There's this western cartoon drama film produced by DreamWorks Animation called Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. It was released in 2002 and the story follows the adventures of a wild and rather obnoxious stallion, Spirit. Encountering man for the first time, he is captured but defies being broken, even as he develops a remarkable friendship with Lakota, a tribal teenage boy. He falls in love with a paint mare named Rain and the two leave Lakota's tribe with his blessings and returns to his herd.
It's one of my favourite cartoon films, nowhere near Lion King or Brother Bear (as you can see, I like films with animals), and it's surprising, especially given that I detest horses. Why create such a magnificent creature just to make them herbivores? They have the grace, speed and strength of predators such as wolves, cheetahs, lions, etc, but they are herbivores? That's weak. Still, I love this movie, if not only for its soundtrack.
While this one isn't exactly my favourite, but the song seems to strike a cord with me, especially considering the mental state I'm in...that I've been in. This is the scene in which Spirit is about to be shipped away with the rest of the horses and seemed as if his spirit has been broken by the horse tamer. The other horses look to him, remembering him as the spirited horse that stood up to the humans. Looking out the train, he remembers his herd (led by his mother) that is still waiting for his return. He is reminded of who he is and in that moment, gains back the courage to fight back.
Lyrics:
Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I've got nothing left - just an empty heart
I'm a soldier - wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me - lead me away...
Or leave me lying here
Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on
Then from high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are"
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are
Yeah you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more - yeah, that's worth fighting for
If you lose yourself, your courage soon will follow.
Yeah, if I had gotten this advice way sooner, I may have found myself back before I lost sight of it completely. It's less of me not knowing who I am, then me not having any confidence in my own abilities. It's not that I'm confident of doing well at the A levels, it's that I expect failure. And when I look at these people working hard around me, it doesn't make me dislike them. What I feel is an even greater distance, not between me and them, but between me and myself. When have I lost myself so completely that people, younger than me even, have overtaken me - a kid who was once thought to be more mature than others older than her? At what point did it happen? How?
The definitions of jealousy and envy are too narrow, for in this case, I think it's jealousy or envy too. It's not exactly envy, because I know there's that willpower in me that I have lost touch with. I possess it, thus it is not envy. It's not jealousy either, because no one took it from me, my willpower that is, I simply lost it myself.
Depression is like a spiral, every single little thought accentuates the preceding one. I end up being jealous of those around me - of their hardwork, their resilience, their willpower - all qualities that I know I possess, but don't know how to harness anymore. And then it goes to self-deprecating thoughts - of why anyone should like me...no, why anyone shouldn't hate me or ignore me. And then I start hating myself for having such thoughts about those around me - for questioning their intentions when the only thing that's fucked up around here is me. As if it cannot spiral further, I start doubting my existence all together and it's an extremely dangerous slippery slope that follows every single thought. Worse still, being an INFJ means that every little action I see in the outer world gets noticed and processed, generated into a thought. It's a plunge.
And then from Brother Bear. I'll only quote the lyrics from the first part:
Lyrics:
Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone
But there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done
Of all the things I hid from you, I cannot hide the shame
And I pray someone, something will come to take away the pain
There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free and I can't see another way
I can't face another day
Tell me where, did I do wrong
Everyone I loved, they're all gone
I'd do everything so differently but I can't turn back the time
There's no shelter from the storm inside of me
There's no way out of this dark place
No hope, no future
I know I can't be free and I can't see another way
I can't face another day
Now for MBTI stuff, before I go off do attempt to do some work (not before doing whatever that distracting thing is I do and I'm not proud of...I'm going to run out of ways of concealing it soon...sigh).
1. How to Spot Functions in Daily Life
Se: Notices how beautiful the show is, the vividness of colour depth. Enjoys the physical aesthetics of the piece and comments on how much fun it probably is to hunt, ride and engage in other physical activities. Watches it once, has no interest in doing so again.
Dominants: ESTP, ESFP
Auxiliaries: ISTP, ISFP
Tertiaries: ENTJ, ENFJ
Inferiors: INTJ, INFJ
Si: Notices the pattern of seasons and how they fall into repetitive plot lines, which either is comforting or irritating to the Si-user, depending on how much they like plots to go unchanged through multiple seasonal arcs. If knowledgeable about the period, complains about the historical inaccuracies or "modernised views on morality." Notices that Lady Mary is wearing a dress previously seen in The Forsyte Saga.
Dominants: ISTJ, ISFJ
Auxiliaries: ESTJ, ESFJ
Tertiaries: INTP, INFP
Inferiors: ENTP, ENFP
Ne: Thinks up a dozen different, far better plot lines than the one the writer chose, and laments that none of them were actually pursued, because their version of events is far more awesome and unexpected. Enjoys keeping track of all the main characters and tends to guess plot conclusions before they go for the big reveal.
Dominants: ENTP, ENFP
Auxiliaries: INTP, INFP
Tertiaries: ESTJ, ESFJ
Inferiors: ISTJ, ISFJ
Ni: Foresees all the fates of the individual characters and knows exactly how the series will turn out and how others will respond to it. Finds the series somewhat superficial and lacking any true depth, so Ni retreats inside itself to ponder the deeper moral implications of propagating cultural stereotypes and the effect it will likely have on future generations.
