Countdown Part 1: Maybe the Last Post?

So I actually decided to post...
     I've finally found some time to blog and do some random things without feeling too guilty about it. I must say that in all my years of studying, I have never EVER mugged this hard. In fact, I've never thought it possible that I could mug this hard. It's a very healthy mixture of fear and hope. To much fear can paralyse, but hope gives you the faith in your abilities. To hope too much can make cause complacency, but fear gives you a good reality check.

     Though I think nowadays, it is fear that is stronger...and hope? I think it's more of ambition. Ambition is more cocky and confident-sounding than hope, linguistically speaking. Hope conjures the image of a dreamy idealist who sits around all day wishing for the best. Ambition reminds me those hard-working and determined individuals, those who probably identify with eagles and lions.

The fear that brought my senses back to me
     One of my closest friend jokingly said to me, "Everyone is about to finish running and you just started?" I know she meant no harm, but it created a pang of fear in me so great that it was the closest I've come to having a panic attack. The number of "what if"s that came up in that moment. "What if it's too late?" is the one that screams the loudest to me. I mean, I do consider myself more of a realist nowadays and I take great pride in it. The question "What if I had done ___ differently?" doesn't really occur to me anymore since I have come to terms with the fact that "What's done is done. You cannot change the past. You can only alter the future." But even now, the former question is becoming less impactful. So what if it's too late? I'm not going to stop working. I have regretted too much in my teenage years and next year, I'm already turning 20. Regret is something I'm horribly accustomed to, but it has also taught me a lot. Time to start taking these lessons to heart, eh?

     Anyway, I'm not working now because I had a mock Math paper today and no matter how hard I try to do more work, my brain won't take it. It's actually throbbing in pain and I'm not about to kill myself for the little amount of reward I'm going to get from this terribly inefficient session. I must say, apart from Vectors, I am getting full marks across the board. But no, this blog isn't about things like that.

I've changed...I don't know how, but I like it.
     It's quite funny to remember that barely a month ago, I was struggling to keep myself together. Once again, just like that year with PSLE, I am a person who pulls together amazingly when the stress becomes overwhelming...like a survival instinct. Every single cell in my body comes together and decides "You know what? We are done watching this dreadfully entertaining drama. This time to get the act together."

     It's really, really amazing how my brain does it. I can't even comprehend it.

     In a snap, I came to terms with something I couldn't for a long time. And you know what the scariest thing is? I can't even tell whether that used to be an act, or I just changed enough for it to seem not "me" anymore. That whole pinning, whining, self-pitying...it doesn't disgust me...it just feels alien to me. I do have a theory though, like I do for everything.

     It all revolves the theme of "SELF-CONFIDENCE".

     It's all so cliched, but cliches are made because they are universally applicable, and so very human. I've found back my self-confidence. I tried to get it from other people, to cling, to pine, to thirst for acceptance. What a bloody cliche. The only acceptance I needed was from myself. I couldn't...wouldn't...accept myself for what I am. And it was so simple, so bloody textbook. And to accept myself, I have to face my fears...my failures. No, not to suppress, not to throw them away. I have to accept them, acknowledge them.

     I have failed, I know, academically. I can do much better than this, I know, so I must take action. Success may not come to people who work hard, but it never comes for people who don't. Even until now, I believe that I am not living for myself, but if I cannot handle myself, then how can I handle others? I wanted someone to put me back together. I gave someone the power. It was a foolish decision. Yes, I did trust the wrong person, but that wasn't the problem. No matter who I trusted, it wouldn't have worked. I broke myself apart, I will put myself back together.

     "Accept your past without regret."
   
     After CT2, I tried to hide my scores from my mom, but in actuality, I hid it from myself. I did not want to see my own failures. I did not want to accept it, that I...that someone who has always been praised for natural capacity for learning, can fail this badly. It's not bragging, I don't feel like it's something to brag about. Those who are born with learning disabilities, their failures are sometimes inevitable. I cannot use such excuses.

     Why do I always look back to Primary School? 267 for PSLE without studying. Distinction for all ABRSM Piano Grades from 1 to 6. Silver Award for Singapore Mathematical Olympiad for Primary School (SMOPS) with no training. What changed? Why couldn't I attain these anymore? It's very simple. Confidence. Not once have I ever failed in Primary School. The very idea of failure was foreign. So when I first failed in RGS, it hit me harder than anything in the world. The entire notion of a rose-coloured world fell apart. It took so many years for me to find back that confidence.

     No, it is an improvement. In Primary School, it was pure, snarky arrogance, the kind you saw in Draco Malfoy. Now, it is confidence, the confidence that through hard work, I can become better. No, not better than those around me, but better than I was yesterday.

     And so, after lying in bed for 5 hours, thinking about whether I should cheat my way out of signing the progress report, I closed my eyes momentarily and got up. If I lied, if I cheated, it's not only towards my mom, but to myself. If I wanted to redeem myself, to do well for A levels, to gain back confidence, I need to stop lying to myself. Yes, I failed. Yes, I did horribly. So what will I do about it now? Hey, I call myself an INFJ right? Start looking into the future.

     When my mother signed the report, she cried - silently sobbed. And that was when the second moment of realisation hit me. Mom, the one person I would die to protect under any circumstance. How ironic that it was ultimately me that made her cry. My dad can say all kinds of horrid things to her, hit her and she will maintain that stony face and glare back icily. In the end, it was me who broke her strength. If I want my mother to be happy, I have to work hard. And that was my second realisation.

     Just by signing a progress report, I not only found in myself the ability to accept my past failures and allow those to spurn me forward, I also reinforced my goals and redirected myself in life. I may still fail, but now I know that I won't run away or crumble. Just like I did with Prelims, I won't cry and worry about hiding it. I will take it as a lesson and move on from there. I suppose then, that I've matured in the area of "acceptance of failure".

     "Handle your presence with confidence."

     "What if it's too late to work hard?"

     It could be, but does it matter? If you lose your confidence, if you believe that it is too late, then it really is too late. Fear does me nothing in this case but wrong. It clogs my thoughts, it makes me panic, it distracts me. But I find that on the bed, whenever I panic, what comes after is a rush of inspiration and determination. "Too late?" Well, you never know until the end, do you? If it is too late, then it is out of your control anyway. Stop worrying about what you cannot control and work on what you can control, which is studying efficiently.

     "Face your future without fear."
   
     "What if I still fail in the end?"

     Then try something else. If everyone is going to kill themselves once they fail, then humans would have been extinct. A levels is a huge milestone in a student's life, but it does not determine whether you should live or die. It just determines how easy your life will be from now on. And like I said, control the now and it will affect your future. Don't speculate your future. It's just like speculating on currency - if you believe, then it will be. Work hard, have confidence and success will come.

What did I see in him?
     I always thought a day would come when I look back to those days and laugh at myself, and the day has finally arrived. From every perspective, it seems really ridiculous what had happened. I was pinning after a guy that really doesn't deserve it. What was I being attracted to? ...I really don't know.

     I'm not even attempting an insult, I'm past that point. I am just genuinely and honestly confused about what exactly I found attractive. Every single distinct trait of his is actually quite repulsive to me, even to the extent of things he cannot control. It's very mean of me, but I am being rather blunt here. I was reacquainted with this guy from Primary School and though, no, we are not dating and I am not even the least bit interested in doing so, he did open my eyes and made me acknowledge a lot of this.

     Ice-skating was the first thing I did with this guy and I was suddenly struck by the fact that "I bloody missed this." It was not just that, obviously. There was a point that I fell on my butt, quite embarrassingly, and he just skated over and laughed. A small issue, yeah, but it revealed so much to me - I hated pretentiously nice people and liked people who dared to be blunt. A "gentleman" would have helped me up or something so very pretentious, but it was actually more heartwarming when he stood next to me laughing as I struggled to get up, then skating away as fast as possible when I tried to push him down. He, like so many of the other Primary School guy friends I met a few weeks ago, had such bright and distinct personalities.

