back to Singing the Same Tunes Again

     I can't even bring myself to blame anything on anyone else but myself. I could if I wanted to, but I will know, deep inside, that it is ultimately my own stupidity and inability to leave things in the past that has brought me back to this very unpleasant "square one" situation. This has happened several times already and every single time, I get hurt the exact same way. I'm an INFJ, and I should know better than try to converse with someone who doesn't give replies. INFJs hate it when it feels like they aren't being heard or someone doesn't care about their feelings, and I just keep getting myself in the same exact situations where I get hurt.
   

     I hate to pester people and I always feel like when I request for someone's company, I am being very needy and clingy. The shitty thing is that I let myself be manipulated into feeling bad about myself. I don't even think it's a conscious manipulation, because it is inherent in that type's personality and is quite unavoidable for them. I let myself, again and again, believe in something that can never be and it makes me feel utterly foolish every single time.

     It is the downfall of everything NF - the inability to detach themselves completely from emotions, the ability to be hurt way too easily by others and ultimately, the inability to move on and leave the past behind. 

     The intuitive ability of all NFs is supposed to help in preventing hurt, but there's either something wrong with me or with other people.

     They say that INFJs are never wrong and I can account for that. In all my years of living this life, I have never had a single prediction go wrong. They are either proven right, or not proven at all. What INFJs lack is the openness and the extroversion to go out there and find out whether a prediction is correct. In fact, I find that to be intrusive. INFJs do not predict events, per se, but how people would react to events. One of the more trivial things that we never predict wrongly is who has a crush on who, however, this isn't always proven right because people naturally deceive themselves.

     The most terrible thing about this ability to predict is when the prediction becomes personal, you start doubting your own intuition. You can't differentiate between your own fantasies, so loud in your head, and intuition. At the back of our INFJ minds, the answer is always there and we can hear it, but when it is inconsistent with the outer world, then the level of doubt deepens.

     My intuition tells me that the feeling is mutual, but I cannot help but suspect that that's not my intuition, but my idealism. It's weird, because even when I separate myself from my emotions, the same notion is there - "The feeling is mutual." But the outer world is drastically inconsistent with the prediction and it's starting to make me feel as if I'm going mad and my intuition is becoming faulty. I've never been wrong before. People always deny my predictions, because they tend to go a little too deep for people to be comfortable with, but they are almost always proven right at the end. The few prediction that haven't been proven right are mostly my reading of people that go much deeper than they like, so much so that I don't want to question them in fear of intrusion. We'll leave that part to our extroverted counterparts. 

     But just because I've never been wrong before, doesn't mean I can never be wrong. I will blame that kind of doubt on Philosophy lessons taken over the 4 years of my Secondary school life. It's called inductive reasoning, I believe. The most typical example we used is the rising of the sun. For as long as humankind can remember, the sun always rises in the East and sets in the West. We then assume that the sun will always do that. But inductive reasoning can be flawed and in essence, it is just an extrapolation of data.

     The graph above explains what extrapolation is. You basically take a bunch of data you have collected to predict the future. So just because the sun has risen in the East and set in the West for the past millenniums does not mean that we can assume it always does that. Bringing down to a simpler example...if you have a carton of a dozen eggs and you take out 11 eggs for testing, you cannot assume that just because 11 of those eggs are fresh that the last egg is also fresh.

      Basically, what I'm trying to say is that just because INFJs are never wrong with their predictions and I've never been wrong with my predictions, doesn't mean that I can never be wrong. It doesn't mean that the notion of "the feeling is mutual" is a correct prediction because it can be the one testing that proves the hypothesis wrong. This is what Hypothesis Testing in Maths meant when they said "you can only prove a null hypothesis wrong, but you cannot prove it right".

      What angers me most is that I have danced this dance so many times already, in the same exact manner. Just when I suddenly think that we are ready for pleasant and constant conversations, he falls absolutely silent and it hurts my feelings. I know he doesn't intend to, but doesn't mean it hurts any less. This whole thing about intent and consequences again and since I have nothing better to do, I'll argue that out again.

