I believe that we exist in a society that is a little too obsessed with first impressions. Interviews are carried out on the basis of first impressions and so are blind dates. It's due to the lack of time, obviously, since we do not have the luxury of said commodity to spend hours upon hours and days upon days getting to know each and every being on this planet.
Still, I feel like this culture that has been created people that are quick to pass judgement over the smallest bit of details they have regarding another person.
What's the Problem?
Take today's hot newspaper article topic by the way: the one in which an ex-RGS student sues the school. A lot of outrage ensued and for a moment, I was caught up in it too. I found myself thinking that the girl was a terrible person who was either incredibly naive or incredibly self-centred. It was not until quite a while later, when the flood of such emotions have passed and I overheard my other classmates talking about it, that I began to question my judgements.
I wasn't eavesdropping, not in the least, since those judgements were voiced pretty loudly. I'm not quite sure whether what I remember hearing was the general consensus on the issue, but I do recall many of the people in fiery discussion calling the girl a "horrible" or a "terrible" person. It's not a fair judgement, is it?
The girl, as well as ourselves - we are at the age where we make foolish decisions and take ill-advised actions. As much as we don't want others to judge us based on one mistake we made, I'm sure we can extend the same willingness to understand towards the girl. Also, aren't we placing ourselves, very arrogantly I may add, upon a higher moral pedestal? None of us know the girl particularly well, not enough to understand her situation, her thought processes and her motivations. So who are we to pass judgement on her character? It would be horrible to imagine that just by making one mistake, the whole society decides to frame you as a terrible person.
I'm not saying that what she did was something I agree with, because it's not. I believe what she did was wrong, I believe it was misguided. However, just because what a person did was horrible does not mean that person herself is a horrible person. Actions do define a person, but this is just one incident. If we were to pass judgement just based on this, it would be an over-generalisation.
That's the problem with society today, I think. Judgements are passed too quickly one a person's character simply based on one meeting. It is important to know a person thoroughly before you make any judgements and that takes years upon years of interaction. Well, not exactly refrain from making judgements, but at least, make room for doubt. That's what I'm allowing myself to do for the girl in the article today - giving her the benefit of the doubt.
What's the Solution?
I have this person in class who asks me, albeit not in front of everyone, what I think of certain people. My answer is almost always the same - "I don't know them well enough". That's true, is it not? It does sound sad that I don't know this many people, but it's the reality. Just a single year of being in someone's company does not give you any right to claim that you know the person entirely. Everyone is extremely complex, with a character shaped by years of experience. It's rather presumptuous to make judgements just after one year, isn't it?
It is fine to pass judgements on a person's actions and that's what I normally do. I state certain situations that have happened before, followed by how that affects my impression of that person. Never once have I claimed to know anyone entirely, because I don't want to undermine the value of their life experiences. Yet, from what I see, that's not what most people do.
People are quick to judge and I'm perhaps guilty of that, at least in the moment of things. If I'm encountered with an unexpected situation, I find myself quickly trying to pass a judgement. I do calm down and re-evaluate afterwards, but when a judgement is passed towards a person, the damage cannot be undone.
So what's my solution to all this? I think that passing judgement is inevitable, because as humans, our minds constantly seek order and patterns. We have the need to classify people, categorise them, not in conventional means, but in ways that makes sense in our own minds. Because of that impulse, which comes from self-defense and need for security, we are quick to judge, quick to conclude, especially so in a fast-paced world like ours, where we don't have the time to sit down and think. My solution, therefore, is to not restrict yourself from passing judgement. Just make sure that before you are sure of your judgement, you don't voice it out, because that is what creates rumours and gossips.
Keep your mind open, I think that's also extremely important. I know my situation is unique, that is, my ability to keep my mind open. It's something I'm proud of, but I don't brag about, because it's not necessarily a good thing always. My dad has often said that I'm indecisive and weak, because I'm unwilling to pass concrete judgements and decisions until I have the full story. It's not that I don't pass them at all, it's just that I change my mind when circumstances change, making me quite unpredictable and easily swayed. It may be bad as a personality trait, I mean, you are meant to be stubborn, somewhat. I do act stubborn, but I am full of doubt, always, about everything.