    Perhaps it is my fault that I cannot see the personality of the person I liked, but obviously no apology is offered. If I could not see it, then maybe I was not meant to see it. I think that at one point, I was so desperate to see a distinct personality from him, my brain started to make one up. I'm not even trying to make an insult out of that anymore. I'm not saying "oh, he has no personality". I'm saying "I cannot see his personality for the life of me and I'm not going to try to see something that is invisible to me."

     And then there was pool and it's the same thing again - realisation. This other Primary School friend of mine is bloody amazing at pool, but I didn't feel that kind of constant annoyance I felt towards that person I "liked" (because now it's pretty clear that I actually didn't). He screwed himself over so many times by doing trick shots and jump shots that were clearly not the best way, but he did them anyway. I was reminded in those instants, when I played pool with the guy I "liked". He is a coward in every single way possible, at least in my eyes. Once again, I must emphasise that I'm not trying to put him down. Maybe it's quite appealing to other girls, I don't know, but I do like guys who know how to joke around, play pranks and take risks.

     Why? Well, you see, when the guy laughed at me when I fell, I felt the strong urge to stand up and one-up him. Growth. He made me want to overcome my own weaknesses and prove my worth. When the other guy did trick shots, I realised that I wasn't enjoying myself because of the game, but because of the company. His laughter and joking personality was infectious.

    Back then, when I played pool with the guy I thought I liked, I enjoyed the game because it is pool. But now, I enjoyed myself because of who I was playing with and I would have been happy even if it was a game I disliked. That is the difference.

And then I moved past it...almost miraculously
     I think somehow, in the back of my mind, I was always aware of all this. Not just in the back of my mind, I think, I had my doubts even on the surface. Yet, I still clung on...why?

     I didn't want to grow up.

     I am a person who retained into a batch a year younger than me. Maybe in terms of accepting failure and romantic relationships, I was still a quite behind, but I was always very aware of the kind of emotional maturity I had over others. No, not compassion or anything like that. Those are, to me, actually signs of immaturity and over-idealism. I meant emotional maturity in terms of consistency between rationality and emotions. This is a conclusion drawn after a discussion with a certain INTJ over Whatsapp.

     I'm not a very openly warm or kind person, both because of upbringing and my own personality. But my emotional maturity comes from the fact that despite being quite an easily emotional person, I've always, since childhood, attempted to find a logical explanation for everything I am feeling. Over time, over the years, I have developed the ability to create consistency between logic and feeling. So instead of being very angry and taking it out on people, I can always find the exact reason why I felt angry, what escalated it and what calmed me down. It's actually a kind of self-awareness I'm advocating for.

     For example, I've always said I disliked selfish people, but I do respect them for their decision. However, what I cannot respect and detest are people who are very selfish but genuinely believe in their selflessness. Maybe it's not the way he really is, but the guy that I "liked" comes under this category. He believes himself to be selfless, but every act of selflessness he does seems so shallow and so pretentious...agreeable. It's very on-the-surface, masking a deeply judgemental inner belief. And that to me is a horrendous form of deceit - to make someone think you agree with them and their behaviour, yet actually dislike it on the inside. For example, I have a friend who likes fashion. I didn't go ahead and act like I'm all elated about it, because I don't like it. I stated it very clearly to her that I disagree, but also respected her own opinion. And it is because of that, she says, that she respects me, because I am honestly about it and not pretending to like what she does.

     Then things that actually matter to me, in the concept of being selfless, he is painfully selfish. And he doesn't see it! Sometimes I think that something must be wrong with me, because it's so obvious to me that he is so selfish. And he even dares come and ask me about it...that deepens the layer. If you cannot see something that is supposed to matter so much to you...then either 1. I'm wrong and you have no reason to ask me, or 2. you are lying to yourself. Selfishness is not wrong, so a person who wholly believes in being selfless is definitely lying to himself or others.

     And how is this relevant? Well, a lot of people in the class has fallen for his deceit and think of him as a very mature person. I'm honestly just sitting there with my eyebrows so high they completely flew off my face because "Really? Are you so blind?" or maybe, like I said, it's just the way I see him. It doesn't matter. Not going to pursue that matter. But the matter I am pursuing is that, in my own eyes, I am already more mature than people my age when it comes to self-awareness and consistency of logic and emotions. To admit that my crush was just a game to entertain myself means that I deepen that level of consistency and extend it to the romantic category. I don't want to feel so much older than the others.

     It is then denial, the need to fit in, that drove me to pine for so long. It is rather regretful that I allowed myself to be drawn too much into my own game that it permeated into my other problems. I'm just glad that this whole nonsense is over.

Where to go from here
     I have come to terms with my own level of maturity, which I am aware is a few years older than me. But through interacting with my Primary School friends, most of which are older than me (note that they are out of NS by the way), I feel like I am no longer in any danger of wanting to deny myself of that maturity. After all, I sought their advice and I felt like, for once, these are people who are on the same page as me.

    I have come to terms with my own failures and know that I have to work hard, and I'm working hard. I am scared of failing, but it will not stop me from working. I do feel like at this point, even if I fail, I will be able to cope with it, on my own, and not fall into the spiral of clinging and clinging onto someone else. I've found my self-confidence back, the one that was lost almost 6-7 years ago.

Random Nonsense #23

     I think Tokyo Ghoul is starting to become one of those mainstream anime that newcomers to the Anime universe tend to invoke as their rite of passage. That and Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titan, as most Westerners call it). It's as if the phrase "I've watched Tokyo Ghoul/SnK" proves that you are an ardent fan of Anime. Well, it's a bloody insult to someone like me, who has been watching Anime ever since the start of Primary School and been through so many genres that sometimes I can't keep track of what I've finished.

      I've read psychological horror, like Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (When the Cicadas Cry) and Uzumaki (Spiral), that made me sleep with the lights on for 2 whole months. I've read light-hearted and ridiculous childish shows, like Yumeiro Patissiere and all three seasons of Shugo Chara, that made me embarrassed for even being slightly entertained...and having a crush on the Tsundere boy character (INTJs again, I'm sorry). And then there's the Romances, comedic like Ouran High School Host Club (OHSHC), My Little Monster and Kaichou wa Maid-sama, then very touching ones like Angel Beats and Anohana. Of course, what I've watched from the start until now, the long-lasting series like Naruto and Bleach, the former of which I grew up with.

The Psychological Horror Genre (skip this if you have a weak heart)
     I prefer these in manga form, since the colour and bad art can take away from the atmosphere. These pictures still scare the shit out of me, especially since my kind of good memory makes me remember exactly what the scenes are.
a) Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (When Cicadas Cry)

b) Uzumaki (Spiral)

Light-Hearted Childish Anime
     I don't even know why I am entertained by these kinds of Anime. Well, they are perfect for watching after reading a horror manga because all you want to do at that point is to curl up in bed with all the lights on and watch cute stuff. I don't know what it is about Japanese horror. I have become immune to jump scares in that I recover in less than 5 seconds, but the subtle horror of the Japanese variant haunts me for months. Also, I like Tsukiyomi Ikuto from Shugo Chara, though even as a kid I thought it was very freaky how he was way too skinny. Seems like I had an appreciation for muscles even as a kid...how shallow of me.
a) Yumeiro Patissiere

b) Shugo Chara

Comedic Romances
     Like the above, I watch these when I just need something to feel a shallow kind of happiness. I think this is the option I go with when I don't want to feel sheepishly guilty about watching a show way below my age group. Also, it's romance and I'm a girl. As much as I don't behave like one most of the times and have more shared interests with guys than with girls, one shared interest I don't have is that...well...I am undoubtedly straight and I like romance, at times. Also, these kind of gentlemenly guys who are cheeky and kind...and secretly very physically attractive (the unrealistic abs and such), are very unrealistic for me so...it's a kind of fantasy maybe?
a) Ouran High School Host Club

      It's a hard choice for me to pick between Kyouya Ootori and Hikaru Hitachiin. Usually people can't choose between the Hitachiin twins, but for me, I like the older Hikaru more. If you think the two of them are too similar, then you haven't watched the show to its completion. They have quite the contrasting personality. As for Kyouya and Hikaru, it's not that I prefer one over the other. I think I like Kyouya more as an Anime character, that kind of cool and aloof guy who is rather nerdy and smartassed. But if I have to picture them in reality, then I think I prefer Hikaru...he's quite an ENTP.

