Profile of the INFJ #2

     Since I'm in one of those appallingly rare productive moods today, I think I should cut short on the ranting and get on with the post. It's surprising, given that my gut feeling is telling me that something extremely unpleasant is just on the horizon. Not a worldwide crisis, mind you, but deeply personal. I've got that feeling that something is going to unravel soon and I'm going to be extremely hurt by it. I want to believe I'm wrong but in all my years, I've never been proven wrong - my hunches are either proven right or not yet validated.

     That's a story for another day though. 

     When I had mistyped myself as an INFP, I had found researching that particular MBTI type to be utterly fascinating. INFPs are rare, idealistic and have their heads up in the clouds, making them one of the most curious types to know. Still, I had mistyped myself, because unlike the INFP, I am not incapable of taking concrete steps towards my dreams. I know the kind of determination, drive and talent I am capable of having, crippled only by the self-doubt that is a culmination of family pressures.

     Note that things in brackets are my own opinions.     

The INFJ Personality Type     

1. Overview of INFJ, the "Counsellors"

     The INFP personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world. As Diplomats (NF), they have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart if the accompanying Judging (J) trait -- INFJs are not idle dreams, but people capable of taking concrete steps to realise their goals and make a lasting positive impact.

     INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people of this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued.

Help Me Help You

     INFJs indeed share a very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain -- INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

     INFJs find it easy to make connections with others, and have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and facts (Yeah, well. I can't exactly do that in the circumstances I find myself in). It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extroverted types, but they would all do well to remember that INFJs need time alone to decompress and recharge, and to not become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. INFJs take great care of other's feelings, and they expect the favour to be returned -- sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days.

Live to Fight Another Day

     Really though, it is most important for INFJs to remember to take care of themselves (That's selfish though, isn't it? Since I am part of this world, I should prioritise it). The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point and if their zeal get out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy and stressed. This becomes especially apparent when INFJs find themselves up against conflict and criticism - their sensitivity forces them to do everything they can to evade these seemingly personal attacks, but when circumstances are unavoidable, they can fight back in highly irrational, unhelpful ways.

     To INFJs, the world is a place full of inequity (I don't know what you mean by "to INFJs", because it is indeed full of inequity) -- but it doesn't have to be (Exactly. If everyone could be a little more accepting, a little more forgiving and a little less selfish). No other personality is better suited to create a movement to right a wrong (...I would think our Extroverted counterparts are better suited...or better equipped), no matter how big or small. INFJs just need to remember that while they're busy taking care of the world, they need to take care of themselves, too (only when it gets out of hand).

2. Strengths and Weakness of the INFJ

INFJ Strengths

a) Creative - Combining a vivid imagination with a strong sense of compassion, INFJs use their creativity to resolve not technical challenges, but human ones. People with the INFJ personality type enjoy finding the perfect solution for someone they care about, and this strength makes them excellent counsellors and advisers.

b) Insightful - Seeing through dishonesty and disingenuous motives, INFJs step past manipulation and sales tactics and into a more honest discussion (and hence, if you want me to call you out on your bullshit, I have them listed in my mind...it just takes a little persuasion because you know...even if I hate you, I don't want to hurt your feelings). INFJs see how people and events are connected, and are able to use that insight to get to the heart of the matter.

c) Inspiring and Convincing - Speaking in human terms, not technical, INFJs have a fluid, inspirational writing style that appeals to the inner idealist in their audience (Really?). INFJs can even be astonishingly good orators, speaking with warmth and passion, if they are proud of what they are speaking of (Note "If they are proud of what they are speaking of"). 

d) Decisive - Their creativity, insight and inspiration are able to have a real impact on the world, as INFJs are able to follow through their ideas with conviction, willpower, and the planning necessary to see complex projects through to the end. INFJs, don't just see the way things ought to be, they act on those insights. (But sadly enough, in the school phase of things, people are often too conforming. Funnily enough, I find greater support and camaraderie for my "movements" in people who are not in my school and those older than me. Those people are really a joy to speak to.)

e) Determined and Passionate - When INFJs come to believe that something is important, they pursue that goal with a conviction and energy that can catch even their friends and loved ones off guard (like when I argued with my dad about being a vet...but was ultimately unsuccessful because my dad is way too pragmatic and stubborn). INFJs will rock the boat if they have to, something not everyone likes to see, but their passion for their chosen cause is an inseparable part of their personality (that's why if I have to settle for a job that makes me turn my back on my beliefs, I'd rather die...or find an alternative...that's more productive).

f) Altruistic - These strengths are used for good. INFJs have strong beliefs and take the actions that they do not because they are trying to advance themselves, but because they are trying to advance an idea that they truly believe will make the world a better place.

INFJ Weaknesses

a) Sensitive - When someone challenges or criticises INFJ's principles or values, they are likely to receive an alarmingly strong response. People with the INFJ personality type are highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict, and questioning their motives is the quickest way to their bad side.

b) Extremely Private - INFJs tend to present themselves as the culmination of an idea. This is partly because they believe in this idea, but also because INFJs are extremely private when it comes to their personal lives, using this image to keep themselves from having to truly open up, even to close friends (definitely guilty of this). Trusting a new friend can be even more challenging for INFJs.

c) Perfectionistic - INFJs are all but defined by their pursuit of ideals. While this is a wonderful quality in many ways, an ideal situation is not always possible -- in politics, in business, in romance -- and INFJs too often drop or ignore healthy and productive situations and relationships, always believing there might be a better option down the road (well, clinging on like a maggot clearly didn't work the one time I tried...so what is your point?).

d) Always Need to Have a Cause - INFJs get so caught up in the passion of their pursuits that any of the cumbersome administrative or maintenance work that comes between them (aka homework) and the ideal they see on the horizon is deeply unwelcome. INFJs like to know that they are taking concrete steps towards their goals, and if routine tasks feel like they are getting in the way, or worse yet, there is no goal at all, they will feel restless and disappointed (and from experience, an INFJ who has lost her cause can easily sink into depression and a loss of purpose in life. Everything I do seems meaningless...like why should I bother if this isn't going to create something better?).

e) Can Burn Out Easily - Their passion, poor patience for routine maintenance (same homework again and again...tell me, how effective is this exactly? Am I getting closer to where I want to be? No.), tendency to present themselves as an ideal, and extremely privacy tend to leave INFJs with few options for letting off steam (I literally have none...but the wall and the pillow). People with this personality type are likely to exhaust themselves in short order if they don't find a way to balance their ideals with the realities of day-to-day living.

3. Romantics Relations and the INFJ

     When it comes to romantic relationships, INFJs take the process of finding a partner seriously. Not ones for casual encounters (So how do you know if an INFJ has snapped from loneliness? When she is so desperate for company that she's just trying everybody), people with the INFJ personality type instead look for depth and meaning in their relationships (if you can't find the depth, then what?). INFJs will take the time necessary to find someone they truly connect with (but I suppose my intuition failed me) -- once they've found that someone, their relationships will reach a level of depth and sincerity that most people can only dream of.

     (At this point, I need a pause. All of these have to do with healthy INFJs, who are not suicidal and depressed. I have reached a point where I'm doubting my ability to judge people, at least when it comes to situations involving myself. INFJs are supposed to be the best out of the 16 MBTIs at sensing attractions between 2 people, but apparently, in my case, it is dysfunctional when it comes to relationships involving myself...it works fine for other people, at least for the past I-don't-know-how-long. Many examples, really, like that one time in Sec 3 when my friend first met a guy and I knew something was going to happen. Yup, they've been together for 4 years now. But apparently when I use intuition on anything to do with me, it fails...I still have a hunch that I'm not exactly wrong...but there's no way to prove myself right.)

Fun fact: Carl Jung is an INFJ

     Getting to that point can sometimes be a challenge for potential partners, especially if they are the impatient type, as INFJs are often perfectionistic and picky. People with this personality type aren't easily talked into something they don't want, and if someone doesn't pick up on that, it's a trespass that is unlikely to be forgiven, particularly in the early stages of dating (Recall 4 years ago: stages he called "dating" and no, it's still friendship...I never agreed). Even worse is if a suitor tries to resort to manipulation or lying, as INFJs will see right through it, and if there's anything they have a poor tolerance for in a relationship, it is inauthenticity (that's right...if you lie about yourself intentionally, out you go).