     I have once expressed my opinion that just because someone's intention was good does not justify the consequences. Take for example, the situation I keep reading in my Cherik fanfictions. Twice Erik has hurt Charles, once with a bullet through his spine and the other by dropping a whole stadium on him. It is canon that Erik never meant to hurt him, but it has hurt Charles all the same. Charles can forgive Erik and I believe he would, but it doesn't mean that what he did was accounted for.

     Similarly, the example of my own personal experience. The act of apologising. I had once said that I don't believe in saying "sorry" for every little mistake you make because that dilutes the meaning of the word, especially since the English language has few synonyms for that expression. You could always say "I apologise sincerely", but it's too formal and once again, you say it too much and it loses its meaning.

     I believe that humans are naturally very adaptive creatures, though some personality types more than others. The more we go through the same thing, the more we begin to adapt to it. The first time you fall on your right knee, it hurts like hell, because it's the first time you felt it. You keep doing it again and again and it just feels normal and it doesn't hurt as much. The first time you get scared by a particular jump-scare and you almost shit bricks, but after a feel more times, you adapt to it. Humans are naturally adaptive creatures, which is why we are able to survive for so long.

     What does this mean? It means that the first time you hear an apology from someone, you would regard him as a polite and caring individual. But if he repeatedly uses the word "sorry" for every single little thing he does, the word soon loses its impact. And then when the time comes around when he really needs to apologise for something major, the word doesn't seem to cover for his mistakes anymore, because of word association. 

     The two opposing view of the argument revolves around whether the intention accounts for this loss of impact. The person arguing against me (it was a very, very long argument that entertained me quite a bit) told me that it doesn't matter if the impact is reduced for as long as the intention to apologise is there, the apology should be effective. I called him an idiot and expressed my belief that his assertion is inherently selfish. Let me explain that seemingly quite huge leap in logic.

     Say, for example, that I had hurt someone's feelings immensely and I'm the kind of person who apologises for every little thing on the planet. She would demand a sincere apology from me, but even if I think I am giving one, no matter how I express my regrets, the effect is loss through her association of that word when it comes from me. The word "sorry" from me is linked to minor occurrences. If I were to take the stand that it doesn't matter if she accepts my apology or not as long as I know it is sincere, I would be extremely selfish.

     Why would I say so? Just ask yourself some question. Do you apologise to someone to make yourself feel better? Or do you apologise to someone to express regret or repentance for something you have done to him/her?

     If your answer is the former, you need to go contemplate life. Because if you are apologising to someone so that you feel less guilty, then you are already a selfish person and there's no argument about that. What is selfish about the intention argument is that even if you sincerely feel apologetic about something but cannot communicate it to the other person, then you are just alleviating your own guilt and not offering repentance to the other person. Apologies are said to apologise to another person, not to yourself.

     Bringing it back to the topic. Just because he doesn't intend to hurt me with his extreme level of ignorance, does not mean that I'm not hurt. I can certainly try to understand him, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurt. I can certainly pretend there's nothing wrong, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurt.

     The problem with all this is that this exact situation happened so many times already. So much so that now, I can no longer blame anything on him...not that I did before. 

      I mean, look at that. Whenever anything happens, the first MBTI type to go into self-bashing and feeling guilty as hell is the INFJ. Like if you think ENFJs are bad, because their guilt is bleeding through their extroversion and basically flooding everything nearby, imagine INFJs. Our guilt is hidden in our introversion and killing us from inside-out. It thus also makes more sense why the introverts are generally more likely to feel guilty than the extroverts. The extroverts just bleed their emotions everywhere and then deny it to all the intuitive types and we are just like...dude, I can see it.

      If only I were an ST. I would be able to detach myself entirely from my emotions and move on. I would be able to live in the moment and forget the past. I won't even be able to see under other people's exteriors! Imagine that! Must be a great life they live.

     I've come to dislike my ability to predict things. People are self-deceptive and they will deny everything if it avoids complications. I can see it so clearly yet with their self-deceptions, I often feel like I'm the only one in the world seeing things that aren't there and I keep feeling as if I'm crazy until I'm eventually proven right.