b) My Little Monster

     I think I've voiced my opinion on Yoshida Haru vs Yoshida Yuuzan before. Usually I like the younger brothers of brother pairs in Anime, but I guess Yuuzan is an exception. I mean take a look at Ao no Exorcist, I like Yukio more than Rin. Look at Naruto, I like Sasuke more than Itachi (here comes the flood of hate). Twins are an exception, as in the previous anime. But I like Yuuzan more...because he is scarily, and suspiciously, optimistic about everything. He also seems to be twisted in his own way and has hidden motives. Makes for a more interesting character, don't you think?

c) Kaichou wa Maid-sama

     Everyone loves Takumi Usui, yes, yes. But have you ever thought about it...how much Igarashi Tora reminds you of Draco flipping Malfoy? Arrogant, check. Rich, check. Prestigious family, check. Blonde, almost platinum-blonde, check. Aristocratic, yet infuriatingly haughty handsome, check. Yeah, Igarashi Tora is Draco Malfoy. And you know what. Draco Malfoy is probably the only fictional character who is:
1. My most hated character personality-wise, but because he is so damn attractive, my shallow side actually wins over and I totally still have my crush intact from like...the first movie, when he was a kid and I was a kid.
2. I actually ship enthusiastically (Draco x Hermione, Dramione for short) with another character, but still won't lay my flipping hands off. Like I ship Cherik, and I like Charles, but I'll abandon him for the ship. I won't do that for Draco Malfoy.
     So I'll come down as the most shallow girls in the history of shallow because we Harry Potter fans all know what a cowardly piece of shit Draco Malfoy is and how over the clouds his arrogance is. But I can't help feeling sympathy for his situation and wanting to believe that he can be a better person. That or he is absolutely charming and looks like a bloody prince. Platinum blonde hair and silver-gray eyes? How the hell do you even get that among these...mudbloods? I cant say that, by the way, I'm like 45% Slytherin...55% Ravenclaw.

Touching Romances
     It's like I love torturing myself. I cry very easily when I am able to feel what the characters feel. But make no mistake, I don't actually approve of certain things and feel disgusted by the way some guys in the anime treat girls like they are fragile...I'll show you fragile when I snap your leg in half. I can just feel the emotion of the character...through the screen.
a) Angel Beats

     Some people would think I like Hideki Hinata from the number of times I cried at the scene where he confessed to Yui. Actually, I cry every single time. It's like age doesn't harden me up or something. But no, I don't like him, at all. Just because he becomes a meaningful character once throughout the show doesn't clear up his name as the main comedic character. Yeah, screw comedic characters, unless they've got a really deep side like the Hitachiin twins. I like Yurippe. Many reasons for that, but yes, a female character. Woohoo.

b) Ano Hana

     These two...Tsuruko and Yukiatsu...they come as a pair. I like them as a pair. I don't care what anyone says. If they disprove of this pairing, or ship Yukiatsu with Menma, I will fight the shit out of that person. I will flay their remains over the world and tear them into pieces. If these two aren't a pair after the amount of shit Tsuruko has to put up with, then I don't know...Tsuruko must be a bloody idiot. Usually, in animes, if a character sticks with another character for that long because she has romantic feelings for him, they will bloody end up together. Look at Naruto and Hinata. She stuck with him for like...I don't know...and they worked out. I would call these two bloody idiots, because no one in reality would even do that unless they have no life and no aspirations, but its an anime.

My Nostalgic Feels - Popular Shounen Anime
     Ah yes, these anime that I grew up with. I grew up with the Harry Potter characters and at the same time, the Naruto characters. The same love I have for Harry Potter, knowing all the names of the spells, even the different subjects taken at Hogwarts, having my own house (it used to be Slytherin, now I'm in Ravenclaw) and my own wand. That kind of love is also the love I have for the Naruto series and what it has taught me. Naruto and Sasuke in particular. Well...Bleach is nostalgic too, but you don't actually grow up with the characters.
a) Naruto

     Yes, I am a scum. I like Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and now I like the biggest scum in Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke. I've explained why even after the kind of turn his personality took, I still persist in liking him. It's not that his personality changed, per se, he is still the cold Tsundere INTJ Sasuke, it's just the "deepening of an existing problem", which seems to be something I apply to INTJs a lot. Anyway, Sasuke...what can I say? I tried to climb a bloody tree like him, by concentrating chakra on the bottom of my feet. But just like how I'm actually a filthy mudblood, I also have no ninja skills. I fell on my bloody back. I tried to do the Goukakyou no Jutsu, aka Great Fireball Jutsu, and Chidori, but I also failed. Sigh, I wanted to learn Sasuke's jutsus man!

b) Bleach

     Do you not see the pattern here? Draco Malfoy. Igarashi Tora. Uchiha Sasuke. Kuchiki Byakuya. Prestigious family, rich, arrogant, regarded within their shows as good-looking. Yeah, I'm shallow as hell...or I just tend to like INTJs in shows. Anyway, Kuchiki Byakuya, the frigging guy who makes pink look like that manliest colour just by the "I can't find a fuck to give" face he has while using his bankai. And he cuts people into a little pieces as they explode in blood with those pink petals. Yup, very lethal and manly. Also, Byakuya as a kid is bloody adorable. What's with these snobby, arrogant fucks who look like the cutest things when they were kids? Tell me you didn't have a bloody crush on the little arrogant git that was Draco Malfoy back when you were like 7 or 8. I dare you. You had a crush on the little blonde, admit it. On second thought, don't. I go all Yandere when fangirling.

     It's a bloody insult, is what it is, when people watch just one anime and then declare themselves an Anime fan. Also, it doesn't help that half the people who watch Tokyo Ghoul have only watched the Anime, when the Manga is much longer and complicated. The Anime was good, but it lacked a lot of the things the Manga had and...I don't know why they ended it the way they did. I guess I shouldn't be complaining. I was defending the Harry Potter movies and LOTR movies despite having read the books. They weren't exactly loyal to the books...might I remind everyone how they totally condensed a whole chapter of Snape's memories into 30 seconds? And yes, I read almost all the Harry Potter books before the movies came out. I don't even understand why my parents excuse my sister for not being able to read them as a 9-year old when I read them as a 7-year old having come from China.

     Anyway, that's not the point. I'm just rather annoyed, I suppose, that the deeper meaning of certain shows is lost on some people. Tokyo Ghoul is very thought-provoking and does it not make you wonder - what would you have done in Kaneki's situation? Would you have continued to remain "kind", yet naively hurting everyone? Or would you have chosen to harden up and learn to be selfish, with the knowledge that to preserve some, you had to give up others?

     The opening of Tokyo Ghoul, Unravel, is a beautiful song that reflects Kaneki's own doubts. The fact that within the song, he keeps repeating lines that distinctly contradict - "I'm breakable, unbreakable", etc - shows that sort of uncertainty and the entire moral subjectivity of his actions. But I think the lines that appeal to me and I am able to relate to the most is "I've completely changed; I can't change back" followed by a few lines later "Think back on who I was" and "So please just remember me." You know that Kaneki doesn't like what he has to become, in order to protect what is precious to him, and the maturity of it all - that he has decided to pull through and change himself - makes him a rather likeable character.

     Anyway, here is the entire kanji lyrics and translated lyrics, accompanied by the fight between Kaneki and Jason, aka the one who tortured him to the point of change.

