So since this Tuesday nonsense is going to continue for much longer and I frankly feel no need to fight my lack of willpower, I decided that may I'll just find a few things to rant about...meaningful things I suppose. I don't know why my brain's alternative to "I'm too tired to do work" is to turn towards even more complex problems...
1. On Foresight
The thing is, being an INFJ who is also tested for being a HSP, means that my Ni is extremely strong, so much so that events that I predict in life have never been proven wrong. HSP, for those unaware, stands for Highly Sensitive Person, and is a term used to describe a person who has the innate trait of high sensory processing sensitivity. Common signs are sensitivity to loud noises, bright or fluorescent lights and strong smells. While it is not same as being anxious, HSP people are much more likely than non-HSP people to be overly anxious and develop social anxiety.
But less about that and more about the power of foresight. An INFJ's power of foresight comes with their Ni-dom, i.e. a dominant introverted intuition, which grants the ability to answer the fundamental question of "What will be?" While INTJs also share the same dominant function, due to their auxiliary function being Te, a logical-reasoning function, they are much more rational in their foresight. Furthermore, INTJ's Feeling function is Fi, which is more concerned with the individual's own emotions rather than those around them. Thus, INFJs are much more likely than INTJs to have an almost supernatural foresight ability.
How foresight works is that INFJs are exceptional at information-gathering in the intangible areas. We don't notice things around us, because our Se is inferior, and we tend to be quite clumsy. But I suppose the world always find an equilibrium to settle on and in return for losing our ability to grasp the tangible world, INFJs become adept at a young age to see beneath the surface. It makes us crazy people, especially in an ESTP world, because what we see cannot be proven with solid and concrete evidence. Such evidence just doesn't exist for what we know.
INFJs can foresee things simply because we see, in real time, what others cannot see, mostly within themselves. I think the condition of the INFJ is explained very well here:
INFJs are known as "old souls", i.e. souls that have lived too many times before. Now, I don't necessarily believe in the existence of souls (well maybe I do, but I'm not fighting anyone over this), but what I can say is that, yes, I do feel like I have an old soul. I know I am not exceedingly intellectually superior, like the INTJ, but what I do know is that I have a sort of maturity in understanding complex emotions that others lack.
What results is not an ENFJ-like charisma, that comes with Fe, not Ni. What Ni teaches us is what will be from what we can see. We see in others what they cannot see within themselves. In other words, emotions, feelings and thoughts that others wish to deny, or are not yet mature enough to understand and acknowledge. We are not mystical, it's simply close observation.
Ni works by taking many and creating few, opposite of Ne, which takes few and makes many. What this means is that we watch people behave very closely and through the patterns of their behaviour, we come to form accurate theories and predictions for the future. We understand at a young age what a set of behaviour means, what a certain aura from a person means, etc etc. And because of that, we can predict what will come.
The problem INFJs face, I think, is whether we have the right to intervene in the lives of others. As with the specific problem I'm thinking about, I can see very clearly 3 possible endings and I also know the relative likelihood of occurrence. I don't think Ni is amazing in any way because I'm simply coming up with possible consequences for a series of actions. Given that people remain rather constant unless provoked, it is really not scary to imagine how INFJs can predict the future.
In the 3 endings I see, the first one is the most unlikely because of 2 factors. Firstly, it runs on a very short time limit, a tangible time limit, actually. Secondly, the consistency of behaviour that has been prevalent indicates to me that within that short time limit, there is unlikely to be any change...of course, unless I instigate it. This ending will be the most beneficial to me, but at the same time, I am reluctant to play a hand in warping the future. I have attempted to nudge things very gently, but as with the way INFJs work, even our nudges are so subtle it takes an equally subtle person to react to it. I do want this ending to come about, if not for selfish reasons, but I have decided on non-intervention.
The second ending, the most likely ending, is most likely because of reverse situations. It has no time limit and is simply waiting for an occurrence to happen in an entire lifespan. Thus, the time limit is incredibly long and given the emotional maturation of most people, will most likely happen. The consequences of this ending can happen 2 ways and I hope sincerely like the less likely one will happen. There are unpleasant results to this ending, but it reaches this point, it is no longer my business.
The third ending is also an idealistic one, but is less selfish than the first. It counts on the fact that within the entire timespan, that sort of emotional maturation will never happen and anagnorisis is never reached. Anagnorisis is part of Tragedies for a good reason - if the realisation happens to late, it will end in nothing but disaster.
Will I play a part in changing the course of the future? I am unwilling to. In interference, I definitely warp the future, but then again, when I think about it, passivity is also a choice, in a sense, and I would thus be adding greater chances to the second ending. It is almost like a choose your adventure game with a biased die and I'm watching with baited breath the road the character will take.
2. On Friendship
I have a very bad habit of letting friends go. It's not that I don't treasure them anymore, it's rather the exact opposite. I find myself to be an incredibly needy and clingy individual, because my friendships are build upon the fact that I know someone needs/wants me by their side. As long as my company is wanted/needed, I will be there. My faith in friendships shake whenever I feel like I am no longer required...thus my general inability to trust friendships with extroverts. They spread their attention so thinly that it's not jealousy or envy, but rather the feeling that I'm wasting their time that drives me away.
After every year that I have to physically part with my friends, I tend to draw away from them. In my mind, I feel like they don't need my company anymore and if they do, I would know. I treat myself like discard-able trash...I guess I can put it that way...to be put aside when no longer required. This kind of insecurity goes so deep that even while being in a friendship, I feel sometimes like someone is getting bored of me, or I'm being overbearing or I'm wasting their time. It's a terrible state of mind, but I think it stems from my extreme hatred of my own existence. I see myself as being very...undesirable? That would be the right word, I suppose.
While I don't see my own friends as things to be discarded, I always feel like that's the way I should be treated. Once we leave the same class, same school, etc, there is really no more need for my presence, so before I can be told that I'm a nuisance, I distance myself. I wonder how long I've been in a stressed state.
INFJs are not smiley, happy-go-lucky people and an INFJ in that state is an INFJ in their Se stressed-out state. Then why is it that I'm constantly in that state around my friends? Maybe because this world is ESTP? I fear judgement so much that I stress myself to the point that my inferior function becomes so very dominant. People see me as immature, laid-back...qualities that come when INFJs become overly Se-reliant. How is it that I can trust no one? Well, if you can see that I'm constantly under stress, it's not hard to understand why I fear everyone.
It's so bad that even if I tell someone something honestly and truly believe in the good of their intentions, I will still fear and regret. After all, I wouldn't be my own friend if given a choice. I wouldn't associate myself with someone like me either, unless I am a really kind person. So is it pity then, that people like me?
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