And so I watched my life-long competitor leave, victorious in our challenge. I turn to laugh with my friends, as if I am one of them. I am not. This not my batch, have I forgotten that? I am living on borrowed time, did I forget that? How can someone lose their way in life so completely?
I have set myself on a different path and since I have yet to find a way to end myself, the only choice I have is to succeed. I cannot find strength in kindness - it is foolish to believe so. The foolish will never succeed, in society or in their dreams. Kindness makes you weak. It makes you hesitate in the moments you need to act. It creates fear where there should be none. It pushes you away from the path you are walking, like the lure of beautiful road-side flowers. I will find strength in ruthlessness. The ability to stick to my path, to effect the changes I want to see. The courage to stand up for what I believe in.
I witnessed a scene a few days ago, someone called another person a "shit", a person who wasn't around. I immediately flared up on the inside, which exploded, leading me to quickly take my leave. Why was I angry? Because I cannot take it when someone talks about another behind their backs, especially when those words are not those you will ever say to their faces. Why did I explode? Because there was a friend of the one being insulted and he did not stand up for him.
I have realised then what I value in a friend. It doesn't matter to me whether my friend will actually be hurt by the insult, I will stand up for her. It is not about the effect of the insult, it is about the intention to insult, to hurt. Silence means consent - that's the phrase we all used in Primary School. So how can I sit there in silence when someone is insulting my friend? I expect the same in my own friends. How can I trust in anyone who will not stand up to defend me? No, not even defend. I won't necessarily confront, given the situation, but I will certainly make it loud and clear that I don't want to be a part of this.
I value that sort of loyalty in a friend. If someone strikes me as the type who will not be willing to risk themselves for that, then that person can never be a friend and is not worthy of being a friend to anyone. Passivity, keeping quiet, just listening as someone insults your friend is utter betrayal. I can't even find a word to describe such people. Filth, I think, is the best description. I will not sit there and listen to anyone insult a friend, because that would indicate to that person that I agree with that insult. I do not and I never will.
In the way that Obito says it...
My version would go something like, "Those who destroy the harmony in friendships are trash, but those who allow others to insult their friends are worse than trash!" I legitimately feel sickened when I see someone saying nothing when their friends are being insulted right in his/her face. It's revolting.
And what do I think of it? I don't want such a person as a friend. Such a person, to me, is irredeemable, gone beyond the point of being worthy of being a friend. And that is perhaps a reason why I actually do think guys in Sports classes are generally more likeable as friends.
They are bull-headed, thick-skulled, a little dumb. But when it comes to friendship, they are beyond loyal. It does not offend me when a guy picks up another and punches him in the face for insulting a friend. That to me, is heroic and brave. Noble. To stand back, to fear creating trouble and watching, listening even, as a friend gets insulted is cowardly and filthy.
To me, passivity is a result of uncontrolled kindness, i.e. when you are so intent on keeping the peace, you end up becoming passive and inactive.
That's why I want to become necessarily ruthless. If you passively accept a friend being insulted, you are as much involved in the insulting as the one doing the insulting. In the same way, if I refuse to change myself in fear of losing my personality, I will soon have no part in this game of life. I will become a side character, watching as the world continues. My passive participation will make me an accomplice to all the wrongs in this world. I cannot do that.
I will play your game and I will win it. I will enter into this system of backstabbing and profiting, just so when I reach the top, I will have more power to overturn everything. In this corrupt world, if you find contentment in it, then you are just as corrupt as everyone else. Don't you dare tell me we share the same ideals, we don't, because I will never be as cowardly as you.
Passivity will lead to nothing, a void existence...and in my beliefs for myself - better dead than alive. At least in death, there will be one less human involved in a corrupt system. In life, I am implicated and in passivity, I become a driving force for the corruption. A passive person is perhaps even worse than a person who is driving the corruption. Why? Perhaps because I at least admire the courage and drive of that person. A passive person is nothing more than a coward, a fool who believes that hanging back and being happy in their illusions of contentment will lead to change.
It's time for me to wake the hell up. I am not a foolish INFP, I do not run from reality into fantasy as soon as I see it. I am an INFJ and I have a vision for the world, a vision that I intend to pursue to die trying. I am an idealistic realist, a realistic idealist and when reality and ideal merge into one, it is where I will find success. So first, I have to bow to reality, become a part of it, infiltrate it. Then when time comes, given that my beliefs have not changed, I will bring ideals to fruit, changing reality into my ideals, change my ideals into reality.
I have wasted far too much time - weeks, months, years - living in dreams. My priorities have become blurred, I am far too concerned with keeping friendships that are really doomed for failure - not worth keeping. Ruthlessness comes in 2 forms: 1. relentless pursuing of what I believe to be right, and 2. putting aside forcefully things that get in the way.
Scram. You're in my way.
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