Is This For Real?

     One of the things INFJs find most important is establishing genuine, deep connections with people they care about.

     INFJs will go out of their way to seek out people who share their desire for authenticity, and out of their way to avoid those who don't, especially when looking for a partner. All that being said, INFJs often have a the advantage of desirability -- they are warm, friendly, caring and insightful (if they haven't been tainted into cynicism by the world), seeing past façades and the obvious to understand others' thoughts and emotions (what did I say? Apparently mine is dysfunctional).

     INFJs are enthusiastic in their relationships, and there is a sense of wisdom behind their spontaneity, allowing them to pleasantly surprise their partners again and again. INFJs aren't afraid to show their love, and they feel it unconditionally, creating a depth to the relationship that can hardly be described in conventional terms. Relationships with INFJs are not for the uncommitted or the shallow (One day I will find someone...I think).

     When it comes to intimacy, INFJs look for a connection that goes beyond the physical, embracing the emotional and even spiritual connection they have with their partner. People with the INFJ personality type are passionate partners, and see intimacy as a way to express their love and to make their partners happy. INFJs cherish not just the act of being in a relationship, but what it means to become one with another person, in mind, body and soul (HAHAHAHA, and I'm never going to know how that feels, I suppose).

That's me!

4. Random Stuff!

     Seriously, I'm not even angry that people are talking about things like fashion or celebrity gossip -- I'm just honestly confused. I don't see the appeal, I don't understand the appeal. It seems a little brainless to me, no offence, because a trend is just a trend, it will die down; a gossip is not even 100% true and it doesn't matter if it is. On the other hand, by trying to understand others, you build a deep connection and that is as permanent as most things go in life. Still the "How are you?" question is a little stupid to ask nowadays, since people aren't exactly comfortable telling you things out of the blue. You need to set the mood, set the stage and allow the other person to be comfortable.

     One by one:

     Mentally snaps when perfectionist visions do not transcend into reality.

     That is why my brain is currently a mess of broken wires because too many things have snapped. I'm just begging for one thing to turn out right, just one bloody thing. Preferably in the academia department, so I may pursue my goal of being a social entrepreneur and further other goals. But at this point, I can't be too picky...I guess.

     Opens up about their feelings only to apologise for it afterwards.

      The many times I opened about about my feelings were also the many times I regretted my actions. Opening up in response to others opening up is fine, because it's a form of reassurance that you aren't going to blackmail him/her or judge him/her. But, using the most recent example, no matter how supposedly "brave" or "inspiring" or "courageous" my actions were in the eyes of others, I think it is literally the most stupid thing I've ever done. It's not because I knew that nothing would come out of it, it's more of the fact that I knew it would create guilt in the other party and I still did it. Insensitive and selfish above all else, in my opinion. Even now I wish I had just swallowed the emotion down and hope it disappears, because at least then I wouldn't have extended my emotions beyond my own being.

     Still feels like a mystery despite how much they've revealed to you.

     Yeah well, I don't reveal much and even if I seem like I revealed a lot, it's very selective. I only reveal as much as is needed or as little as possible in order to keep enough hidden. Not that I don't trust others...no. My burdens are mine to carry and it's unfair for me to share it with anyone else. If they want to pick up my burden without me asking, then it's their own problem, but I won't intentionally do it. Mystery is necessary to create distance and distance is necessary to keep those closest to me safe from my own darkness.

     Vomits a jumble of words when talking but writes like a nobel prize-winning poet.

     If you'd give me a while to contemplate my words, then I'll speak like one too. Also, "poet" is not exactly accurate. I have received praise on my numerous fanfictions, so I would congratulate myself more on the ability to accurately and creatively depict character dynamics. Lemons (aka explicit fanfictions) are not my thing, I'm better at the character analysis and character interaction fanfictions.

     Will say something intelligent and then accidentally run into a wall.

     That's actually giving me too much credit. I have actually said something really profound to a junior before while counselling her, receiving a lot of thanks for it and then proceeding to trip on a stone and fall down a hill, fracturing an arm. How very smart of me.

     Yes, like I've said before, while I'm not a telepath (I wish I were one...I mean...Charles Xavier and all that sexiness), I am certainly adept at guessing what someone is thinking. Well, many people deny it when I accuse them of it, but eventually I find out that I'm right anyway. It's funny how I tell people what they are thinking and they deny it, only to embarrassedly tell me I was right after that. I've found out through that that most people having nicer and brighter thoughts than mine. That's also why I have so much faith that the world can be a better place. Everyone else's minds are so bright, full of determination, hope and optimism, in contrast to mine, so of course everyone is capable of so much more.

     And that's the face I have now that I've got to go and do work.

Disorder #1: Bipolarity Disorder

     Life can be utterly unfair, as all my years has shown to me. Tonight, I was, by circumstances, prevented from attending a play that I've been looking forward to for a while, but the positives of that is that I get to write a post in a complete silence, without anyone bothering me. There's so much I want to write and it was difficult choosing from the 3 main things that stood out in my mind - 1. The issue of innate human selfishness 2. Anime philosophy and Introduction of "Another" 3. Bipolarity disorder.

     I decided, that to maintain some semblance of order between these posts that I'll stick with 3. It's an unusual change from my otherwise utterly chaotic schedule that makes sense only to me, but change is always welcome, by me. I think that, if I'm being honest with myself, this is also an attempt to distance myself from the emotional outburst of 2 days ago, by applying cold-hard logic to it. It's probably my tertiary function, Ti, coming into play, seeking internal consistency of logic where my Ni (dominant) has failed to create the harmony required of Fe (auxiliary).

Bipolarity Disorder

A) What is it?
     Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide.

     Despite the common belief that bipolarity is a personality disorder, it is actually not. It is classified as a mental disorder that can cause the manifestation of personality orders usually of the Cluster B kind (antisocial, borderline, histrionic, narcissistic) or AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder).

     As suggested by the name, sufferers of Bipolar disorder experience uncontrolled and extreme swings in mood. To people on the outside, Bipolarity may be very difficult to distinguish from the usual moodswings that everyone experiences. This is especially true of Bipolarity II, in which the elevation of mood is less severe, while depression is relatively more severe.

B) Common Symptoms

     Bipolar disorder is characterised by periods of mania or manic episodes and depressive episodes.

Mania

1. Mood Changes

- A long period of feeling "high" or an overly happy or outgoing mood

- Extreme irritability

2. Behavioural Changes

- Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts

- Being easily distracted

- Increasing activities, such as taking on new projects

- Being overly restless

- Sleeping little or not being tired

- Having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities

- Behaving impulsively and engaging in pleasurable, high-risk behaviours

Depression

1. Mood Changes

- An overly long period of feeling sad or hopeless

- Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed

2. Behavioural Changes

- Feeling tired or "slowed down"

- Having problems concentrating, remembering and making decisions

- Being restless or irritable

- Changing eating, sleeping or other habits

- Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide

     It's easy to see how people with bipolarity can easy be seen as just pure cranky or queer. Often, it is only the person himself/herself who can identify the disorder from how uncontrollable and random the episodes seem. In my case, for example, my manic and depressive episodes are rarely marked by any occurrences and just happen without warning. It's not as if something great or terrible happened, I can just be going along with my day as usual and an episode happens.

C) Four Basic Types of Bipolar Disorder

1. Bipolar I Disorder - defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks.

2. Bipolarity II Disorder - defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic (less severe form of mania - feel good, highly productive, function well) episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.

3. Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS) - diagnosed when symptoms of the illness exist but do not meet diagnostic criteria for either bipolar I or II. However, the symptoms are clearly out of the person's normal range of behaviour.

4. Cyclothymic Disorder - a mild form of bipolar disorder. People with cyclothymia have episodes or hypomania as well as mild depression for at least 2 years. However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for any other type of bipolar disorder.

     I can say, as a Bipolarity II person, that the differences, though quite small in the descriptions, is actually quite significant. For example, Bipolarity I and II sufferers experience very different moods in that Bipolarity I sufferers generally experience more of the mania than Bipolarity II sufferers.

