I feel like I'm supposed to feel exhausted, but from the beating I took from Prelims, there's this change in mindset that I'm really appreciating. It's been a really long time since I even got the chance to sit down and think about myself or go over my thoughts. And honestly, I'm quite fine with that. There's this intense sense of focus that took over me once the reality of how much I still have to do for A levels hit me. And then it just got stronger and stronger once I began to realise how much time I've wasted these two years dwelling over issues that have no impact on the long run.
I really enjoy this change, even if it's a long stretch from the kind of mentality I used to have. The deep thinking, heavy pondering and sitting still for hours thinking about things that have no tangible results has given way to this kind of obsession with productivity.
Is it a bad thing? I mean, before this change, a key defining characteristic of my personality was the ability to think deeply. Hey, but now my brain has gotten into this state where even before I get into the depressing mood, it goes like "Hey, hey, hey. If you have time to be sad and lounge around, get the hell up and do something useful!" This sort of mentality seeps even into my gaming - where simply walking around randomly doesn't make me happy anymore. There needs to be a goal that I work towards.
It makes me elated to realise that the things that I used to obsess over, be upset over and then get angry over...they don't actually get a reaction out of me anymore. You know you have successfully moved forward when a person you have had a crush on, got ridiculously angry at, etc etc, begins to fade into the background and becomes a fragment of the past. And I have expressed before, my absolutely hatred and disgust at being unable to move beyond the past.
Well, now I've done it.
I practically shut off all my emotional channels, at least those extremely reactive ones. I almost feel...robotic...and it's a rather good feeling. To be able to tell myself to do work in any circumstance that infringes on productivity is something I've always wanted. I wanted to be able to have that sort of focus and this slap in the face by Prelims gave me that.
The pain of Prelims became mine to hold, something that should have been true for CTs too, but I stupidly allowed others to comfort me. I should know better than anyone that I'm such an individualistic person that only I can make me grow. I cannot let anymore lighten the fall because I need to break my knees to learn not to do the same thing again.
I think it's also rather scary to think that as someone who now doesn't want to devote emotions or effort into unproductive areas, I would one day look back at the people I meet, who I'm not close to, and say "Who are you?" because I am that sort of person really.
I wish that I will stay like this forever. I am done with that moment of Fi that I incorrectly believed as Fe. If I am so emotionally affected by my own emotions, that's Fi, not Fe. Also, I enjoy the interaction between Ni and Se, creating a vision and then relentlessly pursuing it. I'm done with all that emotional crap that makes me more human or whatever. If being human means I'm not going to move beyond a certain point in life, then I'd rather not be one. So have fun being a human and stuff...I've got work to do.
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