To be fair, nostalgia is a characteristic of Si and Fi, thus making INFPs much more capable of empathising with nostalgia than INFJs. I do understand its appeal and I can also sympathise with people who are caught up in nostalgia, but like I've said, INFJs are too concerned with the future to let the past pull them back that much. Come on, think about it. If I cared that much about nostalgia, the past, and "what used to be", I would be willing to tank this whole thing with my face, regardless of consequences. But being the INFJ that I am, I have a vision for the future, and I'm certainly not going to let my own selfish sense of nostalgia get in the way of progress.
However, once upon a time, I would have defended nostalgia as a useful emotion. Not exactly an emotion, actually, but a mix of a multitude of them. The fact that nostalgia is often bittersweet means that it is definitely not a pure emotion like sadness or happiness. I am an Fe-aux, which means that even if I'm not a particularly sentimental soul, I am able to feel for people who are. Yet, I think, through the most recent incident, I probably killed off some of my Fe. It's quite worrying, given that I'm aware of my overdeveloped Ti in the first place.
I used to believe that nostalgia is what can make an unemotional person feel true emotions and make them more "human". But that was back when I used to think that one should express their emotions as long as it doesn't hurt those around them. People who feel nostalgia develop deeper connections with those that sense of nostalgia revolves around.
Today, that INTJ told me while we were out that "I wish we had one more person and a deck of cards". My first reaction was to blink back the rush of nostalgia, grind my teeth and force back any sentimentality that was about to emerge to the surface. I raised an eyebrow in amusement and with a rather sardonic smirk, I replied, "If that happens, it means I haven't matured at all." He stared at me disapprovingly. Since when did an INTJ become more emotional than an INFJ?
I understand what happened and it is partly my fault - a huge part too. Nostalgia is caused by precious social connections that have disappeared with time. He told me that we, the three of us, had become the most treasured thing to him, the first time he truly cared for someone and knew he had friends. The guilt is horrible to deal with. After all, am I not the one who ended the possibility of this ever happening again? Yet, I cannot find in myself the will to turn back. I promised myself, after all, "Eyes on the prize. Don't look back."
Unbelievable. I brought light and happiness into his life. I brought him company and the warmth of human companionship. And then, I took it all away. Of course, somewhere deep inside, I'll admit that I look back to those days fondly as well. Things were simpler back then. Well, it was never simple for me, but I knew it was simpler for them. That emotional constipation I had to deal with made things way more complicated for me. But I did say to him today that "True success in life as an individual is found when one learns to move forward and grow. If you live in the past and stagnate, you can never progress."
When I decided to turn away; when I decided to protect my heart and pursue the future; when I decided it wasn't worth staying anymore - nostalgia is part of that innocence I lost. Innocence is yet another difficult term to deal with. I always felt like I was the most mature one and in that maturity, I found that others did not like feeling less mature. I played along. That is how I've always lived my life. I've played along. I was too drawn into the game, I see, and now I think it's time to move on. But what I forgot was who I left behind.
How guilty I feel that the social connection I brought to him was sustained by two other individuals whose relationship was unstable to begin with. Honestly, that was stupid of me. Now I see the consequences. I decided to turn my back forever, and in that decision, I made the reconstruction of "what used to be" an impossible task. Nothing can repair the rift, I'm making damn sure of it, because I personally do not wish to return to the past.
There will always remain this hope in me, that maybe a miracle could happen and I will be willing to look back once more. But I have learnt that having faith in my intuition is a flawed move, an unwise choice. If something is meant to happen, then you don't have to pursue it that hard. How much I have devoted is barely worth any of what I got back. I have learnt that I should never have faith in anything - faith is a fool's pursuit. I will believe in truth and facts and the future. Even if a miracle happens then, I will not turn back. I'm sorry, but I have already left this page. I have given you ample time to stop me, but you didn't. Very well, your decision, my decision - and today, I truly see what has been foregone.
It's sad how much of the past two years will soon fade into the void. I have great understanding of how the human memory works, thanks to my numerous readings on such subjects. I know that amnesia can be self-induced, or a fake amnesia. Once upon a time, in a philosophy lesson, there was an example of one person calling another stupid. After an extended amount of time and numerous repetitions of the insult, it is expected that the person will come to truly believe that they are stupid, ceteris paribus. I am inducing amnesia on myself with the same theory.
If one pretends that a person never existed and do it long enough, that person will eventually fade from memory. They won't disappear, of course, but memories will be forgotten. If one forces himself/herself to forget certain memories and events that occurred, then over time, these events will become non-existent. That is why some older people can look back on life and see huge chunks of missing time - the unpleasant creates forgetfulness.
The process is extremely painful, of course. To forget, you have to remember. I have to remember all the time spent together and, one-by-one, destroy those memories. With each event, you give it an extremely negative connotation, until your brain starts to reject it altogether. I've already succeeded with some. How it works is that when that memory becomes associated with painful emotions, the mind will naturally try to forget it. With time, whenever that memory threatens to emerge, it will naturally be pushed away with a mental snarl of contempt. What used to be a happy memory then turns into a taboo for your brain. It is something I never thought I would have to do.
It's quite obvious then, why nostalgia to me now, is a horrible thing. Once upon a time, I treasured it for all the good emotions it has preserved, but these good emotions are tied to equally painful ones. Eight days ago, when I placed down my foot in a final decision, backed off and walked away, resisting all urge to turn back, I changed myself. Those who possess nostalgia are weak. To me, they are people who believe that the past is undeniably beautiful, preventing them from seeing the beauty that the future can hold. When I threw away my ability to be nostalgic, I learned to be positive about the future and to believe that what I've went through was just a preparation for what can be better. In other words, to have no nostalgia means to have hope that the future will be better than the past.
In my dreams, I still see sometimes, the remnants of hope. But even in my dreams, I am resolute.
Last night, I beat up someone horribly in a dream, someone I don't know. It can't be a person I don't know, of course, since that's not how dreams work, but it's someone that I can remember the appearance of but can't remember the name. Beating someone up in a dream represents emotional bullying in real life - meaning that I am overlooking someone's emotional needs. Someone around me, I can guess who, has been emotionally beaten up by what I did. But you know what? My Fe has degraded so much that I can't even feel bad about it anymore. Consider it payback.
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