    I'm not exaggerating when I claim to experience Major Depression because I have been tested for that before. However, because that one trip to the psychiatrist was a secret, not known by anyone else and funded by my own saved up pocket money, I can only be diagnosed with it and not treated for it. 

D) Causes of Bipolarity

1. Genetics

     Bipolar disorder tends to run in families. Some research has suggested that people with certain genes are more likely to develop bipolar disorder than others. Children with a parent or sibling who has bipolar disorder are much more likely to develop the illness, compared with children who do not have a family history of bipolar disorder. However, most children with a family history or bipolar disorder will not develop the illness. In my case, my dad has quite a mild form of personality disorder, but there is no form of bipolarity on either side of the family besides that. 

     Genes are not the only risk factor for bipolar disorder. Studies of identical twins have shown that the twin fo a person with bipolar illness does not always develop the disorder, despite the fact that identical twins share all of the same genes. Research suggests that factors besides genes are also at work. It is likely that many different genes and environmental factors are involved. However, scientists do not yet fully understand how these factors interact to cause bipolar disorder.

2. Brain Structure and Function

     Some imaging studies show how the brains of people with bipolar disorder may differ from the brains of healthy people or people with other mental disorders. For example, one study using MRI found that the pattern of brain development in children with bipolar disorder was similar to that in children with "multi-dimensional impairment", a disorder that causes symptoms that overlap somewhat with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. This suggests that the common pattern of brain development may be linked to general risk for unstable moods.

     Another MRI study found that the brain's prefrontal cortex in adults with bipolar disorder tends to be smaller and function less well compared to adults who don't have bipolar disorder. The prefrontal cortex is a brain structure involved in "executive" functions such as solving problems and making decisions. This structure and its connection to other parts of the brain mature during adolescence, suggesting that abnormal development of this brain circuit may account for why the disorder tends to emerge during a person's teen years. Pinpointing brain changes in youth may help detect illness early or offer targets for early intervention.

3. Environmental

     Evidence suggests that environmental factors play a significant role in the development and course of bipolar disorder, and that individual psychosocial variables may interact with genetic dispositions. This can explain why identical twins may not both develop the disorder as environmental factors are key in triggering its development. There is fairly consistent evidence from prospective studies that recent life events and interpersonal relationships contribute to the likelihood of onsets and recurrences of bipolar mood episodes, as they do for onsets and recurrences of unipolar depression.

     There have been repeated funding that 30-50% of adults diagnosed with bipolar disorder report traumatic/abusive experiences in childhood, which is associated on average with earlier onset, a higher rate of suicide attempts and more co-occuring disorders. The total number of reported stressful events in childhood is higher in those with an adult diagnosis of bipolar spectrum disorder compared to those without, particularly events stemming from a harsh environment rather than from the child's own behaviour.

My Take on the Issue

     While Bipolarity is nothing to laugh at, since it can be worse than depression in some cases, as the rapid moodswings can easily wear down a person, I don't think it's a cause for concern. As far as I am concerned, I have been rather bipolar since I was young, with the trend becoming more obvious and more severe as I get into my teen years. What started as random episodes of happiness and sulkiness in childhood developed into recklessness and suicidal thoughts from as young as I was 13. For as far as I am concerned, for as long as I had been in this state of emotional maturity, I always had to deal with untreated bipolarity.

     I can't remember the first person who said I'm a person with so many faces that it's hard to tell what mood I'll be in the next second, and I certainly won't meet the last any time soon. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I can't predict the next swing coming either. It's rather like my migraine attacks - you can't tell it's coming until it's already here and I'm already going blind in one eye. 

     I think the biggest confusion is the trigger point. Yes, there is a trigger for Bipolarity, but once the disorder is triggered, there exists no identifiable triggers for the episodes that define the disorder. In other word, it is easy to tell what in your life has caused the recurrence, but it is never possible to tell why you are feeling a certain mood at a certain time. In fact, I could be laughing at a joke one minute and the next, I'm feeling like I want to kill myself for no apparent reason other than I got reminded, by myself, that I'm useless.

     The best way to deal with it, for me at least, is to avoid triggering the disorder. It had died down for a while, at least in the first few months last year, but I stupidly went ahead and dove into a situation that triggered it again. I should know by now that while I'm super into risk-taking, I just don't have the mental capability to deal with the consequences, even if I thought I was prepared to. I can certainly put on a façade and pretend I'm not bothered while I'm basically tearing tissue of my being apart on the inside, but it does not lower the risk of triggering a recurrence.

     I'm pretty sure the AvPD that was caused by 2 years ago has already been cured, but as far as Bipolarity is concerned, I'm pretty sure it's here to stay. 

Profile of the INFJ

     The post yesterday was filled with way more angst than it's supposed to be. Though, nothing I said was dishonest, in fact, it's the most truthful I've been in a while. Truthful? I don't know how exactly I'm truthful I am as a person, both to myself and to others. I mean, I'm bad when it comes to my own emotions...I can never tell exactly what it is that I'm feeling. It's weird, really, because it seems like the vibes I get from others are always accurately interpreted, but when it comes to understanding myself, I'm an utter failure at it.

     Still, I wasn't exactly wrong when I said that I'm a lonely person. It could just be an innate quality of mine, the kind of personality I possess and the resonance it has with the people around me...the resulting loneliness is an inevitable one. I have read that it is the supposed fate of all INFx because we are inherently rare and our inability to be as open as our Extroverted cousins, ENFx, makes us the saddest kind of lonely.

       It seemed appropriate to insert that video right there. Like I've said before, I'm starting to have a thing for Christina Perri's songs. This song - "The Lonely" - reflects in its lyrics and its very tune the feeling of loneliness. I'm not an INFP, so I'm probably not as good as describing the exact emotions presented in the tune, but I would call it a combination of darkness and tranquility. The tune is quite foreboding, a little scary, but it is beautiful all the same. Must like loneliness is...to an Introvert at least. It is when I am alone that I am able to recover from the interactions in daily life that tire me out, yet it is the time I feel the most overwhelmed by my own thoughts.

      Hey, but that isn't the point of this post. I was going to write about the profile of an INFJ. I'll leave this whole topic of loneliness for another day, a day when I don't have work piled up that I inevitably have to do. I can delay it forever, but it's Thursday, I might as well get it done today and bottle up my depressive thoughts for tomorrow. Oh wait...there's Shakespeare in the Park tomorrow night...I guess I'll figure something out.

INFJ Personality Profile

     "The INFJ personality type is among the rarest of the 16 types, constituting only 1-2% of the general population. Unlike the INTJ personality type, in which males predominate, there is a greater gender parity among INFJs, with nearly equal numbers of males and females."

     "INFJs are "old souls". Many grow up feeling wiser than would be predicted by their chronological age. Having discovered the value of their Introverted Intuition (Ni) quite early in life, INFJs grow to trust its judgements and insights. Even as children and adolescents, INFJs can be found advising and counselling their friends and siblings, and perhaps even adult family members. They tend to be happiest and most fulfilled when helping and enlightening others through their insights."

     Yet, I think that it is because of this habit that has caused me to start doubting my Ni as well. I have counselled a lot of people as a child and that extends to my parents as well. However, when you have an ISTP clashing with an INTP in your house, it's never that easy. Neither is willing to listen to the other and are comfortable pretending that things are alright. My Ni doesn't help at all. As much as I can feel their frustration and annoyance, pain and suffering, it doesn't allow me insight into how exactly I'm supposed to go about it. Even if it does, it hasn't ever succeeded.

     "Because of their strength of intuition (and commensurate detachment from physical reality), many INFJs report feeling like aliens in the world. One INFJ described her experience as "a perpetyal sense of deja vu." Others report feelings of disembodiment. The fact is that many INFJs (and INTJs) seem to experience the world and their bodies quite differently than other types do. It is therefore not uncommon for INFJs to question their own sanity."

     In fact, right now, I'm starting to think that I'm just pure insane and there's something wrong with my mind. I keep thinking that what I read in people is correct, and more often than not, I find out in the end that I am indeed correct. Yet, at this age, everybody is hiding something so deeply that I often times, I think that I'm seeing things. I can also predict actions of people, which makes it seem like deja vu...it's almost as if I know what is going to happen. Not the exact timing, mind you, but I know when the urge for action becomes strong in another person.