     INFJs are not crazy. We are not thinking too much. If you think we are thinking too much, then you are just thinking too little. Only a fellow INFJ can understand the hurt of another INFJ, but other personality types come close. Specifically, our NF buddies - ENFJ, INFP and ENFP. But when these types are in denial, we just feel crazy. Mad. Am I seeing things? Am I going crazy? We just keep asking ourselves that until eventually...Nope. They were just denying things too much.

     And...really, it doesn't help that I'm an INFJ trying to deal with the most painful to deal with types in the world when it comes to these things. They are both especially difficult to read and constantly in denial about everything. Like I think I know what they are feeling, but they don't even know it themselves and I just can't validate anything.

     And then meanwhile, I'm an INFJ here like...

     I really wonder, is an ENFJ's mask stronger or an INFJ's ability to read stronger? Is the ENFJ better at hiding or the INFJ better at seeking?

     I just really want to slap myself. Because even with my INFJ tendencies and my ability to read people, logic should tell me that if someone wants to just deny something for the rest of eternity, then leave them to it. If they don't want you to see something, then just pretend you didn't see it, because INFJs cannot not see it, they can only pretend they didn't.

And seriously, this is hilarious. I literally saw this the day before we went through that particular poem. The sun is hot on my neck as I observe/The spikes of the crocus. - Edna St. Vincent Millay

Just Ranting about a Variety of Topics #1

     I'm surprised at how far I've managed to go with this blog without one of these posts. Most of the time, my inspiration to blog comes from a variety of sources and a huge range of topics, making it exceedingly difficult to find a specific area to discuss. Today, I've decided not to truncate my ideas and focus on specific areas, but rather, to rant as much as I need until I stop feeling as if my brain was going to explode from containing too many things.

     I just got into an argument with my mom regarding bone marrow donation. I saw it coming from a mile away, because I know that she has a very different way of looking at the world. She's an ISTP and I'm an INFJ, so just by looking at our MBTI, it's quite obvious that we would be in conflict over such a issue. If I discuss this with my dad, an INTP, I'm sure I'll get an even worse response.

     I think that the entire notion of self-sacrifice is lost on INTPs and ISTPs. They see it as an utterly foolish and idealistic belief and I can't deny the latter. I mean, it was Lady Windermere who said that "Life is a sacrament; it's ideal is love, it's purification is sacrifice." Sounds utterly religious to me, but despite all the mockery I have for religions in general, sacrifice is something I believe in. Although, I think sacrifice needs to be purposeful and full of good intentions and not rash. You sacrifice yourself knowing that the sacrifice would improve the life of another and compromise the happiness of those who care for you. You don't go sacrificing yourself for lost causes. 

     Anyway, just looking at the table, you can tell that NTs and STs are both logical types, to whom cost and benefit to the self is the priority. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. I mean, if humans were not self-preservative, the entire species would have died out by now. In fact, if the human species were made up of just ENFJs and INFJs, we would be extinct within the first 5 generations. ENFJs and their lack of self-awareness and INFJs and their complete lack of situation-awareness. That's one reason why INFJs are easily scared by jump scares. We just aren't that observant about the material world.

     The two opposing beliefs in this case would be 1. prioritising the self before caring for others, and 2. caring for others as a way of preserving the self. I can understand where my mom is coming from, but I don't think she can understand my point-of-view. It's not surprising. Ns can understand S, but not the other way round. I can understand the need to be self-sufficient first before spending effort on others. However, for most NFs, one of our basic necessities in life is to feel important to others, not in the attention-seeking way.

     This is especially true for ENFJ and INFJ and our SF counterparts, ESFJ and ISFJ. Let's ignore how miraculous it is that I know one person from each of the mentioned types. What differentiates these 4 types is the presence of the Extroverted Feeling (Fe) function in our dominant or auxiliary functions. For ENFJ and ESFJ, Fe is dominant while for INFJ and ISFJ, it is auxiliary.

     While people do argue about whether the Fe function is more sacrificing than the Fi function, I will take a stand right here and declare that it is the former. The most important differentiation comes from understanding the differences between INFP and INFJ, with Dominant Function Fi and Auxiliary Function Fe respectively.

