There are plenty of people who fear change, who are obsessed with maintaining a sense of security and stability. In fact, there are two phobia terms for that - "Metathesiophobia" and "Tropophobia". Yet, for some reason or another, my fear is the exact opposite and it appears that this phobia is so rare that there is no one term for it. Or, it is extremely complicated.
I went to a local university for lunch today. It's one of the top universities both within the country and worldwide, yet, the idea that I may attend this university in the future scares me more than anything else in the world. It's not that I dislike this country - it is secure, it offers so many opportunities regardless of one's economic or social position (there is inequality, as there will always be anywhere, but it is minimised) and in fact, I believe that for a person who seeks security, they shouldn't want to move at all. That is not me, however, because it's the idea of stagnation and staying in a small country where I can travel from one end to another within 2 hours that scares me more than taking risks ever can.
Maybe it's the way I was brought up, family issues and all. Independence has always been a great part of my life. Unlike my sister, my education at home, in the early years and beyond, were largely my own initiatives. In the early years, I was brought up by a nanny, who never cared much beyond satisfying basic needs. My father, for his entire life, lives within himself and for himself - he preaches those ideas too. He never does much in the family, unless he is in an exceptionally good mood. I realised as a child that I could not bank my life upon someone whose participation in my life was solely based upon his erratic emotions. My mother was always there, but in those early years of being a parent, she was also quite liberal and allowed me to do things as I like. It's under these conditions that I grew up.
Now, that sort of independence can have 2 kinds of effects. 1, you could become extremely selfish, caring only for yourself, because that's all you know. Fortunately, I ended up with the 2nd effect, which made me a highly idealistic person, with lofty dreams that may be beyond my capabilities. I guess personally, effect 1 may be better, but for me, I think I can't live with myself if I spend my life living selfishly. I just feel like I have not realised my life.
Basically, my point is that it is independence at a young age that has made me so unshakeable when it comes to my ideals and dreams. I'm the kind of person, and I know it deeply, that would go through as much suffering as I need to go overseas to study. It's not just the academia or the prestige, I care naught for the latter, in fact. I'm fine with going to a less well-known university, as long as it is overseas. And like I said, it's not that I hate this country, I just want to expand beyond these narrow shores. Of course, I still have my personal agenda, because I would like to go to England for my studies, but the school itself doesn't matter to me.
I want to experience a society outside of the one I grew up in. I don't want to experience it, knowing it is temporary, but to experience it genuinely, as if I were to inhabit it for my entire life. Every society will be confining in its own way, but it's not ridiculous to assert that in a small country like this one, although security and stability is much higher, the feeling of freedom is suppressed. The government and nation has done much to try to alleviate the problem, but personally, I want to travel beyond the borders and feel life outside.
As I walked through the local university today, I silently asked myself - How many of these people chose to come here just because it is easier and more secure? I understand, of course, the monetary burdens, the family attachments, but the need to be free and expand my horizons is greater for me. I would rather stay true to myself, then settle for something easy. To stay true to myself is to pursue that lofty dream of mine relentlessly, because I know, even if I cannot see it completely to fruition, I would have made enough of a change in the world to have given purpose to my life. For some, their dreams could be to settle down with a family and bring happiness to that family. For that, you need security, so yes, I do understand.
And then comes the fear. I am willing to suffer as much as I need to, but what if that's not enough? What if, at the end of the day, I'm still going to have to permanently station myself here? My life could be comfortable, it could be secure, but I would have betrayed myself, I would feel like I have not lived life to the fullest. My hands were shaking as I thought of these and truth be told, I have never been so afraid. Because idealism can be deadly. It has made me adopt ideals more lofty than most, yet it'll probably drive me crazy if I can't realise it. After all, if my purpose in life lies on this, then what is life if I fail? Doesn't that purpose just disappear?
Emotional rant, I know. But as I write, I'm trying to rationalise my thoughts. It's dangerous for me to go around with the fear still so deeply embedded in my mind.
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