     "INFJs see two people in everyone. They see the public persona, the outer shell, which everyone else sees. But more importantly, their Ni provides a deeper sense or impression of people, penetrating appearances and revealing hidden motives and intentions. Consequently, INFJs often feel they can see people more clearly than those people can see themselves."

     Which further serves to make me question my sanity. I can be almost 100% positive, at least intuitively, that a certain has a certain kind of underlying personality, but because he/she hides it so deep, sometimes I think I'm just imagining things...or maybe I'm idealising things. Maybe a person is truly as horrible as they seem on the outside. Maybe they really are as shallow as they seem. 

     "To fully understand INFJs, it is necessary to recognise the full implications of their dominant function, Ni, being a Perceiving function. Namely, INFJs are far less serious inwardly than they appear outwardly (ENFJs, whose dominant function is a Judging function, are characteristically more serious). INFJs' inner world is well-described as playful, imagination, colourful, mischievous and daring. They love playing with ideas, perspectives, theories, images, symbols and metaphors."

     I don't know how many people actually think I'm a serious person. In fact, I tend to make myself seem quite laid-back and clumsy, but that image is so painfully superficial that I think even a 100% S person can tell that it's fake. Yet, on the inside, I'm not as serious as that façade might suggest...I am quite laid-back, I do like art incredibly so...and most of all, I love creating theories in my mind which I toy with whenever I am bored (and when my mind is quiet). 

     "INFJs also enjoy listening to music, watching movies and television and engaging with people. Perhaps more than anything, they love spending time engrossed in meaningful conversation, which allows them to simultaneously engage their Ni and auxiliary Fe functions. Talking affords INFJs the opportunity to help and enlighten others through their insights. And because of their loquaciousness, INFJs may at times be mistaken for Extroverts."

     Note - meaningful conversation. Not gossip (celebrity or not), not superficialities. Those things bore me...they are necessary, but they bore me. Often, I find myself repulsed from a person, after a while, if they fail to engage in meaningful conversations with me. I think it's most apparent at our age, because people are either too insecure about their personal issues or are still too emotionally immature to admit that they have issues. I'm not just saying this on a hunch, in fact, I do have a list of people...in my head...who are grouped into those two categories. I can't blame them, I mean, I belong in the former group myself.

     "Like the INFP personality type, INFJs can struggle with depression. This may stem from feeling chronically unheard, useless, or misunderstood, as well as from dissatisfaction with the INFJ's careers or the INFJ's relationships. Because Ni perceives the world so differently and profoundly, INFJs often experience a sense of loneliness and isolation, even when they are with other people. Depression may also arise from feelings that their ideals and insights are not being recognised or actualised in the world. They may see the world as deaf to, or unconcerned with, the truths they espouse. INFJs may therefore question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights."

     Right. On every single account. I struggle from depression, yes. I feel unheard, useless and misunderstood, yes. My career sucks, I have absolutely no relationship to speak of. I don't think I matter in the world and obviously, the world will continue even if I'm dead. My counsel is wholly unneeded. But hey, that's really a downer. In some masochistic way, I thought myself unique for feeling so utter alone and useless...but now it seems as if I'm just following the INFJ trend. How disappointing.

INFJ Relationships

     "INFJs are outwardly warm and engaging. Due to their extroversion of Feeling (Fe), they can readily ingratiate themselves to others. And while forming quick friendships and extensive connections may be the goal for some extroverts, for INFJs, this is not the point at all. Rather, INFJs seek high quality, in-depth relationships. In their friends, as well as their romantic partners, they seek intelligence (both intellectual and emotional), honestly, openness and authenticity. Their ideal partner would take seriously the issue of personal growth and development -- moral, spiritual, emotional and psychological."

     I would like to tell this writer to stop reading me like a book, but I understand that this is the INFJ stereotype. I am certainly not outwardly warm and engaging, but I know the reason for that. In fact, if that one incident didn't repeat itself three times over across five years of my life, I could still be the very friendly little girl I used to be. Now, I'm just generally suspicious of everyone, though...it guilts me to feel that way. I want to believe that everyone is inherently good and simply finding their way there...but my insecurities are far more overpowering. But yes, those are the qualities I seek, and in my opinion, I can't understand why you would seek anything else. A person who is intellectually capable, but lacks no emotional capacity makes me fulfill the phrase...pardon my French..."vagina drying up faster than the goddamn Sahara desert". Can't exactly remember where the quote came from but it's probably a pretty vulgar movie. These kind of qualities I seek come naturally to me...to seek anything else would be absurd really.

     "Despite their status as introverts, there is little INFJs value more than quality conversation. They relish the chance to share their wisdom, theories, and insights. Unfortunately, they often find that most people (especially S types) fail to fully comprehend or appreciate their theories and insights. This can leave INFJs feeling like there is no ready outlet for their wisdom and that no one really understands their essential worth or value. So if and when they happen upon a like-minded individual, one who values and eagerly partakes in the INFJs' inner life, it can feel like a godsend. The title of David Keirsley's book, Please Understand Me, aptly expresses what INFJs seek in relationships."

     Yet, I love to surround myself with S types. It's like I'm trying to commit intellectual suicide or something. I understand that it's not that they are stupid, or I'm crazy, but simply that Ss find it hard to understand Ns and vice versa. They think I'm sprouting nonsense and I think they aren't listening. I do have people around me who are N as well, yes, but they are not as close, really. Also, most of them are extroverts...so they tend to come across as quite suspicious to me. That ENFJ over there, this ENTP over here and another ENFP I met yesterday. One is too intrusive, the other a little too passive and the last one...a little too happy-go-lucky. I mean it's weird...ENFP and INFJ are supposed to match...but would you like to tone down on that optimism for a bit and listen? Oh well, not like I plan to meet again anyway.

     "INFJs commonly report feeling misunderstood. Considering their status as the rarest of all personality types, this comes as little surprise. There are numerous misunderstandings about INFJs that could potentially hamper their dating and relational success."

     Yay, joy. I'm so looking forward to this section right here. Please, spill more salt on me.

      "A common assumption among males is that all females have similar perspectives on romance. This is particularly off the mark with respect to female INFJs. "Canned romance", such as receiving a bouquet of flowers every year come Valentine's Day, is apt to mean little to INFJs, who are quick to differentiate between the "real and authentic" from the "fake and contrived". For INFJs, romance is cultivated on a daily basis through open communication and authentic action. What is done on special occasions is merely icing on the cake. Take away the cake, however, and the icing is meaningless."

    Oh my, finally someone who understands! If someone is going to ignore me every other day and not talk to me, and then flash out some expensive gift on Valentines' or my birthday or some other day that calls for presents, I will...inwardly...tell them to shove it up their ass. Okay, if it's birthday or Valentines' or stuff like that, I will most likely still accept it, but I will mirror their shallowness. What's the obvious indication? If I get a present and express overwhelmingly fake enthusiasm, it means that I want you to take the gift and shove it back up where it came from, because it is literal shit...no matter how expensive. Also, I have actually told a guy, back in P6, to stick the bouquet of roses up his ass because like the writer said "take away the cake...and the icing is meaningless." Sadly, this also means that I am less likely to join the other person in the blissful illusion of a happy relationship and end up getting myself hurt instead.

      "Another common misunderstanding is that INFJs are controlling or close-minded. This typically stems from INFJ's tendency to extrovert Judging (Fe). But as I've described elsewhere, IJs are often better understood as Perceivers because their dominant function (e.g. Ni) is a Perceiving function. In actuality, INFJs, especially those further along in their type development, are surprisingly adaptable and open-minded. While rarely wearing their openness on their sleeves, as ENFPs are prone to doing, INFJs can be surprisingly unique or less conventional relational practices."

     I know I come across as a rather private person...and thus the close-mindedness. But really, if anyone were to randomly approach me with a weird idea...please, go ahead, I'm dying to have a meaningful conversation with a person, for once, and not my bloody wall. 