     From a simple glance through the table, you can see that INFPs tend to be more introverted on the scale of introversion than INFJs. Particularly in the fourth row, INFJs are said to be people who "serve others to get to own needs met", meaning that we derive happiness and satisfaction from counselling and helping others. INFJs are people who "honour own experience to honour others", meaning that they believe that whatever makes them happy in a certain situation will make another person happy in a similar situation. INFPs are also more inspirational while INFJs are more insightful.

     This proves that Fe types are more focused towards producing happiness in the outer world. This is more apparent in ENFJs, but I've not done adequate research on ENFJ and ENFP to prove anything. Since INFJs are just ENFJs with more perceptiveness and less people skills, we do just as well in the comparison.

     Where do ISTP and INTP stand in all this? ISTP and INTP are people who look after their interests first and I can see that very clearly in my parents. As a child, I wanted to be a vet to end the suffering of animals. Then I wanted to be a psychologist, to soothe the mental states of patients. It's funny how while they acknowledge such sentiments, all it comes down to in our discussions is "Well, these are very profitable professions and you can probably support yourself."

     I'm sorry if I don't really care if I don't earn that much. As long as I can earn enough to allow myself to continue in the said career, I'm fine. So as long as I can continue to help whoever or whatever I'm trying to help, then I have no problems with the salary.

     The whole bone marrow issue was like that too. My mom was outraged because she thought it was ridiculous that I would be willing to sacrifice myself for a completely stranger. Well, firstly, the chances of the extraction going wrong is quite slim, though not as slim as blood donation. Secondly, I think it is a great cause. If I die from doing the extraction, it's probably going to be more meaningful than my entire life anyway.

     Not only underground are the brains of men/Eaten by maggots./Life in itself/Is nothing/An empty cup, a flight of uncarpeted stairs.

     It makes sense, no matter how nihilistic the poet may seem, to me. Of course, without the help of  a Literature teacher, I can only end at "I share her sentiments", but with her guidance, I've learnt to better explain what exactly I agree with. The poet expresses how at least in death a dead person can provide sustenance to another living creature, but while living, life is purposeless. 

     That's what I mean. It makes perfect sense to me to risk sacrifice in order to save the life of another, because it's one chance I actually get to do something meaningful with my life. And all I have to do is sit in a hospital bed and allow some needles to poke me? It's a wonderful idea to me. Does it matter that it's a stranger? Definitely not! How can you measure the value of another person's life? To me, it is absolutely selfish to say that just because someone is a stranger, he is not worth saving.

     I sound like I'm preaching here. INFJs are supposed to be great at religious work...if I have one to speak of. I call it my "Religion of Humanity", obtained from Silas Marner. I don't need an institutionalised religion to impart to me values that I gain from simply experiencing life. I've said before, forgiveness, sacrifice, and all that stuff are things I have learnt from going through life, I don't need a religion to preach me such ideas. With my personality too, the more you preach to me ideas without giving me hands-on experience, the more I'm inclined to disbelieve anyway.

     But I will do what I intend to do. There is no guarantee that my life is going to be purposeful, because there is no guarantee that I'll ever be able to serve in a career where I'm actively helping others. This is one opportunity to guarantee that, for at least one time, I made someone's life better (completely discounting the 6 people who I talked out of suicide, because they were friends and there's a little bit of selfishness involved because of friendship). I just hope that my mom can understand that this is what is important to me. I don't care for living a long and comfortable life if I'm not going to do anything productive with it.

And I Might Not Even Regret It (Optimists Advised Against Reading)

     "Seriously, why don't you ever do your homework?"

     I don't see the big fuss, really. It makes me want to burst out in hysterical laughter every time someone criticises me about not doing my work, or even more, panic about work. How fortunate your life must be if homework is somehow the biggest thing in your life. Get my priorities straight? I'm sorry, but do you know what my priorities are? I would very much like a life where homework is the main thing that bothers me, not a torrent of suicidal thoughts and self-criticism. I would very much appreciate it if I can just do my homework with my mind in peace.

     I don't understand it. Am I mentally ill? I'll never know. Is my life just that screwed up? Probably not, I definitely can find someone whose life is more screwed up than mine. So the first one it is then.

     Do you think I don't want to do my homework? Even if it's pointless, I'd rather deal with that than trying to curb the kind of turbulence that comes out of nowhere in my own head. And what's more painful is that because it's all in my head, nobody sees it. I'm just lazy and don't give a shit about my future. Naive, childish, immature. Is that it?