Kanji Lyrics:
教えて　教えてよ　その仕組みを
僕の中に誰がいるの？
壊れた　壊れたよこの世界で
君が笑う何も見えずに

壊れた僕なんてさ　息を止めて
解けないもう　解けないよ　真実さえ freeze
壊せる　壊せない　狂える　 狂えない
あなたを見つけて

揺れた　歪んだ世界にだんだん僕は　透き通って見えなくなって
見つけないで僕のことを　見つめないで
誰かが描いた世界の中で　あなたを傷つけたくはないよ
覚えていて僕のことを　鮮やかなまま

無限に広がる孤独がくるまる
無邪気に笑った記憶が刺さって
動けない　解けない
動けない　解けない
動けない　動けないよ
Unravelling the world

変わってしまった　変えられなかった
二つがくるまる　二人が滅びる
壊せる　壊せない　狂える　狂えない
あなたを汚せないよ

揺れた　歪んだ世界にだんだん僕は　透き通って見えなくなって
見つけないで僕のことを　見つめないで
誰かが仕組んだ孤独な罠に　未来が解けてしまう前に
覚え出して僕のことを　鮮やかなまま

忘れないで　忘れないで
忘れないで　忘れないで

変わってしまった　ことに paralyse
変えられない　ことだらけの paradise
覚えていて僕のことを

教えて　教えて　僕の中に誰がいるの？

Translated Lyrics:
Tell me, tell me, how it works
Just who lies within me?
I'm broken, broken in the midst of this world
But you're smiling, blind to it all

I'm broken anyway, so I halt my breath
Not even the truth can unravel, no not even the truth. Even reality freezes.
I'm breakable, unbreakable; going insane, unable to lose my mind
I've found you

I'm standing here in a twisted, shaking world. I'm empty and cannot be seen.
Please don't find me...don't look at me.
In this world that someone else imagined, I just don't want to hurt you.
So please remember me - my full, vivid self.

Entangled in the loneliness that fans out endlessly
Strung by the memory of smiling so innocently
I can't move, I can't unravel
I can't move, I can't unravel
I can't move, I can't move
Unravelling the world

I've completely changed; I can't change back
The two entwine; the couple disintegrates
I'm breakable, unbreakable; going insane, unable to lose my mind
I won't defile you

I'm standing here in a twisted, shaking world. I'm empty and cannot be seen.
Please don't find me...don't look at me
Before the future comes completely undone, caught in a pit of solitude set for me
Think back on who I was - my full, vivid self

Don't forget me. Don't forget me.
Don't forget me. Don't forget me.

The change has made me paralysed
In an immutable object paradise
So please just remember me

Tell me, tell me, is there someone inside of me?

     I know this is the worst segue ever, but now for some MBTI...as I scroll through Tumblr...on my phone.

5 Stages of INFJ Stress Levels
Level 1: Ruffled
    I lose my train of though. My words come out huffy and bumbled. I get a little hot and mad that I'm sounding semi-incoherent. My face may flush.

Level 2: Frazzled
     My desk is messy. Or maybe it's my car. Or, my closet. Some place in my bedroom. My bed is unmade. I have this nagging feeling that something is undone or unchecked. I'm slightly less patient than normal and slightly sharper with my words. My hair is somewhat out of place. I'm hurrying a little bit more than usual.

Level 3: Stressed
     I'm behind on my chores. Behind on my paperwork. Behind on everything. I've got headaches, or back pain. My stress is internalised and it's manifesting physically. I'm tired. There's no hiding my shortness of temper now. I'm cross and it shows.

Level 4: Really Stressed
     I'm exhausted. I'm in bed. I'm overtly and overly sensitive. I'm either not talking to you, crying and immobile or I'm tearing you to shreds with my unguarded, obviously angry words. I'm putting off everything I need to do, in denial of the impending due date. In exchange, I'm neat-freak-cleaning at 2am, organising shoes and doing all the little things I've been putting off for months. I'm in super "DON'T TOUCH THAT" mode. Don't touch that. Don't touch me. Don't look at me. Don't breathe too loudly. Why are you breathing the same air as I am? GO. A.WAY.

Level 5: My Whole World is Ending
     Total internal/external destruction. My guard is down. My hair is down. My altruistic nature has calloused and my heart is seared. My intensity has become my propensity and my once empathetic spirit has ceased to exist. At this point, I honestly couldn't care less. I'm indulging in every immoral pleasure that this world has to offer, consequences be damned and it makes me sick to my stomach. This INFJ will combust in 5...4...3...2...And the world is worse off for it.

MBTI Conversation Starter Pack
ISFJ: "How was your day?"
*Frowns* *Irritated glare* "Okay, I guess. And I suppose I should ask "How's yours?""*Rolls eyes*

ISTP: "Sup. Good."
*Smirks* "Good. Sup." I like this person. Cool, laid-back, not pretentiously polite.

INFJ: "How are you?" *stares into your soul as they already know the answer*
Yeah, I suppose I rarely ask such questions while expecting an answer. I do so for a reaction, or to keep to social norms.

ENFJ: "I saw you earlier but i was on my way to the Women's Advocate lunch. Omigosh there was this person...People say they're feminist but then they do X, it's so disgustingly hypocritical! ...How have you been!"
*Weird stare* Did I ask this bloody bloke to narrate his day to me? Do I look like I care? ...Hypocritical...everyone is hypocritical e.g. you saying that someone else is hypocritical. *Forced smile* "I'm great."

ESFJ: *To an introvert* "Come on! You have to talk to me! How's school going?!"
"Tch...can you not be so loud and excited? It's okay." *Sideways stare as I walk away*

ESFP: "Hi! *starts singing badly and loudly to Taylor Swift* *runs into a wall for comedic effect*
*Pretends that I didn't notice ESFP's presence and walks away as fast as possible*

ISTJ: *to ESFP* "What are you doing?"
"Good question. I have no idea." *Nods and walks away*

ENFP: "Hey! *executes secret handshake with completely stranger*"
*Resists the urge to smirk in amusement* Loud, but rather adorable in that weird way...rather like an overly excited dog.

INTJ: *Is getting odd looks from doing ENFP's handshake so well* "What...?"
"Nobody expects us to be friends with an ENFP is "what", except I think mine is more believable." *Shrugs* "See you around, bro."

ISFP: *Is oblivious to the awkwardness* "Hey, we should have a secret handshake! Ready?"
*Hisses* "Hey, drop it. Don't patronise INTJ anymore. He's already being judged!"

ESTJ: "Hi! Did you get that job you applied for?"
"Yes. Obviously."

ENTJ: "Yes, but I turned it down because I got an interview for presidency."
*Snorts* "Show off." *Secretly very impressed*

INTP: "Lol. There was this Obama thing on the internet..."
*Stops in interest* ....... "Oh, you mean ___. I saw that already." *Loses interest and leaves*

INFP: "Would you like to hear this poem about ___?"
"......Hello to you too. Sure, if you want to." Just because I don't want to deal with your depressed expression if I don't.

ENTP: "No, but..." *Going into another heated argument* *ISFJ leaves, crying*
Sighhh... "Dude, did you have to? By the way, if we follow the thinking that ____, you are actually wrong." *Glares* "Hmph, admit it, I win."

ESTP: *turns to ENTP* *Everyone else leaves, crying*
*Stares in amusement* The brainless jock vs the cheeky ass who won't stop arguing? Hmmmm~

MBTI and Knowledge for It's Own Sake
ESTP: Does it relate to what I'm currently doing? Is it about people or events?
Power is knowledge, my friend. It may not be related now, but it could be important in the future.

ESTJ: I know many extremely practical things.
Oh, would you like me to hire you then? *Smirks* Practical knowledge is better used for application.

ESFP: I like (or am bored) that *you* know these things.
And I suppose that's because you are dumb as hell and have never thought about it? Yeah, though so.

ESFJ: Can I use it?
Again...why does practicality matter so much to Sensing types? I know it is what defines them, but see the link between theory and practice, for goodness sake!

ENTP: I am a sponge and I think deeply about everything I soak up.
And that is incredibly attractive in a person, I must admit. Someone who is able to converse with wit and intelligence about everything, with his own opinion. Again, I don't want to be given a link to a document...I know Google too, thanks.

ENTJ: I have to learn everything for my plan.
Then I'll learn everything to ruin it...if I don't already know.

ENFP: Learning, yay!
*Raises an eyebrow* Hmmm...you are interested? So, did you know that penicillin is made from fungi and that you can treat fungal infections with fungi antibiotics? And did you know about the Marshmallow Test? *Continues to no end*

ENFJ: Mad respect.
*Huffs* Of course.

ISTP: Educating yourself is good self-improvement.
I agree, but you don't seem to like some of my more theoretical knowledge though.

ISTJ: More things I know, more there is to know.
That's what's beautiful about knowledge. You continue growing infinitely.