      "Nor is it the case that INFJs are overly controlling, or even want to be in control, in their relationships. As dominant Perceivers, they are generally healthiest when they allow life to come to them. Many INFJs have discovered that if they take it upon themselves to act and directly control outcomes, bad results often ensue. For INFJs, "action" can be understood as a direct employment of their inferior function (Se). And as I've discussed elsewhere, overt or direct employment of the inferior often produces undesirable outcomes. All of this is to say that optimal role of INFJs in a relationship is generally a more receptive one, using their Ni and Fe to understand and interpret the world rather than trying to control it."

     Yes, I agree, to an extremely huge extent. The few times I've actually tried to drive a relationship a certain way, it ended up in disaster. I've learnt that "what will happen, will happen" and if not, "it won't happen even if you tried". That said, INFJs are typically attracted to passive people. Yup, let me just give up on this whole notion of getting a relationship because none of my ships are going anywhere.

     "Yet another misunderstanding is the claim that INFJs "read into things that are not there" or "make mountains out of molehills." Such accurations can be troubling for INFJs, since reading into things a la their Ni is what they are born to do. In most cases, such accusations derive not from any wrongdoing on the part of the INFJ, but from the assumptions or ego sensitivities of their partners. For instance, by saying things like "Are you okay?" or "You don't seem yourself today", INFJs are trying to gather more information in order to better understand their partner. Unfortunately, their partner may interpret these as judgements or critiques, inciting a defensive response. If such exchanges were to occur regularly and without rectification, the INFJ might begin to introvert her feelings and doubt her own intuition, a sure recipe for personal and relational disaster."

      Yay and the disaster is already upon me! I would sure love to ask someone how their day is, because they certainly don't look fine...but what do I know? Apparently I'm always wrong...though I don't feel like I'm wrong. If I think that a relationship between two people is strained, it most likely is. I mean, last year, I did point out that this one guy looked as if his relationship with my friend ended...yeah, I was damn right.

     "As I've discussed elsewhere, one area in which INFJs may conflict with NPs is lifestyle. Since NPs use Si, they tend ot be more fiscally conservative (especially NFPs) and less entranced by "the finer things in life." INFJs may balk at what they see as the frugal, second-hand shopping ways of some NPs. They may also crave more outer seriousness than NPs are inclined to display, especially in what the INFJ considers a serious moment or discussion; excessive silliness can be off-putting to INFJs."

     If I want to purchase that $250 per container Earl Gray, you'd better not accuse me of spending too much. It is a good investment on an excellent product and you need to learn to enjoy fine tea. Stop drinking that terrible sewer water and join me in engaging in finer living. Also, stop joking around, I'm trying to be serious here. If you don't want a foot up your ass, stop laughing, it's not a joke.

     "Generally speaking, INFJs are ill-matched with Sensing types. As dominant Intuitives, INFJs live in a world of abstractions mediated by concepts and language. Since S types, especially SP types (ESTPs, ESFPs, ISTPs, ISFPs), prefer to relate through concrete action or activities, INFJs may struggle to find a common N denominator. While ISTJs and ISFJs can be somewhat more abstract in their ideation, INFJs may struggle with their deference to certain traditions or conventions."

     Yes...I've noticed. I do not enjoy the company of S types as much...but I am a friend and there's certain value I attach to friendship.

     "Pairing with other NJ types can be a hit or miss affair for INFJs. Putting any two J-types together can seem a lot like opposing the positive poles of two magnets. When opposing J forces collide, relationships can be intense and fiery. This may be one reason that J-J pairings seem relatively uncommon. Moreover, if INFJs try to pair with INTJs or ENTJs, different conferred by their Fe-Ti and Fi-Te function pairs may further the likelihood of disagreements and misunderstandings."

      You are damn right. I've had this argument with an INTJ a few weeks ago and I'm not even a little bit guilty of the harsh treatment I'm exacting. I don't see myself as being in the wrong and he certainly does not either. Furthermore, INTJs aren't exactly that enticing anyway so I certainly don't miss the companionship that I hesitated to classify as friendship in the first place.

       "On the rare occasion that INFJs happen upon and pair with another INFJ, there can certainly be grounds for attraction and intimacy. But because INFJs are among the least practical of all types, at times even oblivious to S matters, this pairing could prove difficult once children, money, or other logistical factors enter the picture."

     In other words, if you have 2 INFJs doing something, you'll have better luck praying to the Gods for a billion gold than for us to finish the job.

     "INFJs may also discover quick rapport and chemistry with ENFJs, who share all the INFJ's preferred functions. Once potential drawback, however, could involve ENFJ's tendency to project their own dominant Judging preference onto INFJs, expecting them to be more "productive" or proactive than they might naturally prefer. This could lead them to put even greater pressure on themselves, which is sure to bring relational trouble. But if circumstances were favourable and both partners were adequately self-aware, there is no reason that INFJ-ENFJ relationships could not be successful."

     How about the stars just aren't freaking aligned on any day of any calender month for the next two millenniums? That could be a reason, couldn't it? In the end, I'm probably going to go find myself an ENFP, deal with his optimistic bullshit...or opt out of this ridiculous nonsense altogether.

And I Might Not Even Regret It (Optimists Advised Against Reading)

     "Seriously, why don't you ever do your homework?"

     I don't see the big fuss, really. It makes me want to burst out in hysterical laughter every time someone criticises me about not doing my work, or even more, panic about work. How fortunate your life must be if homework is somehow the biggest thing in your life. Get my priorities straight? I'm sorry, but do you know what my priorities are? I would very much like a life where homework is the main thing that bothers me, not a torrent of suicidal thoughts and self-criticism. I would very much appreciate it if I can just do my homework with my mind in peace.

     I don't understand it. Am I mentally ill? I'll never know. Is my life just that screwed up? Probably not, I definitely can find someone whose life is more screwed up than mine. So the first one it is then.

     Do you think I don't want to do my homework? Even if it's pointless, I'd rather deal with that than trying to curb the kind of turbulence that comes out of nowhere in my own head. And what's more painful is that because it's all in my head, nobody sees it. I'm just lazy and don't give a shit about my future. Naive, childish, immature. Is that it?

     There was that one lesson during class when our teacher asked about stress. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry. Am I just that screwed up? School work. SCHOOL WORK. School work stresses you out! My friend, you don't know what stress is then. You have never come close enough to the edge of your sanity to feel more stress than something so utterly superficial.

     I know that everyone has different experiences in life and I can't blame another person for not feeling the kind of stress I do. In fact, I glad that not everyone goes through this kind of shit, because that would make this a really screwed up world. But how can I be so utterly merciful to these people, whose very talk of their own "stress" feels like mockery?

     It's not just family problems, because I have known for a long time that there's probably something wrong with me as well. But I'll never find out. Why? Because there's enough shit going on in the family without me creating more. Let the façade of a cheerful, talented and painfully idealistic daughter continue! I have visited a psychiatrist 2 years ago, without my parents' knowledge of course, and indeed, there is something wrong with me. Am I going to find out exactly what? Nope.

     Bipolarity II, characterised by episodes of elevated mood and periods of depression. I'm an optimistic person? Sure, I can be, during periods of "mania", clinically indicated by abnormally happy, energetic and irritable moods. Am I quiet and brooding? Yeah, because there's also the depression, which is the most painful to deal with.

     It's a miracle, even to me, how I can wake up in the morning wishing I'd never done so and then laugh in school like everything in the world is fine. Every single morning, I wish I had somehow not woken up, that somehow I managed to die in my sleep. That's too easy, isn't it? And then I swallow whatever dark feelings inside me, which I can't identify as anything but just pain, and let it simmer and boil until it bursts into mania. Then I laugh in school, let my friends make jokes at me, make jokes with them. It's a screwed up life I'm living and it's never going to change.

     There have been times, for a brief few months, when the switch between mania and depression becomes less radical, but now, it's stronger again. It's a blindfold I put on myself, I know, but now that it's off, I can't ever wear it again without knowing that I'm being blindfolded.