What's important about this trait of mine is that you can pass first impressions. In fact, I make first impressions fairly quickly, about less than 5 minutes into knowing a person. These first impressions are not made based on conversation, simply by the way someone presents themselves and the atmosphere they bring along with them. Of course, these impressions aren't that straightforward.
An Example
For example, to use a personal example really, there's this person I know who is generally accepted as quite charismatic. However, my judgement of him right now, is highly unconventional. Charisma is there, yes, but most people believe it is backed by confidence and knowledge. That, to me, is the exact opposite. When he argues, he sounds like he knows everything, but when you dissect his argument, like you should in any debate (this is where MUN experience comes into play), you realise that he talks in the most round-the-bush ways and makes absolutely no sense. He sounds like he makes plenty of sense, but he doesn't. He isn't even confident of what he says, especially when you pay attention to the speed difference between his words. The faster he speaks, the more unsure he is. Where exactly lies the charisma then? It's in other people's judgements.
Most people aren't used to my very annoying manner of picking people's arguments apart, albeit, I don't do it openly. After all, that's the difference between debate and MUN. In debate, you pick apart arguments openly, because that is your job. In MUN, you pick open the arguments in your thoughts, but you don't voice it out unless necessary, because that would ruin the progress of discussion. In MUN, we encourage constructive argumentation, not destructive arguments. You are arguing to reach an agreement, not to completely shut another person down.
Because of this, people are easily fooled by his quick and unnecessarily complicated speech. It makes no sense. It is highly destructive and non-constructive. He often attacks the other person's points instead of building upon it. He talks in a very convoluted way. In the end, when you write everything down, you realise, there isn't much at all. Still, when you listen to the rant, it's rather impressive. A trait of the Extroverts, I believe. That's what creates the impression of charisma, the ability to cover up flaws.
Therefore, the first impression, often, for me at least, comes from what other people think of someone, i.e. "People think he is charismatic". But do "I" think the same? I don't know, not yet at least. And then comes the period of observation, which comes in different forms. In this example's case, it is the observation of his arguments, which is the key source of the first impression - "charisma". From there, I make my own conclusions, based on my own experiences or others. In this case, because I do have extensive experience in poking holes in people's arguments (I don't do it out loud because that creates too much troublesome conflict and I'm not in the mood for it...usually), I choose to rely on my own experience. Then comes face-to-face interaction, which is only necessary if you are unhappy with the first and secondary impressions.
He is quiet when not under pressure of expressing himself and it's a contemplative silence, because there is often a glint in people's eyes when their brains are moving fast. Still, there is a huge barrier and atmosphere of restraint, which means that the cover-up is still very much there. That is the extent I've reached before I gave up and that formed the final layer of impressions.
Bringing It Together
So my advice is for you to form a first impression not based on personal opinion, but on general opinion. Then, by observation (not in a creepy or intrusive way), form the secondary layer of impression. This is often the thickest layer of impression and the one that changes the most, because most judgements are formed this way. The tertiary layer is formed only when two people are friends, or have the opportunity to spend time together away from large crowds. Being away from large crowds is important, because the presence of large crowds makes people hide even further into their shells, Introverted or not. The first layer of impression should always be there, if only existing to be questioned. The secondary layer is the most actively changing one, and you should allow it to be changed with every situation you encounter, yet the changes must not be too drastic. The tertiary layer is the one that should change your judgement the most, yet most people can't get too deep in that layer. I mean, I did give up already, because frankly, at one point, you get tired of people especially when you aren't getting enough to actually contribute to the tertiary layer.
In Conclusion
Well, if you are comfortable sticking with your own methods, feel free. But I'm just suggesting my own way of doing things, which has worked so far. Maybe it's exclusive to silently contemplative people who are quite intentionally fake...like me? Maybe it works for everyone? Who knows? This is another attempt of mine to re-conciliate my thoughts after all.
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