     There was that one lesson during class when our teacher asked about stress. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry. Am I just that screwed up? School work. SCHOOL WORK. School work stresses you out! My friend, you don't know what stress is then. You have never come close enough to the edge of your sanity to feel more stress than something so utterly superficial.

     I know that everyone has different experiences in life and I can't blame another person for not feeling the kind of stress I do. In fact, I glad that not everyone goes through this kind of shit, because that would make this a really screwed up world. But how can I be so utterly merciful to these people, whose very talk of their own "stress" feels like mockery?

     It's not just family problems, because I have known for a long time that there's probably something wrong with me as well. But I'll never find out. Why? Because there's enough shit going on in the family without me creating more. Let the façade of a cheerful, talented and painfully idealistic daughter continue! I have visited a psychiatrist 2 years ago, without my parents' knowledge of course, and indeed, there is something wrong with me. Am I going to find out exactly what? Nope.

     Bipolarity II, characterised by episodes of elevated mood and periods of depression. I'm an optimistic person? Sure, I can be, during periods of "mania", clinically indicated by abnormally happy, energetic and irritable moods. Am I quiet and brooding? Yeah, because there's also the depression, which is the most painful to deal with.

     It's a miracle, even to me, how I can wake up in the morning wishing I'd never done so and then laugh in school like everything in the world is fine. Every single morning, I wish I had somehow not woken up, that somehow I managed to die in my sleep. That's too easy, isn't it? And then I swallow whatever dark feelings inside me, which I can't identify as anything but just pain, and let it simmer and boil until it bursts into mania. Then I laugh in school, let my friends make jokes at me, make jokes with them. It's a screwed up life I'm living and it's never going to change.

     There have been times, for a brief few months, when the switch between mania and depression becomes less radical, but now, it's stronger again. It's a blindfold I put on myself, I know, but now that it's off, I can't ever wear it again without knowing that I'm being blindfolded.

     It's the loneliness, I know, because it was strongest 2 years ago, when I found myself utterly isolated from my old class. My situation back then is why I find Mrs Warren such an easy person to sympathise with. I've tried to not form a clique, I tried getting along with everyone. For once, I tried to do the "right thing". What I got was isolation from everyone, because my class was that kind of clique-ish class where everyone clearly belonged to some group. I didn't. It's just one of the many times I try to do something properly and it just doesn't turn out right.

     Loneliness. It doesn't come from the lack of company, but the lack of good company. You can be surrounded by people, but still feel the distance between you and them as if there were rifts. I surround myself with close friends now, but I don't feel it...the connection...the sense that I belong. What defines good company? Someone you know that you can tell things to and they will understand, they will not judge. They may not agree, but they will understand. No such person exists in my life and in that, my loneliness.

      Even when I share about my family problems, I know that everyone has their own take on the problem and how it should be treated. Once again, I am the one who is different. Ignore it? I can't, they are family. A family problem that could be resolved if both parties were willing to listen, to sit down and talk, and find it in themselves to forgive and leave the past behind them. I can't even get them to sit together and talk. I want to just leave the house, but I don't feel comfortable just running away. I want to help, but I have no capacity to do so. It would probably have been solved if it wasn't me trying to solve it. I've always been known to cause more trouble than there was already.

     It's not like I have not put a blade to my own skin before, but in that moment of stupidity, I realised that the true stupidity is in that action. The pain is quite relieving, like it has been said to be, simply because the rest of your body is so numb from an unidentifiable pain that the blood that is drawn feels comfortingly familiar. Yet, it is so temporary and such a fatal mistake that it rarely solves anything. If it is found, which it has not been, it causes more trouble than is worth.

     The title of this post "And I might not even regret it". You should be able to guess what "it" is. Suicide? Self-harm? Anything along those lines are appropriate answers. I keep clinging onto life with all these selfish assumptions on mine, but really, when I tear apart this debate in my head, I realise that suicide is actually the best idea.

     And this makes me laugh. I have talked a total of 6 people out of suicide in my 19 years alive, 2 of which on the night before they could do it. Yet, when it comes down to me, I can't talk myself out of it. I'm not persuasive enough for myself.