     It's the loneliness, I know, because it was strongest 2 years ago, when I found myself utterly isolated from my old class. My situation back then is why I find Mrs Warren such an easy person to sympathise with. I've tried to not form a clique, I tried getting along with everyone. For once, I tried to do the "right thing". What I got was isolation from everyone, because my class was that kind of clique-ish class where everyone clearly belonged to some group. I didn't. It's just one of the many times I try to do something properly and it just doesn't turn out right.

     Loneliness. It doesn't come from the lack of company, but the lack of good company. You can be surrounded by people, but still feel the distance between you and them as if there were rifts. I surround myself with close friends now, but I don't feel it...the connection...the sense that I belong. What defines good company? Someone you know that you can tell things to and they will understand, they will not judge. They may not agree, but they will understand. No such person exists in my life and in that, my loneliness.

      Even when I share about my family problems, I know that everyone has their own take on the problem and how it should be treated. Once again, I am the one who is different. Ignore it? I can't, they are family. A family problem that could be resolved if both parties were willing to listen, to sit down and talk, and find it in themselves to forgive and leave the past behind them. I can't even get them to sit together and talk. I want to just leave the house, but I don't feel comfortable just running away. I want to help, but I have no capacity to do so. It would probably have been solved if it wasn't me trying to solve it. I've always been known to cause more trouble than there was already.

     It's not like I have not put a blade to my own skin before, but in that moment of stupidity, I realised that the true stupidity is in that action. The pain is quite relieving, like it has been said to be, simply because the rest of your body is so numb from an unidentifiable pain that the blood that is drawn feels comfortingly familiar. Yet, it is so temporary and such a fatal mistake that it rarely solves anything. If it is found, which it has not been, it causes more trouble than is worth.

     The title of this post "And I might not even regret it". You should be able to guess what "it" is. Suicide? Self-harm? Anything along those lines are appropriate answers. I keep clinging onto life with all these selfish assumptions on mine, but really, when I tear apart this debate in my head, I realise that suicide is actually the best idea.

     And this makes me laugh. I have talked a total of 6 people out of suicide in my 19 years alive, 2 of which on the night before they could do it. Yet, when it comes down to me, I can't talk myself out of it. I'm not persuasive enough for myself.

     I keep thinking that I cannot die, because people will be upset. Really? How important do I think I am? I'm sure everyone will be fine without me. I'm sure people will just carry on with their lives. This argument works on other people, but I know my own insignificance. I know that how important I feel to another person is just speculation, tainted by the human need to feel needed. I know that, in the end, if I choose to kill myself, people can and will get over it. It's not like I'm this great researcher whose amazing discovery will be terminated if I died. I'm rather insignificant.

     I keep telling myself that I'm still needed. Not really. Sure, my sister is too young to take care of my mom right now, but there will come a day when she is old enough. What, do I die then? What's the difference? My mom has shown that she is clearly able to seek help by herself, what am I needed for?

     Cost benefit analysis, done on a person's life. This is how coldly I treat my own existence when it comes to moments like this.

     What is the purpose of life? I still hold on to my previous beliefs, but what has changed, is that I recognise that I may be the worst person for the job. Make the world a better place? Please, as if I could do that. I can't even make myself stop these depressive thoughts, what makes me think I can make the world a less depressive place? The job should be left to an optimist, not me.

     Yet, I'll probably never do it...kill myself that is. I haven't found a good way to ensure I don't screw up. It is me, after all, I'll probably screw it up and become a bigger burden I already am. The numerous times I joke about being a burden...it's not a joke when it's about me. It's honestly how I view myself. I take up resources that are so scarce, yet I'm being utterly useless and will continue being so because a mentally screwed up person like me probably can't do anything anyway.

     If I jump from a building, I'll probably come close to dying but end up becoming a vegetable or become crippled. When a miracle chooses to happen, it's going to happen on a jump which should by right take my life. If I drown myself, I need a heavy weight...how the hell am I supposed to get that without assistance. If the thing is heavy enough to drag me down, I sure ain't strong enough to lug it to a pool of water. If I cut myself, I'll probably miss an artery, end up in the ER, but then fail to die and cause more worry to the family. If I eat painkillers in large amounts, I may get indigestion, but I won't die because an inconvenient miracle happened again. See, I've thought about it all, it's just that I can't figure out how to do it properly.

     And you ask me if I feel bad about not doing my homework? My dear friend, please treasure the kind of peace you possess in your mind that I'll never find in mine. Rejoice in the silence and concentration your mind can pull off while doing homework. I certainly can concentrate, but after that 1 hour, the depression hits even harder because I've tried to suppress it. The family is rowdy, the atmosphere is worse, but the worst of all is having to live with my own mind. I don't know what's wrong with it, I don't even know if there's actually something wrong with it.

     Really now. I was never one to believe in fate, but considering that it took that much trouble to ensure I stayed alive in those first few days, don't think I've never considered the fact that I was never meant to live in the first place.

      Don't think I've never tried to save myself. Look at all these phone numbers I got over the past month. I'm certainly not cruel enough to play around without the other party agreeing (not in any sense that compromises my dignity, just asking for company), but I'm "playing around" all the same. It's nice to have company that you are not obliged to watch your mouth around. But it doesn't soften the loneliness...it just distracts me from my own thoughts for a moment, before it engulfs me again.

     My mind is an ugly one...but good company comes along once in a while...a mind so brilliant and bright that it almost shines out my own. Intelligent, hopeful, idealistic. Most importantly, accepting and open, filled with annoyingly opposing thoughts, but that's how it keeps my attention away from my own thoughts. But as all things in my life are, good ones never stay. And I find myself torn between two conflicting thoughts - yearning to feel that light once more and hoping I've never found it in the first place. Rather like the physical manifestation of how I'm treating the issue really. 

     I look at that pile of work on my table and I really want to go do it. But the moment I leave the computer and allow my mind to flow once more, I'd probably have to clear my surroundings of sharp objects. I've done something stupid once and I've a mark to proof it (two to be exact). I'll continue to try to talk myself out of this nonsense, the way I did for all those others, yet I know because this is my own mind, it is more difficult. I've always enjoyed other people's minds more than my own after all. If I'm going to end myself, it's going to be clean and swift. I'm not going to stain my wrists with marks, poison the family relations even more than it is venomous now, or worry these friends around me that want to help but I know they can't. I heard that personality disorders and mental problems die down eventually, I hope they do. Till then, I can only suppress and hope that by the time A Levels are over, I have not completely broken down.

That One Quote That's Been Bothering Me

     There was this one quote I came across once upon a time (actually, not even that long ago), when I was doing some research for an essay. Of course, it was not school homework, or else I wouldn't be wasting so much effort on it. If my teachers want simplistic writing, I'll give them simplistic writing, because it seems like when I try to put a little more effort into it, my grades are actually lowered. I was tempted to say that I have no idea how that works, but I have my little hypotheses.

      This one little quote has been bothering me for ages. It really shouldn't be, since my general opinion on quotes is that they are basically useless, except for the times when you dump them in your essays to make it look as if you know what you're talking about. Quotes on their own are full of assertions, never explained, never substantiated, just left hanging for people to interpret. I guess that may just be their purpose, but still, that just means that they bother me even more. 

     I'm assuming that people should know who Eleanor Roosevelt was, but just in case you don't for some reason, she was the longest serving First Lady of the US and wife to US's 32nd President Franklin D. Roosevelt. The succeeding President Harry S. Truman called her the "First Lady of the World" for her several human rights achievements. I don't believe the quote above has anything to do with a specific event, but a little history lesson never hurts anyone.

     "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."

     I don't exactly agree with this quote, mostly because I don't think these three areas of discussion - ideas, events and people - are mutually exclusive, like the quote seems to suggest. However, I can see why this quote may hold true. The lowest levels of discussion, which is more common-placed in discussions between females (as if I'm not one), is gossip and the spreading of rumours. 

     What do I think about rumours? Well, I don't like them and I try to steer clear of them, but I see them as not completely avoidable. What are rumours and gossips anyway? I would define them as speculations on another person's or persons' private and personal affairs. Basically, you are going off a hunch and you don't know the truth, yet you are spreading that speculation as a fact. To me, that is disgusting, but it doesn't mean I don't do it. It is, like I said, inevitable, because you can never know the exact truth behind every single affair. It is part of human intellect to make inferences and speculations, though I believe that latter, because of the lack of evidence, should be kept to oneself. What does it have to do with the quote? Well, most of the time, when girls gossip, while situations and events are described, what takes precedence in the discussion is the person in question. The gossip usually starts off as "You know I saw ___ doing ___ the other day?" and somewhere down the line of gossip, it becomes "I heard that ___ is ___ kind of person."