Dominants: INTJ, INFJ
Auxiliaries: ENTJ, ENFJ
Tertiaries: ISTP, ISFP
Inferiors: ESTP, ESFP
Fe: Assesses all the characters based on moral behaviour and whether or not they keep the best interest of others in mind. Inevitably winds up disliking various characters and has no qualms about calling them names, based on their decisions and their treatment of other people. Tends toward objectivity in these affairs, but is also inclined to feel sorry for even characters they hate when bad things happen to them because...it's sad.
Dominants: ESFJ, ENFJ
Auxiliaries: ISFJ, INFJ
Tertiaries: ESTP, ENTP
Inferiors: ISTP, INTP
Fi: Manages to sit through the various death scenes without turning into a puddle of angsty watery goo, but rails against the characters who insist on suppressing other characters' decisions or in trying to "censor" them for the greater good of the group. Prefers the more stoic characters overall, those that keep their emotions close to their chest.
Dominants: ISFP, INFP
Auxiliaries: ESFP, ENFP
Tertiaries: ISTJ, INTJ
Inferiors: ESTJ, ENTJ
Te: Points out the factual improbabilities of certain plot twists and remarks on plot holes, while also pointing out logical solutions to every character's problems and scoffing at any mistakes. When asked, frankly asserts their opinion on the series on the whole, without censoring their views.
Dominants: ESTJ, ENTJ
Auxiliaries: ISTJ, INTJ
Tertiaries: ESFP, ENFP
Inferiors: ISFP, INFP
Ti: Analyses all the characters' motives in an attempt to understand them, which means also analysing the decisions of the writer in an attempt to find some logical explanation for redundant plot lines, unexplained motivations or behaviours, or plot holes. Notices logical inconsistencies. Will not mention their conclusions about these motives until fully formed.
Dominants: ISTP, INTP
Auxiliaries: ESTP, ENTP
Tertiaries: ISFJ, INFJ
Inferiors: ESFJ, ENFJ
2. "Be Interesting" by INFJ
Well, actually, you are welcomed to talk about the weather, only if you would like to tell me how your observation of the weather is related to what's going on with your life. I'm very content to listen to you ramble on and on about what happened, even if I'm given only 10% of the conversation to contribute my own thoughts. Small talk though...not a fan. But it's necessary as conversation starters, I suppose. "Starters" being the keyword here.
3. Bitches of MBTI
Loud bitches: ENFP, ESFP, ESFJ, ENFJ
Basic bitches: ISFJ, ISTJ
Whiny little bitches: INFP
Bad bitches: ENTP, ISTP, ESTP
Secretly a bitch: INFJ, INTP, ISFP
Actual bitches: INTJ, ENTJ, ESTJ
4. INFJs and Introductions
Even as a kid, I never understood introductions. How can a person introduce themselves in a single line? There's too much to every single person for them to condense into one line and to do so is to undermine other experiences for the sake of those more "important" to mention. Of course, I can still understand a person from that one line, but I don't like to hear things forced out of people's mouths. If they want to confide in me, then they would come to me and tell me more than 1 line about themselves. If they don't, then you should not make them say anything. Introductions are necessary, yes, but it doesn't mean that they aren't stupid and very annoying.
5. INFJ and Sensing Emotions
"We are so hyper aware of the feelings of others, it's like a superpower that we can't turn off. When with others, we are hyper aware of their emotions and our brain goes into overdrive trying to analyse and make sense of their reactions so we can alter our actions accordingly. We have done this from birth so it's automatic and we don't notice it. That's why we feel so exhausted after social situations because we invest ourselves so deeply into the emotions of others without even knowing it."
I don't like huge groups of people because of that. I'm not just socially anxious (which may make me seem like an INFP at times), I can feel people's emotional states. Sitting in a class in the morning with people doing work makes me sense every bit of stress flowing off them. I can feel that person's stress - that dull, frustrated stress, and that other person's stress - that panicky, heart-racing stress, that his, and hers, and everyone's too. Without doing anything, just by being there, I feel exhausted, tired, overwhelmed. I'm not an extrovert, I cannot get rid of these emotions and I am turned inwardly by default. Can you imagine what going into a room with people who got detained felt like? You could feel the despondency, the sense of failure, it's so bloody strong that I can't tell whether it's me or them, or both. My blog address is about a white dove with black feathers, right? At this point I don't think I have any feathers left from being so stressed out all the damn time. Please, just for a moment, let me relax.
6. On Intensity
Fake Deep: ENTP, INFP, ISFP, ISTJ, ENFJ, ESFJ, ENTJ, ESTJ
You mirroring assholes! Stop cheating my feelings and my emotions, seriously. But look, look there. I have no choice, do I? I guess I'll play pretend too.
Actually Deep: INTJ, INTP, ENFP, INFJ
Problem is that everyone I know belonging to these types are fucked-up versions of their base type.
Doesn't Care: ISTP, ISFJ, ESTP, ESFP
Well, at least you're honest about it, not a pretend.
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