     I keep thinking that I cannot die, because people will be upset. Really? How important do I think I am? I'm sure everyone will be fine without me. I'm sure people will just carry on with their lives. This argument works on other people, but I know my own insignificance. I know that how important I feel to another person is just speculation, tainted by the human need to feel needed. I know that, in the end, if I choose to kill myself, people can and will get over it. It's not like I'm this great researcher whose amazing discovery will be terminated if I died. I'm rather insignificant.

     I keep telling myself that I'm still needed. Not really. Sure, my sister is too young to take care of my mom right now, but there will come a day when she is old enough. What, do I die then? What's the difference? My mom has shown that she is clearly able to seek help by herself, what am I needed for?

     Cost benefit analysis, done on a person's life. This is how coldly I treat my own existence when it comes to moments like this.

     What is the purpose of life? I still hold on to my previous beliefs, but what has changed, is that I recognise that I may be the worst person for the job. Make the world a better place? Please, as if I could do that. I can't even make myself stop these depressive thoughts, what makes me think I can make the world a less depressive place? The job should be left to an optimist, not me.

     Yet, I'll probably never do it...kill myself that is. I haven't found a good way to ensure I don't screw up. It is me, after all, I'll probably screw it up and become a bigger burden I already am. The numerous times I joke about being a burden...it's not a joke when it's about me. It's honestly how I view myself. I take up resources that are so scarce, yet I'm being utterly useless and will continue being so because a mentally screwed up person like me probably can't do anything anyway.

     If I jump from a building, I'll probably come close to dying but end up becoming a vegetable or become crippled. When a miracle chooses to happen, it's going to happen on a jump which should by right take my life. If I drown myself, I need a heavy weight...how the hell am I supposed to get that without assistance. If the thing is heavy enough to drag me down, I sure ain't strong enough to lug it to a pool of water. If I cut myself, I'll probably miss an artery, end up in the ER, but then fail to die and cause more worry to the family. If I eat painkillers in large amounts, I may get indigestion, but I won't die because an inconvenient miracle happened again. See, I've thought about it all, it's just that I can't figure out how to do it properly.

     And you ask me if I feel bad about not doing my homework? My dear friend, please treasure the kind of peace you possess in your mind that I'll never find in mine. Rejoice in the silence and concentration your mind can pull off while doing homework. I certainly can concentrate, but after that 1 hour, the depression hits even harder because I've tried to suppress it. The family is rowdy, the atmosphere is worse, but the worst of all is having to live with my own mind. I don't know what's wrong with it, I don't even know if there's actually something wrong with it.

     Really now. I was never one to believe in fate, but considering that it took that much trouble to ensure I stayed alive in those first few days, don't think I've never considered the fact that I was never meant to live in the first place.

      Don't think I've never tried to save myself. Look at all these phone numbers I got over the past month. I'm certainly not cruel enough to play around without the other party agreeing (not in any sense that compromises my dignity, just asking for company), but I'm "playing around" all the same. It's nice to have company that you are not obliged to watch your mouth around. But it doesn't soften the loneliness...it just distracts me from my own thoughts for a moment, before it engulfs me again.

     My mind is an ugly one...but good company comes along once in a while...a mind so brilliant and bright that it almost shines out my own. Intelligent, hopeful, idealistic. Most importantly, accepting and open, filled with annoyingly opposing thoughts, but that's how it keeps my attention away from my own thoughts. But as all things in my life are, good ones never stay. And I find myself torn between two conflicting thoughts - yearning to feel that light once more and hoping I've never found it in the first place. Rather like the physical manifestation of how I'm treating the issue really. 

     I look at that pile of work on my table and I really want to go do it. But the moment I leave the computer and allow my mind to flow once more, I'd probably have to clear my surroundings of sharp objects. I've done something stupid once and I've a mark to proof it (two to be exact). I'll continue to try to talk myself out of this nonsense, the way I did for all those others, yet I know because this is my own mind, it is more difficult. I've always enjoyed other people's minds more than my own after all. If I'm going to end myself, it's going to be clean and swift. I'm not going to stain my wrists with marks, poison the family relations even more than it is venomous now, or worry these friends around me that want to help but I know they can't. I heard that personality disorders and mental problems die down eventually, I hope they do. Till then, I can only suppress and hope that by the time A Levels are over, I have not completely broken down.