     Often, the conclusion is an over-generalisation and, sometimes, even a completely unfounded accusation. I really want to use the example of the RGS girl who sued the school, but I believe I've written about that before. I am in no position to impose my judgement on others, because I'm not involved at all, but I still believe that some people are judging her a little too harshly. I would call their accusations of her as a "bad person" to be a gossip, because if you don't know her, I don't think it's fair to assume she's a bad person because of one thing that happened. I can say that what ever she did was horrendous and misguided, but I don't think it should define her as a person. This opinion of mine has been met with outrage, but I hold onto the belief that she may not necessarily be a bad person and even if she were, it's not even that important. 

     Why isn't it important? Come on, it does not matter whether she's a good or a bad person, because it does not make what she did any worse or any better. It's not a show of mercy, because judgements in court are not passed based on a person's character, but on a person's actions. To conclude so quickly about a person's character and pass it off as the truth, thus framing the entire person for life, isn't that gossip?

     And then we move on to "average minds" that discuss events. You see that when people discuss daily happenings, whether in the news, on the radio, etc. I think the biggest differentiation to make between these kinds of discussions and the previous ones is that while both may start of with discussing events, the previous kind of discussion often shift focus onto individuals involved, rather than looking at the situation as a whole. 

     This then makes the final assertion of "great minds" easier to understand. Small minds are narrow minds, which focus on the small and often, not that significant, aspects of a situation. Average minds focus on the situation and sees the situation as it is. Great minds extrapolate every situation into a bigger idea, that develops as more deductions from various situations are taken into account. For example, the assertion that "Humans are inherently selfish" isn't an idea that just pops out of no where. It's the combination of everything a person has gone through that contributes to his/her perception of the world and forms an opinion, or a subjective idea. When an opinion is discussed with opposing minds, it becomes objective and forms a solid idea. 

     Why don't I agree with the quote then?

     Like I've mentioned, the quote makes it seem as if these three where mutually exclusive. If you discuss people, you have a small mind; if you discuss events, you are just average; and if you discuss ideas, you mind is superb. I really think that the quote describes more of a process, rather than a classification. Often, discussions about a person and about a situation are not mutually exclusive and you often address both at once. While you discuss anything, your brain forms an opinion that is shaped by the discussion, the beginnings of an idea.

      This sort of reminds me of the opening lines of Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. The game begins like a play almost, probably because of the quote at the start and it's this quote that emerges in my mind when I first saw that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt.

      This may seem quite irrelevant, but I'm sure you can draw the little links yourself. The quotes are not identical, not at all in fact, but both contain three aspects (prophecy/idea, event, hero/people).

     Also, another problem I have with the initial quote is that I believe that even among great minds, there are humanitarian minds and the more...scientific minds. If the idea has to do with people, then if your mind great or small? 

     That said, whenever people ask me about my opinions about another person, I wonder whether they are asking me from a narrow-minded (small mind) perspective or they are trying to build upon their own ideas (great mind). In time, I have realised that the faster a person is in trying to overturn your opinion, the more narrow-minded they are, naturally. I often try to give more unconventional responses, if I'm being genuine, and given the response the other person offers, I can then draw some opinion of my conversation partner. If they are quick to oppose, like when I said that RGS girl isn't bad person and got a glare, I know that they are looking for confirmation for their narrow-minded perspective on her, not really trying to develop an idea. If the person falls silent and looks like he/she is considering what you are saying, then you know you found a great conversation partner. 

     Even so, it's not like I can be picky about my conversation partners. Nowadays, my most common company (i.e. those who talk to me everyday without fail) are quite narrow-minded people, who will not hear my differing opinion without giving me the weirdest looks. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy their company because there is a time and place for everything, including arguments (I call them discussions, but whatever), so I try not to be disagreeable most of the time. They are great company for relaxation, but I want someone who will willing fight me. Most of the time I just end up coming home and writing stuff down everywhere, but it's like talking to a wall, you get no response.

     This is probably why I walk away immediately when a guy I'm talking to agrees with my opinion despite having every reason to disagree. If you aren't going to offer me your genuine opinions, then I don't get why I should either. I think a wall is honestly better in those cases - at least they weren't meant to have an opposing opinion in the first place.

Top 10 Pokemon Battle Music

      I was meaning to do a more serious post yesterday, but since I was "banned" from using the computer by an unexpected presence in the house, I couldn't find any time to do it. I was going to do it today, but my brain is in all sorts of mess right now, for no apparent reason. I didn't sleep late last night...well, not any later than I'm used to...but I woke up with a splitting headache. Probably from getting smacked on the head with a ball. Must have killed all the brain cells I have left too, which by any accounts, wasn't many.

     So instead of being all deep and complicated, I decided to do something a little more light-hearted...as an excuse to myself to not do work and procrastinate. I really hope that one day I'll get rid of that habit, but it's a trade-off for being stupidly efficient, I suppose. Not bragging, really, because I would rather waste away an afternoon on work than have absolutely no motivation to do it. Once again, my brain is using the "it's not really that useful" excuse and I must say, it's true. I could do much better than waste my time on that (pointless homework).

     I'll probably have many of these top 10s every time I want to write on my blog (aka, avoid studying and not play so blatantly). I really want to go research and write more about INFJ, now that I've pulled myself out of the misconceptions about J-P. Apparently the usual stereotype still works for Extroverts, since their dominant functions correspond with the stereotype. It doesn't work for any of the Introverts however, and as much as I like to mention how my E-I differentiation is just 4-6%, I'm not going to dwell on that. INFJ seems so much more appropriate now that it answers:
1. Why I'm INFP and supposedly good at poetry, but I can't understand a word of it.
2. Why I have a fellow INFP...acquaintance, who has beliefs that I find so extremely selfish. It's not the selfish part that bothers me, it's more of the fact that I can't understand how we are supposed to be both INFP, but disagree on the most fundamental of things that two people of the same MBTI should agree on. No, it's not even disagreement. I can't even understand him. I would think that if I'm really an INFP, I would at least be able to comprehend his motivations.

     It's rather difficult though, given how many people have the same misconceptions about how J-P works. Most people, excluding experts of course, are inclined to believe that INFJ is more structured and organised while INFP is laid-back when it's quite the opposite. Hey, but INFJ does get a better reputation, even when you take out the Judging stereotype. I already did a very, very long post on the INFP vs INFJ issue, so I'm not going to go through the whole thing again. The main thing to note is that whether a person is decisive is not related to J-P, but rather, whether their dominant function is N-S (perceiving functions) or F-T (decision-making functions).

Yes, I would very much rather be a counsellor than a hippie. It's true though, since INFP seek to find harmony within themselves more, rather than to find harmony within their tight group of friends (tight group = introversion). Also, INFP senses feelings through art and music while INFJ senses feelings through physical proximity.

      I went off the tangent, again. Anyway, I'll do Naruto Epic music, Sad music, Bleach Music, etc etc in the future, but today, it's Pokemon. Since I'm not that in-tune with musical terms, I'll try my best to explain my preferences, but I'll probably still sound like an idiot.

#10. ORAS/RSE Regi Trio Music

     The reason why this music is this low on the list is partially due to my dislike of this trio, but to a greater extent, the absolute repetitiveness of a quite monotonous tune. The music starts off with quite an epic feeling, with the drums that were so characteristic of RSE (Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald) music. However, though the generally deep-pitch of the music and the steady rhythm of drums creates quite an epic atmosphere, it gets horribly boring immediately after the 1st minute. Considering that you'll probably be sitting there for up to 20 minutes per Regi, you'll get bored real stone. And what's the hype about the Regis anyway? They are trolls or ogres, I get it, but they just look like 3 hunks of rock, ice and steel!