ISFP: Knowledge and theory translated into artistic expression.
That's impressive. I respect people who can focus knowledge into one area of passion and develop a niche. I just tend to know a whole bunch of random stuff.

ISFJ: I value smarts in people, but I'd rather be practical.
But have you thought about how ___, maybe it's because ___ but that I read that ___ *Completely aware that the ISFJ is lost/does not care, but continues anyway*

INTP: The world fills me with wonder.
Me too, INTP, me too.

INTJ: I have a theory and an experiment to prove it.
Oh? Please tell. I would like to refine it by argument before you test it out.

INFP: Cool! i like absorbing new information, but I'm not devoted to uncovering it myself.
Really? Are you not curious about why ___ is ___? I read __, __ and __ about it, but I think it's more a combination of all that and it's really ___ but I can't exactly prove it.

INFJ: I have to learn a lot to back up the intuitive leaps I make.
And that is why I love my type. Intuitive with no logical backup pushes my curiosity to search for rationality.

NFs/NTs in the MBTI Community
ENFJ: On a therapeutic mission, answers EVERYTHING patiently.
You know what's wrong with even the most typical of ENFJs? They are too BORING. Patient? I love pushing people's limits and teasing them. These people will take my verbal beating, take it to heart and then not even give me a funny reaction. Fucking annoying.

INFJ: Cutest klutz with the weirdest posts. Learns code.
I do know HTML coding, from doing blogging. Also, define "weird". "weird" is something you don't understand, and thus it is knowledge. Bitch, I win.

ENFP: Ne-ing all over the place, multi-fandom expert
My go-to blogs for finding fan pictures then. Love you guys.

INFP: Klutzier than the INFJs, but in pastel colours, also: best replies
Klutzier than INFJs? That's like walking-into-walls-every-second kind of klutzy!

ENTJ: Types everything and everyone, has a clean template
*Raises hand guiltily* I tend to type people too, easier to get a vague understanding first.

INTJ: Trying to figure out the cognitive functions (surprise!)
*Fist bump* We should be best friends then! Did I mention I really do like the company of INTJs, the stereotypical ones?

ENTP: Random conversations with fellow ENTPs and ENFPs.
Awww...these people won't talk to us, sigh. I guess they rather instigate an argument in real life then. It's better since I'll get to see the look of defeat when I inevitably win.

INTP: Has no particular objective, but casually gathers tons of useless meme knowledge.
Memes are cool!

MBTI and Language
Prefers to know a lot of languages in a medium level: ESFJ, ENTP, ESFP, ISFP
That's really cool! I'm impressed by people who know a lot of languages, but it's not very practical to know a lot at a medium level, is it?

Prefers to know a few languages in a high level: ISFJ, INFP, ESTJ, INFJ, ENTJ
Yup! I would like to pick up German or something after As. Would really be cool, useful and fascinating to learn.

Prefers body language: ENFP, ESTP, ENFJ
....Back to the stone-age you go then...*sneers* ...uneducated cavemen.

Prefers communicating in binary system: INTP, ISTP, ISTJ, INTJ
That's pretty cool! I don't know anything about binary...maybe I should try a little.

Weekday Rants #18

     I'm not exactly proud of it, but I did take a whole day of break today from doing work. I feel like I need it, after having pushed myself through a few days of intense mugging, but I don't feel like I deserve it. I suppose my friend was right - Prelims did slap me really hard in the face. It was the kind of feeling I got during the paper. No, I wasn't unprepared to the point that I was helpless. I was as prepared as I had ever been for any paper, but I know that that's not enough. And then I look forward at the person sitting in front of me - its always a hardworking person. I felt guilty, and then I felt impatient with myself. How long do I plan to stand here while everyone else overtakes me? What right do I have to cry over my results when I did not put in even 10% of the effort they put in?

     Still, I know when I have to stop and take a break. I've had friends who were so hardworking that they sleep only 2-3 hours everyday for 3 months straight before even the Prelims. No, they didn't even try multitasking - watching Youtube and doing work at the same time - like I always do. They literally work 24/7. However, even though I have immense respect for people like that, I find that rather foolish, because it is rather impractical for humans with normal levels of stamina to persevere for that long. Also, they collapsed before the exam and their health got in the way of their rewards. In Chinese, that is called 事倍功半, which means to put in a lot of effort to get a less than proportionate amount of reward. It's like...having an elastic demand or something. Ok, that's a stupid analogy.

     Anyway, I think taking Literature has ruined my fanfiction reading experience. I was reading the following extract:

     "The woman in front of me, she was like a turbulent river, cascading around me and trapping me in the rapid currents of her passion; like a wild forest fire, scorching and engulfing my very spirit. But my wife, the one holding my hand so gently next to me, she was by distinct contrast, the calm surfacing of a stagnant pond, emitting the warmth of a small hearth-fire."

     It is quite nicely-written, up to my demands on the language skills of a fanfiction author, but I cannot seem to get the picture of Ellen Olenska and May Welland from The Age of Innocence out of my head. Granted, the main character is nothing like Newland Archer, since he is the keyword I used to search up the fanfiction anyway. I cannot separate the characters of the two women in the fanfiction from the two in the novel I'm studying. It also doesn't help that while this author has done a good job with maintaining a respectable standard for the language use in his/her story, he/she has managed to make the female characters extremely OOC. For those unaccustomed to the terms used fanfiction, OOC means "Out of Character".

     But I didn't stick much to this idea and instead went on to thinking more about the content of the extract. So just like Newland Archer, this character is married to a woman who he does love, but with less of a passionate kind of love than he has for this other woman. Since the situation is so similar, I'll just discuss it in relation with Ellen Olenska and May Welland, the former of which is the woman Newland Archer has an affair with and the latter of which is his wife (taking from the second part of the novel).

     Now, in the given context that he is already married, then I have no qualms or hesitations in saying that he is completely in the wrong and that he should have no choice between the two women. It has nothing to do with marriage being a sacred institution, ordained by God, or whatever religious people preach. I am someone who proudly develops her values based on observations and experiences, rather than inherited values that are blindly and doggedly followed "just because" they are there. Instead, I think of marriage as a promise. I don't think that anyone should break a promise - because in the first place, you made the decision of making that promise.

     What I mean is that, in any situation where you created the ultimate conditions for failure, you are then responsible for failure. In other words, in The Age of Innocence, when May Welland offers Newland Archer a chance to leave her for this affair she suspects him of being involved in, Newland Archer made an active decision. His decision to stay on in the engagement and to even push it forward created the conditions of a marriage that binds him to May. He wasn't forced into making that "promise", so when he broke it, it is his fault.

     Think of it this way. If you promised your friend that you would keep notes for her, then it would be wrong of you to not keep notes for her. However, if you didn't make that promise and you didn't make notes for her, then you can't be blamed for your shortcomings, because you didn't take on the obligation to fulfill that duty.

     Let's move away from discussing the rightness of the main character's decision. As for the fanfiction, I have not yet reached the part of his decision and since I am extremely biased towards him, I'm most likely to not impose as much blame on him as I did on Newland Archer. Newland Archer...he represents, to me, the most obnoxious and retarded kind of guy. He is referred to as "intelligent" in the introduction and that is the most blasphemous thing I've read.

     Another thing to discuss would be the decision itself. The fire and ice motif, or the contrast between passionate love and comforting love. In the fanfiction, the main character does say that he loves his wife, but is unable to find the same passion in her - "As hard I wished it, my heart never skipped a beat in her presence, but when she laid her hand on me comfortingly, she could calm me instantly." I prefer the imagery in the fanfiction more, to be honest, because the author is doing a better comparison - contrasts become ironically more distinct when it is seen between two things of a similar quality.

     Personally, I would always choose the passionate love over the comforting love. It makes me seem a little hedonistic, but it's not because I'm current high on hormones or anything like that. It's just that the alternative scares me. The idea of stagnation always scares me. When you are stuck in a situation that is deceptively comfortable and peaceful in comparison to whatever reality is in the outside world, you end up becoming trapped. And what is scarier is that it is a trap of your own creation. When a person becomes contented with what they have and believe that they cannot be happier than they already are, they lose the human impulse to want to improve and strive for more. It is the lack of something that creates the movement towards obtaining it.