The Immense Fear of Stagnation

     There are plenty of people who fear change, who are obsessed with maintaining a sense of security and stability. In fact, there are two phobia terms for that - "Metathesiophobia" and "Tropophobia". Yet, for some reason or another, my fear is the exact opposite and it appears that this phobia is so rare that there is no one term for it. Or, it is extremely complicated.

      I went to a local university for lunch today. It's one of the top universities both within the country and worldwide, yet, the idea that I may attend this university in the future scares me more than anything else in the world. It's not that I dislike this country - it is secure, it offers so many opportunities regardless of one's economic or social position (there is inequality, as there will always be anywhere, but it is minimised) and in fact, I believe that for a person who seeks security, they shouldn't want to move at all. That is not me, however, because it's the idea of stagnation and staying in a small country where I can travel from one end to another within 2 hours that scares me more than taking risks ever can.

     Maybe it's the way I was brought up, family issues and all. Independence has always been a great part of my life. Unlike my sister, my education at home, in the early years and beyond, were largely my own initiatives. In the early years, I was brought up by a nanny, who never cared much beyond satisfying basic needs. My father, for his entire life, lives within himself and for himself - he preaches those ideas too. He never does much in the family, unless he is in an exceptionally good mood. I realised as a child that I could not bank my life upon someone whose participation in my life was solely based upon his erratic emotions. My mother was always there, but in those early years of being a parent, she was also quite liberal and allowed me to do things as I like. It's under these conditions that I grew up.

     Now, that sort of independence can have 2 kinds of effects. 1, you could become extremely selfish, caring only for yourself, because that's all you know. Fortunately, I ended up with the 2nd effect, which made me a highly idealistic person, with lofty dreams that may be beyond my capabilities. I guess personally, effect 1 may be better, but for me, I think I can't live with myself if I spend my life living selfishly. I just feel like I have not realised my life.

     Basically, my point is that it is independence at a young age that has made me so unshakeable when it comes to my ideals and dreams. I'm the kind of person, and I know it deeply, that would go through as much suffering as I need to go overseas to study. It's not just the academia or the prestige, I care naught for the latter, in fact. I'm fine with going to a less well-known university, as long as it is overseas. And like I said, it's not that I hate this country, I just want to expand beyond these narrow shores. Of course, I still have my personal agenda, because I would like to go to England for my studies, but the school itself doesn't matter to me.

     I want to experience a society outside of the one I grew up in. I don't want to experience it, knowing it is temporary, but to experience it genuinely, as if I were to inhabit it for my entire life. Every society will be confining in its own way, but it's not ridiculous to assert that in a small country like this one, although security and stability is much higher, the feeling of freedom is suppressed. The government and nation has done much to try to alleviate the problem, but personally, I want to travel beyond the borders and feel life outside.

     As I walked through the local university today, I silently asked myself - How many of these people chose to come here just because it is easier and more secure? I understand, of course, the monetary burdens, the family attachments, but the need to be free and expand my horizons is greater for me. I would rather stay true to myself, then settle for something easy. To stay true to myself is to pursue that lofty dream of mine relentlessly, because I know, even if I cannot see it completely to fruition, I would have made enough of a change in the world to have given purpose to my life. For some, their dreams could be to settle down with a family and bring happiness to that family. For that, you need security, so yes, I do understand.

     And then comes the fear. I am willing to suffer as much as I need to, but what if that's not enough? What if, at the end of the day, I'm still going to have to permanently station myself here? My life could be comfortable, it could be secure, but I would have betrayed myself, I would feel like I have not lived life to the fullest. My hands were shaking as I thought of these and truth be told, I have never been so afraid. Because idealism can be deadly. It has made me adopt ideals more lofty than most, yet it'll probably drive me crazy if I can't realise it. After all, if my purpose in life lies on this, then what is life if I fail? Doesn't that purpose just disappear?

     Emotional rant, I know. But as I write, I'm trying to rationalise my thoughts. It's dangerous for me to go around with the fear still so deeply embedded in my mind.