#9. DPPt Lake Trio Music

       The video says "Omega Ruby Alpha Sapphire", I'm quite aware, but they did not remix the music for the new games, so it's still DPPt (Diamond, Pearl, Platinum). This is the kind of choice I have to make that makes me want to kick myself in the face. It's low on the list, yes, but this music deserves to be on the list. The build-up to the music is great, the resonance of a single "wailing" instrument in alternating channels (right and left ear) going in crescendo (I can only use piano terms) creates a kind of anticipation. The music that follows after creates an ominous atmosphere, with the background tune evoking a feeling of imminent danger. What makes this music so low on the list is the Lake Trio themselves. I don't dislike these three pixies, but with how adorable they look, isn't the music a little weird? "A little" being an understatement too. You would expect Giratina to pop out, or Darkrai, but you get three cute little pixie things.

#8. ORAS/RSE Team Magma/Aqua Boss Music

      Although the first few seconds are a little anticlimactic, given that these two villains tend to appear and give epic speeches before their fights, the music builds up after the 25 second mark and begin to sound much better. Generally, I think that this version of the battle theme is a great remix of the old one, due to the inclusion of many appropriate background tunes and epic instruments. This music symbolic of the generation as well, not only because it's the final boss theme for the respective villain organisations, but because it was the music that best exemplified the use of drums in the RSE games. Why is it so low on the list though? Well, let's just say I played Omega Ruby (for Mega Mawile, Zangoose and basically all the old Ruby exclusives) and Maxie was a joke. On my first playthrough, I was using Gyarados as my Water type and the second time, it was Azumarill. I barely got to see 5 seconds of Maxie's Mega Camerupt before it got its asshole ripped apart by a Waterfall (Yea, Huge Power Adamant Max Attack Azumarill Overkill). Still, the nostalgia factor kept it above the other two.

#7. BW Final N Battle Music

     I don't exactly love the music for the N fight and it doesn't exactly suit the battle either, but the only reason it's here is for respect towards the character. In my opinion, N is the character in the series with the most character depth. He is a Pokemon trainer who is "son" to Ghetsis and from a young age, only interacted with Pokemon. Thus, he is very awkward with humans, but has developed an ability to read the emotions and minds of every Pokemon he meets. Depending on the game you play, N fights on the side of Team Plasma, but is a guy with good intentions. He either seeks the truth of the world or its ideals, again depending on the game. He is the Hero of Legend who is the partner of Reshiram/Zekrom and at the end of the game, after meeting your character, he realises the world can only exist when opposing ideals coexist, not when they try to wipe each other out. He leaves you with the most inspirational speech in any Pokemon game and flies away on his Reshiram/Zekrom.


#6. BW2 Ghetsis Music

      Starting from here are music that I have absolutely no complaints about. They are just lower than others because the others are better, not because they themselves have any flaws. For the sake of people who never played BW (Black, White) or BW2, Ghetsis is the main villain in both games. In the first game, he made use of N, a Pokemon trainer who grew up with Pokemon and can read their emotions, to rally support for his plan to "liberate" Pokemon. His plans, however, was to rid the world of people who owned Pokemon while keeping his own so he could overpower everyone and take over the world. Team Plasma, in both games, was under his command and was, by far, the best villain organisation so far (kill me please Genwunners, admit it, Team Plasma is better than Team Rocket). Ghetsis is an unrepentant and thoroughly evil character, which is one of my favourite kinds of villain (second only to the villain with a dark past, aka N). This theme suits him incredibly well, with the unusually (for a Pokemon game) dark tune and rhythm. The constant chanting in the background, fun fact, is repeated the word "Geechisu", which is Ghetsis's Japanese name. The battle against him is tough, unforgiving and certainly worthy of such music. I mean, look at his team!

#5. BW2 Rival Hugh Music

      Hugh is undoubtedly my favourite one of the rival characters in Pokemon. His music is as unique as he is and at the same time, the combination of everything good about the previous rivals. He is the only rival that I emotionally cared about basically. He was someone you could empathise with and isn't just an asshole who wanted to best you at everything. He challenges you at every turn, but even when he gets defeated, he still congratulates you on it. He has Blue's competitive spirit, Silver's anger, May's friendliness, Barry's impatience and Cheren's helpfulness. I know many people will disagree with me and while Silver and Blue are my favourite rivals in the Manga, in the games at least, Hugh is the rival with the most depth. Silver's past just isn't that fleshed out in the games.

#4. DPPt Champion Cynthia Music

      Just as a proof of how much love this music has gathered, this piece was actually remixed for the most recent Smash games for the Pokemon stages. Cynthia is my favourite champion in all the games. She is the one with the most competent team and is constantly helpful throughout your journey. She is also revealed as a fellow Pokedex holder, who started on her journey way before you, creating the feeling that she's your older sister. She constantly offers her assistance throughout the journey, if only to point you towards the right direction. Her design is incredibly cool as well, and her character design is meant to take after one of her Pokemon's - Lucario. I mean, look at her team, if you used her team laddering on Pokemon Showdown, I reckon you could get quite far too.

#3. DPPt Giratina Music

      Giratina is the Pokemon equivalent of Hades, or whatever God of the Underworld. Giratina lives in the world parallel to ours, also called the Distortion World. The Distortion World is what happens to the world without Palkia and Dialga, without control of Time and Space. Everything is in chaos and it's only recognisable inhabitant is Giratina. It is a member of the creation trio, although his position may be swapped for Arceus, the God of Pokemon. He is said to be made of pure antimatter. This music suits Giratina superbly well. The very tune is chaotic and confusing at the start, with a sense of foreboding following it and then urgent danger. When this music plays in the Distortion World, you are acutely aware that you should not be there and you are intruding into a world that you don't belong in.

#2. ORAS/RSE Rayquaza Music

      Rayquaza's music fits his status as the Lord of the Skies. Rayquaza is my favourite legendary, not only because it's a glass canon, like my other favourites, but because of how it is characterised in games. In Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Red and Blue, Rayquaza is the final boss of the game. He is an aloof, majestic and noble creature, living high above the clouds in Sky Tower, a dungeon only accessible via a powerful teleportation gem. Your motive in meeting him is to destroy the gigantic meteorite heading towards the Pokemon world, by pleading the great Lord himself to do it. Rayquaza starts off the fight with a quote I remember too well - "I am a being of the sky and you are but denizens of the ground. To which there is a world destined as their own!...Let there be no mercy for those who defy the laws of nature!" In ORAS, Rayquaza and his Mega form, are part of the Zinnia episode in which he is also to destroy a meteorite heading towards the earth. Rayquaza's music starts off strong, reflecting the both the grandeur and strength of the Pokemon known as the Lord of the Skies.

#1. ORAS Zinnia Final Battle Music

      You finished the game and you thought Steven and his frigging Mega Metagross is hard, but oh, you haven't seen all ORAS has to offer yet. In the Special Zinnia episode, you meet a strange girl named Zinnia, who had been tracking you as part of the rival theme. She reveals herself as a Draconid woman, a tribe of Dragon trainers who have been protecting Hoenn for a long time. They had foreseen the falling of the meteorite and Zinnia's goal is to stop it, by collecting all the Mega Stones. When the scientists at Mossdeep created a machine for sending the meteorite into another world, Zinnia stops them, then reminding the main character that if the meteorite was send into another world, wouldn't that other world be destroyed, along with everyone that lived in it? She then brings the character to the top of Sky Pillar, where the legend of the Hoenn trio was inscribed and summon Rayquaza. However, the Mega Stones she collected were not enough to Mega evolve Rayquaza, but was finally successful when the small meteorite piece you were carrying throughout your whole journey reacted to Rayquaza. Seeing as Rayquaza has chosen you as its partner, she lets you take over her role. After you defeat Deoxys, which was disguised as the meteorite, you descend back to earth and finds that Zinnia is gone. The Whismur she left behind in her grandmother's care brings you a letter that says probably the most memorable line in the games, "I was finally able to bring everything to an end. I thank you for that. I think I'll spend some time now trying to find out if it's also possible to forge a new beginning for something once lost. Until we meet again."

      Let's also not forget how Zinnia has Mega Salamence, the Pokemon immediately banned to Ubers after ORAS was officially released.