     Think about it, when you really desired something like a game, or score on an exam, everything in your being becomes focused on it and your consciousness pushes you to pursue it. However, the moment you attain it, you lose that kind of drive, not just in pursuing that one goal, but in general. This quite an interesting human phenomenon.

     No, it's not something that I read from a book. If everything you know about the world is only obtained from reading, then you aren't going to be too smart. Books assist learning, most of my knowledge is obtained through careful thinking and then double checking to see if my deductions are correct. Therefore, when people throw me links to documents the moment I start discussing a certain psychological phenomenon, I automatically assume that the person must be incredibly stiff in the brain. I like to create and generate theories by pingponging ideas off people who are equally apt at using their own brain to figure things out. I do not want to discuss an idea with a document, because if that's what I'm supposed to do, why the hell am I even talking to you?

     Anyway, my whole point is that, a person who creates passion is also more likely to create a thrust factor in your life (no pun intended, *cough cough*). It is, after all, the warmth of the hearth-fire isn't going to propel you to move anywhere and you are more likely to just lay down and enjoy the warmth. The burn of the forest fire will make you run instead. Similarly, the stagnant pool of water is filled with water that is calm and never-moving, but is known as "dead water" in Chinese for a reason. In contrast, the river will bring you down its course and you have to fight the white water rapids in order not to drown. What is the point of life if you are just going to be content and stagnate? Keep moving forward and never stop wanting to move forward. That should be the way to go.

     So I'll actually encourage him to leave his wife for the other woman? Hell yeah. Especially since in the fanfiction, it is an arranged marriage, so it removes my given clause of an "active decision".

     Now for FamilyJules7x's covers and some Pokemon remixes by GlitchxCity. I seem to have unlimited respect for people who have talent in things they are passionate about. What? That's everyone? That's not true. I have met people who are content just doing whatever they are told and whatever other people want them to do. It's frigging disgusting, if you ask me. Why were you born as a human if you have less individual autonomy than a dog? I mean, you can be agreeable, but damn, have something that you love and pursue with a passion!

FamilyJules7x
Elder Scrolls (Morrowind/Oblivion/Skyrim) Guitar Medley

     I absolutely love the Elder Scrolls and while I didn't like Morrowind as much when I first started it, I began loving it too after adapting to the game style. It was refreshing to not have a fast travel system and having to know which Silt Strider, boat and teleporter brought you to which town. It was also cool that each faction had their own skill requirements, so that a Paladin decked out in full Heavy Armour won't be in the Thieves' Guild for no damn reason. It made me feel like Oblivion was easy and Skyrim was for babies. Increasing the difficulty by like 10 in Morrowind is much much harder than the laughable Master Difficulty on Skyrim. If you play anywhere below Adept on Skyrim, shame on you. That said, I cheat on every second playthrough of Morrowind with official bugs.

Ecruteak/Cianwood City Pokemon GSC Guitar Cover

     To be fair, I really hated both Ecruteak City and Cianwood City, because I used to do the segment from Goldenrod right up to Mahogany City and back to Goldenrod for Team Rocket at one go. And if you ever played the games, if you didn't shame on you, then you know that segment takes a frigging long time. It gets extremely frustrating, especially since I have the memory of playing with Typhlosion, I bloody hate the back sprite of Typhlosion for some reason.

Cool, Cool Mountain Super Mario 64 Guitar Cover

     Bloody baby penguin, go die. That's all.

Majora's Mask Medley

     Can someone say, favourite Zelda to watch someone play through? I love the dark atmosphere the game has that is rarely seen in E-rated games nowadays. And the music is phenomenal. Now, I don't really like playing it myself because it gets quite tedious after a while, but still, I love Majora's Mask. For playing...I still like my standard 2D Zelda.

GlitchxCity
Pokeball Factory XY

      I think Pokeball Factory has some of the best music I've heard in Pokemon games, and this is coming from an ardent fan of Generation III with RSE and the ORAS remakes. I do want to get XY, just for the Pokemon, but then I'll prefer a Japanese version, which is more expensive, so I can evolve both Pokemon via trade and do Masuda breeding method efficiently.

Primal Dialga Mystery Dungeons: Explorers of Darkness/Time/Sky

     I'm sorry, Rayquaza, but I prefer the second generation of Mystery Dungeon games to the first, even though you were the final boss of the first generation of games. You can't tell me that Primal Dialga is badass as hell, and while I am biased towards Dialga, vs Palkia, I think Dialga is just a cool Pokemon in general. I always play as the same Pokemon though. Not Riolu, I hate Riolu. Treecko and Mudkip all the way. Agility + Mud-slap + Violent Seed set-up is very broken indeed.

Eterna Forest DPPt

     Most people don't like Eterna Forest, or don't even remember it. Every single Pokemon generation has its own forest - Viridian in Gen I, Ilex in Gen II, Petalburg Woods in Gen III, etc etc. The reason I like Eterna Forest is very simple and quite a shallow reason. Murkrow. It's the first place in the game that you can catch Murkrow and I've already expressed my love for the extremely cool-looking Honchkrow.

Meteor Falls RSE/ORAS

     You can't tell me that Meteor Falls isn't just absolutely beautiful. Even in the old games, I was in awe of this place.

     Oh, why Salamence? If you didn't know (shame on you again), after you obtain the HM for Waterfall, after the defeating the final gym and just before the Victory Road, you can assess the back chamber of Meteor Falls. There, on the mere 20 patches of dry land, you can encounter the only Bagons you can find in the entire bloody game. It was a pain in my butt to train even with the new Exp Share system in Gen VI, so you can imagine how absolutely painful it was to train one in RSE. I would rather settle for a Flygon, even though it's much shittier, especially with Salamencite in ORAS. Speaking of Mega Salamence, frigging Zinnia, why do you have a Uber in your team. I call cheating.

Weekday Rants #17

     I'm actually making really good time on my revision, though my hand really hurts after practising Economics Essays all day. I've never done such hardcore mugging in my whole life, but since A levels is in 5 weeks or so, there hasn't been a better time than now. Still, I managed to sneak in a little bit of gaming time. Seriously, I don't even want to go back to school. I see no point in it, besides going through the papers, since I've always appreciated independent self-studying. It gives me an advantage, because I am more self-sufficient than most, while being less able to utilise school-given resources such as teachers. I've said it before. If exams were things you were only given 1 week to prepare for, with no assistance at all, then I have no doubt that I'll round up in the top percentage. It would be unfair though...and rather arrogant of me.

     Anyway, I made some progress on my backup file on Pokemon ORAS. Okay, it's Pokemon Omega Ruby. I don't have Alpha Sapphire. I'm not that rich...or that careless with money. Also, whoop-de-doo, I'm a girl and I know how to make backup save files for my games that are NOT on Steam, because Steam is nice and does the backup for you (although sometimes it doesn't frigging port properly). It's actually very simply and it would be really stupid if you can't figure out just by examining your 3DS. You must be like...super tech un-savvy to not be able to tell what you need and the different methods for backup.

     So on that particular save file, I started with Treecko...because I wanted a main team that I can easily breed for competitive use. I'm not a famous Streamer or Youtuber or anything, so it's difficult for me to gain excess to all the Pokemon listed in the Pokedex, or get perfect IV shiny Pokemon. It takes intensive breeding, hours of DexNav usage, etc etc and the least I can do for myself is to get a starter that actually can be used competitively.

      Blaziken is banned and since I don't want to soft reset for months on a Legendary to get perfect IVs, I am not playing Ubers. Swampert is popular, I know, but I've said before that I don't like running through the game with painfully slow Pokemon. Also, I like to have a useful ability when I Mega-evolve my starter. You can't expect me to bring Rain Dance everywhere, or detach the rain from Route 119 and Route 120 and place it around the whole of Hoenn. Also, I am playing Omega Ruby, meaning that the overriding weather effect during the Groudon event is Sun, not Rain. Furthermore, the best teammate for Swampert as a Rain Dance user is Ludicolo, but that is Alpha Sapphire exclusive. That said, I do have a Lotad I got recently in a Wonder Trade, but I am not going to sit at the beginning of the game for hours, catching Ralts and Wonder Trading, praying for good RNG.

