Really. Did I for, even a moment, thought that I was going to be okay again? I don't think stabbing myself in the eyes can blind me from the kind of utter depression meant for my good self.
I rely on the wrong people and then wanted so badly to believe I would be alright again. No I can't. Even those distracting activities that I take part in very unwillingly are starting to become awfully addicting. I'm even aware of how absolutely twisted that kind of happiness is, but this world won't let me catch a break, will it?
Even the most bone-headed person will know that something is horribly fucked up when the only way that work can be done is if I distract myself in the most horrible ways. Hold this and move it if you want while I try to do this alright?
Efficient. Intelligent. Quick. I know they are praises but damn, I would trade all these away for some emotional stability and to not feel like I want to die every second. Why do these qualities even matter if they aren't going to be put to use? What's the point in me trying to do anything if, within 5 minutes, I'm at the point of snapping.
A good idea was given in class today - hanging. Now where would I get some rope and where should I attempt the hanging?
I made so many mistakes in my life, it's unredeemable. Even at the last, I put my faith in the wrong people. They cannot save me. Nobody can save me but myself and I've already given up. Why do I entrust my all to someone who can never be there when I need them? Why do I befriend those who can never understand me? Why am I dealt such a horrible lot that I had to resort to turning to these people? I tried to believe in them, but it was an empty hope.
I can't even find the tears to cry. A depressed person in my class is pitied for her state, but she has a boyfriend who is always taking care of her. A story is told to us of a persistent student who had problems, but he had the support of his teachers. What do I have? The pretences of people who think they care. People who actually care but cannot understand.
Staying at home because you have depression? As if life, my parents, my entire fucking circumstance would allow me to! Getting teachers to help you, but do I have a teacher who even fucking notices my problems? Seriously, how much worse a lot can I have been dealt? Fuck, I can't even cry in my own room! How much am I supposed to hold in?!
Just give me one person, please, who honestly cares and understands. Not someone who cares but cannot understand. Especially not someone who pretends to care but actually doesn't or doesn't know what caring means. But it's my fault, to even choose to confide in the latter. Stupidity at it's finest.
"If I die tonight, the stars will still shine, the sun will still rise and the moon will still illuminate the night. The universe will soon forget your existence - that speck of dust that existed for a mere glimmer. So, why not?"
Because I wish for the day that I can even feel a sliver of the happiness I show on the outside. That mask I put on, she seems like such a happy person. I keep hoping that if I endure longer, I will find that someone who cares and understands. But I don't think I can or ever could.
I'm tired of being me and being alive. I'm tired of being me and life. I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of me. I'm tired.
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