     Right now, my team is mostly competitive in structure. I don't have the best movesets and if you have ever played an actual game without cheating, you know why. You can have a frigging Mega Sceptile whose best move is Leaf Blade because Leaf Storm is at Level 69. Also, I had people ask me why the hell I run certain moves on certain Pokemon in an actual run-through of a game, hack or no hack (Hint: I'm referring to an occurrence while talking about a hack). Don't be idiotic. I know Close Combat is flipping awesome, but it has base 5 PP. It is not going to last you a lug through a whole route! I know Flare Blitz is boss, but recoil is NOT appreciated when the main game prioritises stamina over power. So without further ranting, this is what my current team looks like at Level 50.

1. Sceptile/Mega Sceptile

Nature: Naughty

Ability: Overgrow/Lightning Rod

Moves: Leaf Blade, Dual Chop, Hidden Power Fire, X-Scissor

     I know, I know. I should be running Adamant or Jolly since it looks like a Physical Attacker, but like I said, this is NOT competitive. I mean, it doesn't even have perfect IVs and it will be used for breeding once I finish the game. I reset for a female Treecko with either +Attack or +Special Attack without reduction is either. In other words, I needed a female Treecko with Naughty, Lonely, Mild or Rash nature. 

     Why female? Because when breeding two Pokemon of different species, the child takes the species of the mother. Why different species? Well, you don't know much about breeding then, which is a very intricate process. Given that I obtain a lot of Pokemon through Wonder Trade, I'll probably get a Pokemon in the same Egg group as Treecko - Dragon or Monster 1 - from a different region. I'm using the Masuda Breeding Method, which you can research about yourself. Basically, the method dictates that if you breed two Pokemon of the same egg group from different regions (i.e. from the French version, German version, etc), the chances of obtaining a Shiny is higher.

     Why Sceptile? Well, it works brilliantly with my Manectric, which has Discharge. Why not Thunderbolt? Are you daft? I don't get to CHOOSE what my Pokemon learn levelling up. I've got to live with what I'm given. Since there are so many double battles, these two make a great pair. Discharge gets absorbed by Lightning Rod which boosts Special Attack, which will become very useful once I get Leaf Storm and breed for Dragon Pulse. 

2. Gardevoir

Nature: Mild

Ability: Synchronise

Moves: Psychic, Dazzling Gleam, Shadow Ball, Calm Mind

     Yes, after I got a whole box of Ralts just after starting the game, I finally settled for a Mild Ralts. I did get a Modest and a Timid one, but they didn't have 2 stars on the DexNav. For those who don't know, the DexNav will show a certain number of stars for a Pokemon you are searching for, from 0 to 3, indicating the number of perfect IVs the Pokemon has. I haven't checked what my Gardevoir has perfect IVs in, but it's better than nothing. Also, if you have ever played through ORAS, you know that Ralts and Kirlia are a pain in the ass to train. They have extremely low EXP gain rates and are very weak (attack and defence), until it evolves into Gardevoir at level 30 and get Psychic and start wrecking everyone.

      Don't you dare ask me why not Moonblast. If you would like to tell me how to get Moonblast on my Gardevoir, just after reaching Mossdeep City, please let me know. If not, shut up, and let me just be happy about having Dazzling Gleam over Draining Kiss (that base 50 power was giving me cancer). I will be getting the Gardevoirite from Wanda in Verdanturf Town, but that comes after the Groudon event, along with a lot of other Mega Stones.

3. Infernape (via Wonder Trade)

Nature: Jolly

Ability: Iron Fist

Moves: Thunder Punch, Fire Punch, Close Combat, Mach Punch

     So my lucky ass got an Iron Fist Chimchar from Wonder Trading a box full of Ralts. I feel pretty bad for the person who got that shitty Ralts while distributing his perfect IV hidden ability Chimchar. Hey, but I was all concerned about how the hell I was going to deal with getting a Fire type since I didn't want those slow Fire types that are available in the game (Torkoal, Camerupt, Marcargo). Also, this thing came with Thunder Punch and Fire Punch. Like holy RNG-sus, thank you! The only problem with this piece of shit is that it levels up way too fast, with Infernape's naturally moderate EXP gain rates and the boosted EXP from being a traded Pokemon.

4. Gyarados (Shiny!)

Nature: Hasty

Ablity: Intimidate

Moves: Aqua Tail, Ice Fang, Crunch, Dragon Dance

     Yes, Aqua Tail, because I still have a while to go until I get my HM for Waterfall. I'm not sure how to get Bounce on Gyarados either, probably an egg move or something, but for now this is nice. This is probably my go-to for the Delta Episode against Zinnia's full Dragon team. Anyway, this isn't luck from RNG-sus, if anyone knows anything about the Generation VI fishing mechanics. It's this thing called Chain Fishing.

      Chain Fishing happens when you stand still on one patch of water and keep successfully fishing. It's not as easy as it sounds. Firstly, there is a possibility of getting the message "nothing is biting" or something like that, which breaks your chain. That is super frustrating. Having a Pokemon with Sticky Hold can raise the chances of getting a bite, but even that isn't 100%. Another thing is that you cannot miss a catch, which is actually harder than it sounds. Then, you cannot move, at all. Chain Fishing is the phenomenon where when you do whatever I said above for 20-100 times, you start getting shinies. I got a Shiny on my 97th try, which is actually really bad RNG.

     I do have a Gyaradosite, but I actually prefer regular Gyarados. Mold Breaker isn't that useful in the main game.

5. Manectric/Mega Manectric

Nature: Mild

Ability: Lightning Rod/Intimidate

Moves: Discharge, Volt Switch, Overheat, Hidden Power Grass

     Yes, once again, RNG-sus is kind and I got a good Hidden Power. I always end up with Ice or Grass, which are the best ones for Manectric. This is my other commonly used Mega, my other Intimidate-user and other Lightning Rod. It's actually quite cool because if I have to switch into a powerful Electric move with Gyarados out on the field and my Sceptile is not Mega evolved, then I can just send Manectric in to get a Special Attack boost. If I need a second Intimidate on a powerful Physical attacker, I can just Mega evolve and Volt Switch out into Gardevoir or something. Volt Switch is the TM given by Wattson, by the way. I think I do get Thunderbolt from him later on, but not yet as of now.

     So yes, my team is actually pretty awesome. 2 Intimidate users and since Defiant and Competitive are rare in-game, it's a brilliant strategy. One of them is a Physical attacker in Gyarados, while the other is Special, in Manectric. I have 2 Special Attackers in Manectric and Gardevoir, 2 Physical in Infernape and Gyarados and one mixed, in Sceptile. Why is the 6th slot empty? Two reasons. 1. In anticipation for Bagon, once I get Waterfall and gain excess to the back chamber of Meteor Falls. 2. Because I refuse to let my main Pokemon learn useless HMs. I wouldn't even let Gyarados learn Surf. I have Surf, Cut, Rock Smash and Strength on Linoone (it's Pickup is great too). Fly and Surf is also on Pelipper for travelling around. After that, I'll probably get a Wailmer for Rock Smash, Surf, Dive and Strength for underwater segments. I usually plan my team very well, after all. I'm pretty damn proud of it.

Weekday Rants #16

     Did I not say that there will be Pure Math in Paper 2 and some bitch-asses told me that it's purely Statistics? No matter, the final paper for Prelims is over and it's the final lap, of exactly 5 weeks, towards A levels. I'll probably be revising the subjects in order of the A levels schedule, 1 week each. Of course, GP doesn't required more than 2 days and Literature, at most 4 days. History makes up for it though, for taking up 2 whole weeks because it's a subject that you can't combine Paper 1 and 2 together to revise. Both Papers are insanely content heavy too, I think even worse than Biology in some ways.

     But I'll be taking a break tonight, and starting revision again tomorrow. I know a lot of people are planning to take breaks after the Prelims, but really, we can all take a break after A levels. I'd rather not regret this since I don't have a "I'll study for the next one" excuse anymore. There is no "next" exam, at least for this period of my life. I can't wait though, to be done with formal school years, and actually explore the world with its hardships and challenges. I mean, even the most torturing moments will prove to be much more rewarding and impactful than the dullness and safety of school. I was never one to like fixed and rigid structures anyway.

      Anyway, I really fell in love with FamilyJules7X's music on Youtube. It's fantastic. Listen to this Golden Sun Isaac Battle Theme cover.

     Here's the original:


     And here's FamilyJules7X's cover:


      Today will be MBTI stuff since I really don't want to use my brain much today. I'm quite tired and I need to recharge for the 5-week marathon ahead. I'm so eager for the future to arrive and wash away the mistakes of the past, as well as the boredom of the present. "And today is a gift, that's why it's called the present"? Nah, Master Wu Gui, I think the future is the gift for mankind. After all, it is the knowledge that we can continue to progress and the desire to be better than we were before that propels humankind towards greater heights.

     I think I've said something along these lines before, but here are the exact quotes:

     And at this point, I'm very tempted to use a rival school's motto. I don't even know why the guys in my school are so childish when it comes to competition with that school...maybe because most girls in my school find the guys in that school to be more desirable. I mean, they may have lower grades, but they are more intelligent when it comes to things besides studying. They are also more like gentlemen and the guys in my school are all boys. I know it's mostly a pretence, but I think even if you made the guy in our school pretend to be mature, they can't do it. So, instead of ranting, let's just move on to MBTI stuff...I've missed some on Tumblr surprisingly.

1. MBTI Types as Oscar Wilde Quotes
ESTJ: "No man is rich enough to buy back his past."

ISTJ: "If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated."

ESFJ: "The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously-and have somebody find out."

ISFJ: "There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up."

ENTJ: "There is no sin except stupidity."

INTJ: "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."

ENFJ: "You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

INFJ: "Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic."

ESTP: "I can resist anything but temptation."

ISTP: "One should always be a little improbable."

ESFP: "Some things are more precious because they don't last long."

ISFP: "Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter."

ENTP: "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

INTP: "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

ENFP: "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

INFP: "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."

2. MBTI Liar Squads
White lies: ESFP, ESFJ, ISFJ, ENFJ
     How very dull. Most of the time, white lies are very easily seen through and just because I don't try to unravel it doesn't mean I'm not aware of it. The INFJ part of me feels bad for tearing apart a person's "kindness", but the more cynical part of me, resembling an INTJ, just wants to see how long the lie can last until it breaks and I get to laugh at it.

To get something: ESTJ, ISFP, ENFP, INTJ
     This is actually more interesting, because I can tell that these people are lying...but I don't know why they are doing so. So it's not so much that the lie itself is intriguing; it's that I want to find out what it is that they want and so I play along.

To hide what embarrasses them: ISTP, ISTJ, INFP, INFJ
     Hmmm...this is rather vague so I can't exactly vouch for it. If it's something about myself that I am willing to acknowledge and/or is extremely difficult to hide, then I won't even try. I don't "lie" to be exactly, I give "half-truths". I'll only give you half of the story, or half of the perspective. After all, there's no reason in giving information I don't think a person is worthy of knowing. 

To troll people: ENTP, ESTP, ENTJ, INTP
     Once again proving why I am so attracted to ENTPs. Trolling is an art. An art that requires wit, a sort of intellectual agility that a lot of people do not seem to possess. I like it when I can take a jab at a person and they can retaliate in a witty way. No, don't just take it on your chin - do you have no balls? Is your masculinity at 0? No, I don't want to hear you defend it, all flustered - that's just pathetic. Take a shot back, a difficult-to-dodge one and you will have my eternal respect.

3. MBTI as the Five Senses
Sight: ISFP, ESFP, ISTJ, INTJ
     I think this may be my weakest, since it is very much linked to Se, my inferior function. I tend not to notice things. You may raise an eyebrow at that, because I seem to be aware of little details. But that kind of knowledge doesn't come from sight. I seem like I'm watching people, but I'm just trying to sense things with intuition. For example, if I'm watching 2 people interact, it's because I sensed something from them first. That's also why I tend to trip over things easily.

Hearing: ENTP, INTP, INFP
     Totally not me. I can never seem to hear what people are saying to me, but when it comes to eavesdropping, I seem to develop oversensitive hearing - I hear what I don't even want to hear. But dear lord, you try to say something to me and more often than not, I will be like "What? Sorry, can you say that again?"

Taste: ISFJ, ENTJ, INFJ
     I do have talent in this area, but I'm not too sure. I am very sensitive towards things that taste "off" and I can tell exactly what is wrong about it. Also, from the moment I started consuming wine, I could differentiate its contents with taste, same for chocolates. It's quite impressive, actually.

Smell: ISTP, ESFJ, ESTJ
     I was expecting myself to be under this because my nose is really sensitive, despite where I've grown up. I cannot take smoke, it makes my stomach turn. I can smell and distinguish food from a mile away and I used to think that if reincarnation was really a thing, I may have been a bloodhound before - the best tracking dog breed.

Touch: ENFP, ENFJ, ESTP
      Like seriously bro, don't touch me. I'm that kind of person who, if you just touch me somewhere i find to be uncomfortable without me anticipating it, I'll flip my shit. I will retaliate by "touching" you too, i.e. beating the crap out of you before I even realise what is going on. My automatic response to people touching me without permission is to DEFEND through ATTACKING. I'm like a Rottweiler or something.

4. MBTI as Quotes from Real People of the Types
ESTP: "If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

ISTP: "No man is hurt but by himself." - Diogenes

ESFP: "People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream." - Paulo Coelho

ISFP: "Good is the enemy of the great." - Jonathon Ive

ESTJ: "Leadership is the capacity and will to rally men and women to a common purpose and the character which inspires confidence." - Bernard Montgomery

ISTJ: "It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one." - George Washington

ESFJ: "Do not give up your dreams of a more just world." - Pope Francis

ISFJ: "You must never be fearful of what you are doing when it is right." - Rosa Parks

ENFP: "Be yourself, everybody else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde

INFP: "Not all those who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

ENFJ: "Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." - Nelson Mandela

INFJ: "Be the change that you want to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandhi

ENTP: "True wisdom come to each of us when we realise how little we understand about life, ourselves and the world around us." - Socrates

INTP: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we had when we created them." - Albert Einstein

ENTJ: "Most people have achieved their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure." - Napoleon Bonaparte

INTJ: "And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Friedrich Nietzsche

5. MBTI Habits
xSTP: I can do this! Don't try me! No, I can! WATCH!
     My mom, every single time I tell her "don't do it" or "you can't do that". She immediately goes all childish and me and does EXACTLY what I told her she can't do.

xSTJ: I'm never wrong, I know when I'm wrong and it's never.
     OH. Do you want me to prove you wrong? I'm eager to do so.

xSFP: Okay, I know they SEEM mean but you don't really know!
     ...Yes, yes I do really know. It's pretty damn obvious you brick-head.

xSFJ: I promise you __ is bad, watch and see. I swear, why does NO ONE ever listen to me? I TOLD YOU SO.
     *Sheepish grin* Nothing to say for this one, because it's pretty much true. I can't hear the "Bitch, did I not warn you?" and "I told you so!" in my head right now.

xNFP: I'm so deep OMFG, you don't even know. Look at that hole. I'm deeper, no, not literally.
     Please, please be that deep literally. Oh, and also, don't come out of that hole.

xNFJ: Your sins are my sins. Your life is my life. Your face is my face. Your dog is my dog.
     What. That went weird real fast. I mean it's cool if your dog is my dog, that's totally awesome. I do not do things like that, probably because I'm an INFJ who has learnt her lesson about being too involved with people. This is pretty hilarious though.

xNTP: Of course i named all my technology, don't you? WTF, WHY NOT?
     I'm starting to think that this is more for INTPs because ENTPs aren't as obsessed over technology.

xNTJ: I DO NOT LIKE THAT. I'm not into that. I would never. Why do you think I'm into BDSM.
     Really? So why is it that ENTJs strike me as the most likely to be interested in BDSM, particular of the Sadist role?